In the car, Mary Lynn could not see either Jeremiah or the jumper, but she could see dozens of drivers leaving their cars and running ahead.
She was suddenly and impossibly sure that her husband was the reason for this commotion, this emergency. He’s dying, thought Mary Lynn, he’s dead. This is not what I wanted, she thought, this is not why I cheated on him, this is not what was supposed to happen.
As more drivers left their cars and ran ahead, Mary Lynn dialed 911 on the cell phone and received only a busy signal.
She opened her door and stepped out, placed one foot on the pavement, and stopped.
The jumper did not stop. She turned to look at the crowd watching her. She looked into the anonymous faces, into the maw, and then looked back down at the black water.
Then she jumped.
Jeremiah rushed forward, along with a few others, and peered over the edge of the bridge. One brave man leapt off the bridge in a vain rescue attempt. Jeremiah stopped a redheaded young man from jumping.
“No,” said Jeremiah. “It’s too cold. You’ll die too.”
Jeremiah stared down into the black water, looking for the woman who’d jumped and the man who’d jumped after her.
In the car, or rather with one foot still in the car and one foot placed on the pavement outside of the car, Mary Lynn wept. Oh, God, she loved him, sometimes because he was white and often despite his whiteness. In her fear, she found the one truth Sitting Bull never knew: there was at least one white man who could be trusted.
The black water was silent.
Jeremiah stared down into that silence.
“Jesus, Jesus,” said a lovely woman next to him. “Who was she? Who was she?”
“I’m never leaving,” Jeremiah said.
“What?” asked the lovely woman, quite confused.
“My wife,” said Jeremiah, strangely joyous. “I’m never leaving her.” Ever the scientist and mathematician, Jeremiah knew that his wife was a constant. In his relief, he found the one truth Shakespeare never knew: gravity is overrated.
Jeremiah looked up through the crossbeams above him, as he stared at the black sky, at the clouds that he could not see but knew were there, the invisible clouds that covered the stars. He shouted out his wife’s name, shouted it so loud that he could not speak in the morning.
In the car, Mary Lynn pounded the steering wheel. With one foot in the car and one foot out, she honked and honked the horn. She wondered if this was how the world was supposed to end, with everybody trapped on a bridge, with the black water pushing against their foundations.
Out on the bridge, four paramedics arrived far too late. Out of breath, exhausted from running across the bridge with medical gear and stretchers, the paramedics could only join the onlookers at the railing.
A boat, a small boat, a miracle, floated through the black water. They found the man, the would-be rescuer, who had jumped into the water after the young woman, but they could not find her.
Jeremiah turned from the water and walked away from the crowd. He knew that people could want death as much as they wanted anything else. What did Jeremiah want? Did he want his wife? Did she want him? After all these years how much could they still want each other? Mary Lynn waited for him. She could see him walking toward her. She could hear the waves riddling the bridge. She felt the spray of the water. She felt a chill. When Jeremiah returned to her, she was going to hold his face in her hands and ask him, “Who do you think you are?” And she hoped that the answer would surprise her.
OLD GROWTH
In 1989, while hunting on the Spokane Indian Reservation, I saw a quick flash of movement on the ridge above me, spun, aimed high, and fired my rifle. I’d been hunting deer since childhood and had shot and missed twenty-seven times over the years. I was widely recognized as the worst hunter in reservation history. But, on that day, I didn’t miss. At the advanced age of twenty-six, I thought I’d killed my first deer and was extremely excited as I climbed that ridge to claim my kill. But I hadn’t shot a deer. I’d shot and killed a white guy who’d been tending to the field of marijuana he’d planted deep in the reservation woods. White guys did that because the reservation cops never ventured off the paved roads and federal agents didn’t want to deal with the complicated laws surrounding tribal sovereignty and police jurisdiction.
I kneeled beside the man’s body. I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I’d killed a man — by accident, yes, but it was still murder. I’d shot him in the back of the head. The bullet had torn through his brain and exited out his face, exploding it into a bloody maw. He was unrecognizable.
I’d never been a cruel man but I’d often been drunk and stupid. I’d spent two years in jail for robbing a bowling alley with a water pistol that looked like a gun and six months for stealing a go-cart from an amusement park and crashing it into a police car in the parking lot. I wasn’t exactly a criminal mastermind and nobody, not even the cop in the police cruiser that I’d slightly dented, would have ever considered me dangerous.
But now, I had killed a man and I knew I would spend real time in a real prison for it. Probably not for murder but certainly for manslaughter. So I did what I thought I should do to save myself. I dragged that man’s body back to his pot field and buried him in the middle of it. If he was ever discovered, I figured the police would think that he was killed by his partners or by a rival pot-growing operation.
After I buried him, I walked the two miles back to my truck and drove the twelve miles back to the house that I shared with my brother.
“How’d it go?” he asked.
“One shot,” I said. “And one miss.”
For the next year, I was terrified that the body would be discovered. I scanned the newspapers for news of missing men. Missing criminals. Missing drug dealers. And, sure, a few bad guys disappeared, as they always do, but they also disappeared from the news pretty quickly.
After a few more years, it began to feel like the event had never happened. It felt like a movie that I must have watched at three in the morning in a motel next to a freeway.
Then, twenty-one years after I’d killed the man, I went to the tribal clinic with a bad cough and discovered that I had terminal cancer. My body was a museum of cancer; there was a tumor exhibition in every nook and cranny.
“Three months if you’re unlucky,” the doctor said. “Six months if you bump into a miracle.”
So what does a dying man do about the worst sin of his life? I didn’t confess. I was still too cowardly to do that. And I didn’t want to spend my last days in court or jail.
But I felt the need to atone.
So, in my weakened state, I drove along that familiar logging road, and slowly climbed back to that ridge where I’d shot and killed a man. The pot field had grown wild and huge. How had it survived winter and freezing temperatures? And how fast does pot grow? How many generations of the plants can live and die in a two-decade span? I didn’t know, but I had to crawl through a pot jungle to the spot where I’d buried that white guy.
And, bit by bit, handful by handful, I dug up his body.
His tattered clothes were draped over brown bones. His skull was a collapsed sinkhole. I was surprised that animals hadn’t dug him up and spread the remains far and wide. I stared at him for a long time.
Then I sang a death song for him. And an honor song for the family and friends who never knew what had happened to him.
Then I took his skull, carefully wrapped it in newspaper, slid it into my backpack, crawled out of the pot garden, and walked back to my truck.
It was late when I returned to my house. My brother had long ago married a Lakota woman and moved to South Dakota. I was alone in the world. And I would soon be dead. I stripped naked and carried the dead man’s skull into the shower with me. I cleaned my body and the dead man’s skull.