“Are you okay?”
I don’t answer, but the tears come harder now and I feel all the breath I had left leave me as the weight of everything crashes in like the harsh waves of a hurricane.
It’s the definition of a bad beat. I had it, all the cards were in my hand, I had everything under control, and then WHAM! I lost it on the last card, the one I wasn’t expecting, the one that wasn’t supposed to happen, the one I could never prepare for.
Adam curses under his breath. “I know, stupid question. I’m here, Skyler. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
As much as I wish his words comforted me, they only make me ache more. Adam is my friend, but he’s not Kip. And Kip is the only person I want right now.
There’s a soft click of the room key sliding in and out of the door before it opens slowly. “What are you doing here?” I hear my Little’s voice ask.
Adam swallows. “I just came to check on her.”
“Of course you did,” Cassie murmurs and I roll over, leaning up on my elbow to face her. Her eyes are locked on Adam’s, her face just as furious as Kip’s was just moments ago. I eye her questioningly, but she doesn’t glance my way. “Can you leave us alone, please?”
For a moment, I think she might be talking to me, but Adam slowly moves from the bed toward the door. He looks back at me, offering a sad smile before Cassie rolls her eyes and pushes him the rest of the way out. She turns to me and I wait for her eyes to go soft, for her to pull me into a hug, but she doesn’t.
“What the hell are you doing, Skyler?”
My face drains. “Me?”
“Yes.” She huffs. “You. What the hell are you doing?”
“Um, I think you’re confused. Did you not just see what happened?” I feel myself growing defensive, unsure of where she’s coming from.
“Yeah, I did. Erin blew your secret. The one you should have revealed to Kip two months ago.” Her words hit me hard and I go to respond, but nothing leaves my lips. She’s right, but I don’t want her to be. She rolls her eyes, stomping over to the closet and kicking off her wedges. “And, of course, you let Adam follow you back here. You let him pick up the pieces and you messed with his head. Again.”
Whoa. Wait a second.
“Little, I’m not messing with Adam’s head,” I say, standing and wiping the tears from my face. The ache in my stomach is slowly turning to a nervous pit as I stand up to my Little. We’ve never fought before, and I have no idea what is going on right now.
“Are you serious? Are you really that blind?” She scoffs, shaking her head. “Of course you are. You’ve been so caught up in this stupid game that you haven’t even seen how you’re affecting the people around you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Adam!” She yells, her chest heaving. “Me! Erin! The girls! Kip!” Her eyes are wild, her breaths ragged. “You think this is all about you? I care about Adam, Big. I like him. And maybe he could let himself like me if you would stop toying him around!”
“I thought you liked Kade?” I ask, confused.
Cassie rolls her eyes again. “I used Kade as a code name for Adam. Everything I’ve said to you about Kade has been about Adam. I was waiting to tell you once you figured out all your shit with Kip. But then you dragged him back into your stupid game and we took ten steps backward. I’ve been trying to get us back on the right track and, until tonight, I thought I was close. But I’m sure now you’re going to use him to get back at Kip or something and, once again, I’ll be put on the backburner.”
I stare at my Little, disbelief laden on my face. Slowly, I sit on the edge of the bed, my hands finding my lips. “Little, I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry.” I glance up at her, trying to make her believe me. “I swear, I didn’t know. I know it’s no excuse, but I didn’t. I would never hurt you, Little.”
She looks like she’s going to yell again, but instead she sighs, running her hands through her hair before falling down to sit next to me. “I’m sorry, Big. I didn’t mean to come scream at you. I came to see if you were okay. But then I saw Adam and…” She shakes her head. “I don’t know, I just snapped.”
We both sit there for a moment, silent but for the soft buzz of the bathroom light. I think her words over, letting them sink in. Had I really been so selfish that I couldn’t see Cassie falling for Adam? What else have I missed?
Finally, Cassie turns to me, her eyes softer now. “Listen, I love you, I do. I’m not mad at you. I’m just… frustrated.” She smiles a small smile. “The you I’ve seen this semester? It isn’t my Big. My Big is fearless, hardcore, unbeatable. When Erin brought up this stupid plan of hers, I was so sure you’d turn it down. But then you didn’t, and then things just got crazier and crazier. It was all we ever talked about and I just watched as it slowly tore you apart. And you know what? I’m glad Erin told Kip tonight.”
My eyes jump to hers. “What? Why?”
“Because.” She stands, facing me. “Now it’s done and over with. He knows what happened, you’re no longer playing this stupid game, and you can finally move forward. And so can Erin.” She pauses. “And Adam, too. We all can.”
I chew my lip. “There’s one issue with that theory,” I point out. “Kip ran away from me tonight. He’s done, he knows everything now. He’s never going to talk to me again and I don’t blame him.”
My Little smiles, shaking her head and pulling me up to stand with her. “Damn, is the sad, deflated Skyler still hanging around? I thought my old Big was back. Because my old Big would know that she didn’t lose anyone, especially not Kip.” I eye her curiously as she continues. “So what if you played a stupid game? Like you told Erin, everything between you and Kip was real. Do you still believe that?”
I nod.
“Do you think he believes that?”
I start to shake my head but stop, moving from chewing my lip to the inside of my cheek, but then stop. I know Kip is hurt, I know he’s upset, but I know he feels what I feel. He has to know that every word, every touch between us was real. Is real.
“Yes.”
Little smiles, releasing my hands and gesturing toward the door. “Then go find him and talk to him. Stop running from this secret, from this stupid game. Explain what happened and then move on. If you do, everyone else can, too. Make him understand. Show him how you really feel.” She pauses, shrugging. “Something tells me you won’t have to try very hard. I see the way he looks at you. He isn’t done, Skyler. He’s not going anywhere. Don’t give up on him. Have faith.”
Her words weigh in on me, squeezing my chest as I fight against another wave of tears. I have no idea if he will believe me, if he’ll even listen to me, but I can’t walk away knowing I didn’t at least try.
Without another word, I fly out the door and down the hall, my feet carrying me fast as I weave in and out of the small groups of people gathered. I pass Clinton and he calls out for me but I keep running, my heart pounding in my ears. Each thump drills it into me more.
I can’t lose him.
I won’t lose him.
Before I can stop myself, I slam into Kade, knocking us both off balance. My eyes are wild, my breathing frantic. He doesn’t even ask, he just points.
“He went up to the top deck. He’s a mess, Skyler. He wouldn’t listen to anything I said.”
I swallow, nodding before taking off again. My legs are weak, the tears still drying on my face as I sprint through the ship and up the stairs four decks to the top. When I reach the top floor, I run even harder, my ribs aching, my chest moving rapidly as my legs pump faster and faster. The wind whips my hair around wildly, the moonlight casting an eerie glow on the water. I have no idea what I’m going to say when I reach him, words won’t form in my head. All I know is I have to find him, I have to explain.