And just like the first night I saw her play, it turns me on watching her slay these tools.
I watch her for a while, studying her, but not to prepare myself to play against her. Instead, I focus on the way she breathes, the way her chest and lips move together to get oxygen in and out of her body. She seems so calm, so steady, and I envy her that because my chest still hurts from the tightness I’ve put it through all day. This is her element, her home. She’s too fucking beautiful to fit in here, but she does – like a rose in a sea of dandelions.
I’m just about to turn to head up to my room when she folds a hand and takes off her sunglasses to rub her eyes. When she finishes, she glances up and pins me with her gaze. For a moment she just stares at me, and I just stare at her. We don’t wave or nod or even really acknowledge that we’re both looking. We just look. Finally when I can’t take it anymore, I swallow and the corner of my mouth pulls into a soft, non-committing smile. She shifts in her chair, grabs her sunglasses, and pulls them back on just before the next hand is dealt, peeling her eyes from my own.
Skyler is just like this tournament. She’s a freezeout. There are no re-buys, no second chances – and I rode the blinds and played it safe before betting it all on a hand that couldn’t win. With her, I know it’s over. I know she’s done. We’re done. But something inside me refuses to let her go.
I’m still holding on to one, lone white chip. She doesn’t know I’m holding it, but I saved it – just in case. And maybe she is a freezeout, maybe there is no hope for me.
But then again, she could have worn any sunglasses she wanted to today, but she’s wearing mine. Maybe because they’re better than the ones she brought, maybe because she broke or lost the pair she had – or maybe, just maybe, because she’s not finished with me yet, either.
“Not to sound like your mother, but you look too thin. Are you eating out there in Vegas?” Little asks, her brow arching slightly.
I laugh a little. “Trust me, it’s just the camera. I’ve eaten at like five buffets already.”
“Sounds like heaven to me,” Jess pipes in. All the girls are squeezed together on my Big’s bed, fighting for room in the camera of our video chat and passing around a bottle of wine while I sip on the one I had brought up to my room.
“I just wish we could be there,” Ashlei says, her face falling. “You should have someone there to cheer you on.”
“I know you girls will cheer me on at the watch party tomorrow, and honestly that will probably be more fun than the viewing section here. Send me pictures! I want to see everyone.”
“You know we will. Bear has been planning this thing for months. I’m pretty sure he bought enough kegs for the entire city instead of just the school. Which, by the way, literally the entire school will be there.” Ashlei smiles, shaking her head. “We are all so fucking proud of you.”
“Thanks.” I smile, but it falls a bit when I see Erin in the corner of the screen. “What are you thinking so hard about, Big?” Things are far from fixed between us, but ever since we had our blow out and confronted all the shit we’ve been through, we’ve started to try to get back to normal. Try being the keyword there. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from everything she did, not enough to be as close as we were before. But, she’s my Big, and I do love her. I’m not ready to write her off from my life.
She sighs. “I just can’t get over what you told us about Kip’s dad.”
I swallow. “What do you mean?”
Erin shakes her head. “They were just so close when I knew him back in high school. His dad was everything to him. He was so afraid to be who he was because he wanted to be everything his dad wanted him to be. I was in the process of finding myself that summer, but Kip couldn’t join me in that because he was trying to find how he fit in his father’s picture. I know he’s come a long way from that, but I also know this can’t be easy for him. I just can’t believe he’s even there.”
“Well isn’t that precisely why he’s there?” Little points out. “I don’t think he would be if this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Can we not talk about this?” I pinch the bridge of my nose and force my eyes shut, still trying to clear the smoke from the casino. Today was long, and tomorrow is going to be even longer. The last thing I need to do is have another sleepless night with my mind consumed by a blonde-haired boy with blue eyes and a kiss too devastating for words, and hearing Erin talk about him like she knows him better than I do really gets under my skin for some reason.
“Whatever.” Jess jumps up, pulling the wine bottle with her. “Forget all that. To you, Skyler Fucking Thorne.” She lifts the bottle to the screen. “Kick ass tomorrow and then get back here so we can throw a huge rager with all that money.”
We all laugh and Jess takes a pull of her bottle as I lift mine to my lips, too. “I love you girls. Thank you.”
Ashlei shrugs. “That’s what we’re here for.”
“Do you guys mind if I talk to Little alone?”
They all blow me kisses and offer various forms of advice before leaving, letting me sit with just Cassie. I inhale a shaky breath and she shakes her head fiercely.
“Do not cry on me, Big.”
I exhale. “I’m trying not to. Little, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. This tournament means everything to me, or it did, anyway. But now, I’m not sure what matters most to me anymore.” I bury my face in my hands. Saying the words out loud scares me more than I thought.
“I think you do know.” She offers a soft smile. “Skyler, you were going to pretty much be done with tournaments after this, right?” I nod, blinking quickly to keep the water from pooling in my eyes. “You want this more than anything not for the title, but for your family. You want to pay off school at Palm South and help your parents out. I get that, I totally do. But Sky, it’s not up to you to set your parents up for life. And you and I both know that it wouldn’t take first place for you to be able to pay off your tuition. Don’t let the pressure of winning get to you. Just play like I know you know how to and let the cards fall where they’re meant to fall.”
I bite my lower lip, chewing on her words. She’s right, it wouldn’t take first place to pay off my tuition, and she’s also right that I’ve thought about that. It was almost all I could think about last night. But the fact that I’m even thinking of the possibility of losing makes me hate myself because poker is my thing, it’s everything I know, everything I am. I don’t want to give that up.
But then again, I don’t know if I want it to be everything I am anymore.
“What are you going to do about Kip?”
I shrug. “What is there to do? It’s over.”
“I call bullshit.”
Huffing, I take a long drink from the bottle of wine. “It is! How could I ever forgive him for what he did? How do I know what’s been real and what was just a game?”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, please. Every single moment between the two of you has been one-hundred percent real and you know it.” She leans forward a little. “Look at me, Big. I have known you for two years now and I’ve never seen you like this with a guy. Ever. You may not be sure about what’s happening between you and Kip, but I am. When he says he loves you, he means it – and I think you know that, too.”
“I don’t though, that’s what’s so hard!” I say a little louder than I intended, slamming the wine bottle down on the bedside table in frustration. “I would never have guessed he was playing this game, Little. Never. Everything with him felt so real, so genuine, so unlike anything I’ve ever had before. If it was so easy for him to pull off this whole scheme without me knowing the difference, wouldn’t it be just as easy for him to make me believe he loved me when he didn’t?”