Some of the side effects of phenobarbital — all of which I suffered to some degree or another as a child — include sleepwalking, agitation, confusion, depression, nightmares, hallucinations, insomnia, apnea, vomiting, constipation, dermatitis, fever, liver and bladder dysfunction, and psychiatric disturbance.
How do you like them cockroaches?
And now, as an adult, thirty-three years removed from phenobarbital, I still suffer — to one degree or another — from sleepwalking, agitation, confusion, depression, nightmares, hallucinations, insomnia, bladder dysfunction, apnea, and dermatitis.
Is there such a disease as post-phenobarbital traumatic stress syndrome?
Most hydrocephalics are shunted. A shunt is essentially brain plumbing that drains away excess cerebrospinal fluid. Those shunts often fuck up and stop working. I know hydrocephalics who’ve had a hundred or more shunt revisions and repairs. That’s over a hundred brain surgeries. There are ten fingers on any surgeon’s hand. There are two or three surgeons working on any particular brain. That means certain hydrocephalics have had their brains fondled by three thousand fingers.
I’m lucky. I was only temporarily shunted. And I hadn’t suffered any hydrocephalic symptoms since I was seven years old.
And then, in July 2008, at the age of forty-one, I went deaf in my right ear.
7. Conversation
Sitting in my car in the hospital parking garage, I called my brother-in-law, who was babysitting my sons.
“Hey, it’s me. I just got done with the MRI on my head.”
My brother-in-law said something unintelligible. I realized I was holding my cell to my bad ear. And switched it to the good ear.
“The MRI dude didn’t look happy,” I said.
“That’s not good,” my brother-in-law said.
“No, it’s not. But he’s just a tech guy, right? He’s not an expert on brains or anything. He’s just the photographer, really. And he doesn’t know anything about ears or deafness or anything, I don’t think. Ah, hell, I don’t know what he knows. I just didn’t like the look on his face when I was done.”
“Maybe he just didn’t like you.”
“Well, I got worried when I told him I had hydrocephalus when I was a baby and he didn’t seem to know what that was.”
“Nobody knows what that is.”
“That’s the truth. Have you fed the boys dinner?”
“Yeah, but I was scrounging. There’s not much here.”
“I better go shopping.”
“Are you sure? I can do it if you need me to. I can shop the shit out of Trader Joe’s.”
“No, it’ll be good for me. I feel good. I fell asleep during the MRI. And I kept twitching. So we had to do it twice. Otherwise, I would’ve been done earlier.”
“That’s okay; I’m okay; the boys are okay.”
“You know, before you go in that MRI tube, they ask you what kind of music you want to listen to — jazz, classical, rock, or country — and I remembered how my dad spent a lot of time in MRI tubes near the end of his life. So I was wondering what kind of music he always chose. I mean, he couldn’t hear shit anyway by that time, but he still must have chosen something. And I wanted to choose the same thing he chose. So I picked country.”
“Was it good country?”
“It was fucking Shania Twain and Faith Hill shit. I was hoping for George Jones or Loretta Lynn, or even some George Strait. Hell, I would’ve cried if they’d played Charley Pride or Freddy Fender.”
“You wanted to hear the alcoholic Indian father jukebox.”
“Hey, that’s my line. You can’t quote me to me.”
“Why not? You’re always quoting you to you.”
“Kiss my ass. So, hey, I’m okay, I think. And I’m going to the store. But I think I already said that. Anyway, I’ll see you in a bit. You want anything?”
“Ah, man, I love Trader Joe’s. But you know what’s bad about them? You fall in love with something they have — they stock it for a year — and then it just disappears. They had those wontons I loved and now they don’t. I was willing to shop for you and the boys, but I don’t want anything for me. I’m on a one-man hunger strike against them.”
8. World Phone Conversation, 3
A.M
.
After I got home with yogurt and turkey dogs and Cinnamon Toast Crunch and my brother-in-law had left, I watched George Romero’s Diary of the Dead, and laughed at myself for choosing a movie that featured dozens of zombies getting shot in the head.
When the movie was over, I called my wife, nine hours ahead in Italy.
“I should come home,” she said.
“No, I’m okay,” I said. “Come on, you’re in Rome. What are you seeing today?”
“The Vatican.”
“You can’t leave now. You have to go and steal something. It will be revenge for every Indian. Or maybe you can plant an eagle feather and claim that you just discovered Catholicism.”
“I’m worried.”
“Yeah, Catholicism has always worried me.”
“Stop being funny. I should see if I can get Mom and me on a flight tonight.”
“No, no, listen, your mom is old. This might be her last adventure. It might be your last adventure with her. Stay there. Say Hi to the Pope for me. Tell him I like his shoes.”
That night, my sons climbed into bed with me. We all slept curled around one another like sled dogs in a snowstorm. I woke, hour by hour, and touched my head and neck to check if they had changed shape — to feel if antennae were growing. Some insects “hear” with their antennae. Maybe that’s what was happening to me.
9. Valediction
My father, a part-time blue collar construction worker, died in March 2003, from full-time alcoholism. On his deathbed, he asked me to “Turn down that light, please.”
“Which light?” I asked.
“The light on the ceiling.”
“Dad, there’s no light.”
“It burns my skin, son. It’s too bright. It hurts my eyes.”
“Dad, I promise you there’s no light.”
“Don’t lie to me, son, it’s God passing judgment on Earth.”
“Dad, you’ve been an atheist since ‘79. Come on, you’re just remembering your birth. On your last day, you’re going back to your first.”
“No, son, it’s God telling me I’m doomed. He’s using the brightest lights in the universe to show me the way to my flame-filled tomb.”
“No, Dad, those lights were in your delivery room.”
“If that’s true, son, then turn down my mother’s womb.”
We buried my father in the tiny Catholic cemetery on our reservation. Since I am named after him, I had to stare at a tombstone with my name on it.
10. Battle Fatigue
Two months after my father’s death, I began research on a book about our family’s history with war. I had a cousin who had served as a cook in the first Iraq war in 1991; I had another cousin who served in the Vietnam War in 1964–65, also as a cook; and my father’s father, Adolph, served in WWII and was killed in action on Okinawa Island, on April 5, 1946.
During my research, I interviewed thirteen men who’d served with my cousin in Vietnam but could find only one surviving man who’d served with my grandfather. This is a partial transcript of that taped interview, recorded with a microphone and an iPod on January 14, 2008:
Me: Ah, yes, hello, I’m here in Livonia, Michigan, to interview — well, perhaps you should introduce yourself, please?
Leonard Elmore: What?
Me: Um, oh, I’m sorry, I was asking if you could perhaps introduce yourself.
LE: You’re going to have to speak up. I think my hearing aid is going low on power or something.
Me: That is a fancy thing in your ear.
LE: Yeah, let me mess with it a bit. I got a remote control for it. I can listen to the TV, the stereo, and the telephone with this thing. It’s fancy. It’s one of them Bluetooth hearing aids. My grandson bought it for me. Wait, okay, there we go. I can hear now. So what were you asking?