Seeing him that frail, that broken, literally killed me. When he pulled me into his room alone with him and told me how proud he was of me, I broke down. I’ve never cried in front of my father before because it showed weakness. But this time, he cried, too. He’s proud of me, and he loves me. And I want to win this tournament to show him that I love him, too, and that his dreams are important to me. His life is important to me.
Which is why I couldn’t tell Skyler I would drop out.
Just thinking of her makes the hole in my chest ache as it splits me open even more. The look on her face when she found the file, the horror in her eyes when she realized who I am… what I am. A fucking monster. It was too much to bear then and it’s done nothing but double in size since she left.
I’ve seen her a few times at the casinos in town. We’re both practicing, getting ready for the tournament. But every time she sees me, she just leaves without saying a word. Even in class, she waits until at least five minutes past and slides in, taking a seat at the very front and then bolting out again as soon as class ends. She doesn’t even look my way. But I can’t blame her, not even a little bit. She has every right to hate me.
I wish I could make things better, but right now, I can’t. Maybe one day I’ll be able to talk to her about everything, to get her to understand. For now, my dad is what’s most important.
I just hope I can make him proud.
I sprint up the stairs to my apartment door and slam it behind me, falling face first onto my couch. When a soft knock raps on the door I just closed, I groan, my body still on fire from the run. Slowly, I drag myself up, trying not to flinch at the pain from the blisters on my heels. I’m still breathing hard and sweating like a whore in church when I open the door.
It’s Ashlei.
“You look like shit,” she says bluntly. She doesn’t smile or laugh, she just says the words and lets herself in my apartment. I shut the door and turn to follow her in. “So does your apartment,” she surveys, scanning the clutter and mess. I wish I was ashamed.
“What do you want, Ashlei? You already got all of Skyler’s things out of here.”
Her eyes soften a little and she sighs. “I came to check on you. I figured if you were half as bad as Skyler, you’d probably need me to force you into a shower. Which is kind of what it’s looking like right now.” She eyes me once more before shaking her head. “Kade said he never sees you anymore and you won’t talk to anyone. You can’t hole yourself up in here, Kip.”
It’s strange, but hearing that Skyler is upset makes a pain sear through me at the same time as it relieves me. I don’t want her to hurt, but I also can’t deny that I want her to miss me, too. “I can do whatever I need to do to get through this, Ashlei. And this is part of the process.”
She shakes her head again. “I don’t understand, what exactly happened between you two? Skyler won’t talk about it and you’re both acting like you still want to be together so why not just be together?”
I swallow hard. “It’s complicated.”
Ashlei rolls her eyes. “Sounds familiar. Listen, the KKB formal is on Saturday. Come with me.”
I cock a brow. “Are you serious?”
She sighs. “Not like that. I know Skyler wants you there but she’s not going to ask. Maybe if you come with me, you can talk to her and figure this shit out. You’re both making yourselves sick and it’s not healthy.”
I shift, crossing my arms across my chest. “Is she going with anyone?”
“Bear. As friends.”
I nod, chewing on the idea. I know she won’t forgive me for everything I’ve done, and I can’t take myself out of the tournament, but maybe if I could talk to her and explain everything, I could still have her in my life – even if it’s just as a friend, or hell, as someone who doesn’t hate me. I didn’t even try to explain when she was here two weeks ago, when everything blew up the way it did. I owe it to her to explain why I have to do the tournament. And even though I know she won’t completely forgive me and understand, maybe I can at least get her to see why I have to do this.
“It’s Saturday?”
Ashlei nods.
I sigh, running my fingers through my damp hair. This will either work and make everything easier to bear or it’ll blow up in my face and drag me down deeper into this shithole I’ve dug for myself. “Okay.”
Ashlei gives a small smile. “Okay. Wear something nice, it’s formal attire. And for Pete’s sake, take a shower. You smell like complete ass.” I chuckle a little, but she’s still dead serious. “We don’t need to ride together or anything, just meet me at the venue. I’ll text you the address.”
I nod and she moves toward the door, pausing once more when she has it open. “Skyler loves you, you know?” Her words hit me hard and I inhale a deep, harsh breath. “Whatever is happening between you two, I can see that hasn’t changed.” She stares at me for a few moments more, but when I don’t respond she closes the door behind her and I’m alone again.
Except I’m never alone, anymore. I live with the shadow of my father’s impending death constantly looming around me. I find the couch just in time for my knees to give way and I fall into it, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes. All I want is to run to Skyler, to hold her tight in my arms while I tell her everything and lean on her to support me through all this shit. But I hurt her, and I can’t even undo the pain I’ve caused. I’m her cancer. I’ve killed the light in her eyes and I hate myself for it.
But maybe it’s not too late to save her.
It’s hot again in South Florida. This bowtie and tux aren’t really helping, either. Plus the fact I’m fucking nervous. So what I’m trying to say is, I’m sweating.
The cab dropped me in front of the tall, flamingo pink hotel where Kappa Kappa Beta is hosting their formal about ten minutes ago but I’m still standing outside, trying to muster up some kind of courage to walk in. I kind of wish Ashlei would have let me ride with her now because I realize I have to walk into this place on my own. I know some of my brothers will be here, but it doesn’t bring me any comfort because the only thing that really matters is that she will be here.
And I don’t think she’ll be happy to see me.
Inhaling a deep, shaky breath, I make my way up the stairs and inside. When I round the corner and follow the signs to the ballroom, my nerves amplify. Music and laughter spills out into the hallway and I’m just about to bail and go home when Ashlei walks out of the double doors.
“There you are,” she says when she sees me. “I was just about to give up and think you flaked on me.”
“Two seconds later and that would have been the case,” I murmur, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my slacks. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
She rolls her eyes and leads me into the ballroom. I follow her to the table where they’re all sitting, cringing a little when I see not just Erin, but Adam, too. Skyler’s Little and Jess are both there, as well. But Skyler isn’t.
Jess’s eyes grow wide when I approach the table with Ashlei. “So, I see your date finally showed.” She gives me a once over before pursing her lips and focusing on Ashlei.
“Yep, have something to say about it?”
“No, but I bet I know someone who will.”
As if on cue, I feel eyes on my back and turn to find Skyler at the bar with Clinton, the one everyone calls Bear. I met him on Spring Break and he seemed cool, but my guess is he isn’t my biggest fan now.
Skyler’s blue eyes are shining even across the room and she’s dressed in a long, gold and glittery dress with a slit that shows off her killer legs. Her hair is curled and flowing down the front of her right shoulder and I can’t help but kick myself again for losing her. It’s painful to see her, more painful than I thought it would be.