Isadora came down the stairs, not looking at Ash or me as she stepped around us. As she wrapped her arms around Colton, I waited. My insides felt strangely hollow, like everything had been scooped out of me.
“You’re right,” Ash said finally. “You’re all right.”
He might've said more, but the doorbell rang and we all stiffened. A moment later, Doug came to tell us that Agent Marcum was waiting for us in the main sitting room.
Ash helped me to my feet and put his hand on the small of my back as we walked down the stairs. I didn't pull away, but I didn't encourage him either. My head was still spinning from everything he'd said. I needed time to process, but I knew I didn't have it. The FBI was waiting and I needed to focus on that. Once Agent Marcum was done, I could worry about everything else.
It was a long and frustrating two hours before she finally left.
After Agent Marcum departed, Isadora and Colton quickly made themselves scarce. As they walked out, Doug came in.
He glanced at Ash, but directed his question to me. “Should I call another cab, Miss Gallagher? I sent the other away because you were busy with Agent Marcum.”
Woodenly, I stared at the floor. It was the smart thing to do, and I was supposed to be smart. Walk away. Don't look back.
“No, thank you,” I said without looking at Ash. I needed to see this through, to see if he meant anything he said.
Once the two of us were alone, however, I had to fight the urge not to change my mind. The tension between us was thick, uncomfortable, but I didn't want to be the one to break it. I wanted to know if he was willing to step forward, to take responsibility, without me feeling like I was talking him into it.
I shifted my gaze from the floor to my hands, studying my fingernails without really seeing them.
“Are you going to look at me?” he asked finally.
“I know what you look like.” Despite my words, I turned my head. I knew it'd be childish of me not to, and what I said had been juvenile enough. I needed to be a grown up about this. I wasn’t five and I wasn’t being scolded by my mother for putting itching powder in Vic’s shoes or tying all of Franky’s socks into knots.
Not that I’d done any of that.
Ash looked awful. It was as though he’d aged decades in the past couple hours. His face was hollow, eyes dull. Somehow, in the hours that had passed between his declaration on the steps and now, the light that had been inside him seemed to have died out.
I felt the same way myself. Empty. “What do you want, Ash? Why are we still doing this?” I asked. The sound of my own voice made me flinch, but I kept going, saying all of the things I'd reminded myself of over the last couple hours. All the reasons why this wouldn't work. “Nothing's going to change. You want to control, to dominate, and not just in the bedroom. You told me that in a Dominant / Submissive relationship, there has to be trust, and that's the problem. You expect trust when it comes to sex, but you won't give it anywhere else. And that's fine if all you want is sex, but I'm not wired that way. Part of it's my fault for thinking we could have that in the bedroom, and at least be friends outside of it. But even that doesn't work with you. You don't respect me.”
His jaw tightened and I knew I was hurting him. I could see it, and I hated myself for it, but I wasn’t going to lose myself to him.
My voice hitched as I continued, “You don't love me, Ash. You want to possess me. And, sooner or later, it will break me. And I'll hate myself. I'll hate you.”
“I don’t want to...” He looked down, rubbing at the back of his neck. Shoulders slumped and head bowed, he looked defeated. “You're right. I'm a control freak. And I don't trust anyone. You know about Lily...”
“No,” I snapped, irritated. Shaking my head, I got to my feet and started to pace. “I don't want to hear about how your ex vanished and that's why you can't–”
“She sent me a letter,” he interrupted. “I never told Isadora because I wanted her to remember Lily as a good person, someone who loved us both.” He turned slightly so he wasn't facing me. “But she hadn't loved both of us. She'd never loved me. It'd all been a lie.”
My heart broke, but not only for the man standing in front of me. It broke for the young man who'd given up everything for his sister, who'd thought he'd found a ray of happiness in all of the grief. And then found out that it'd been a lie.
“I never wanted to be hurt like that again, so I closed down,” he said quietly. “I threw myself into my work, into raising Isadora. I told myself that she was the only person I could love because I knew she'd never betray me. She was the only person I could trust. And for years, she's been the only person I've ever wanted to let close.” He turned back towards me, eyes intent. “Until I met you.”
I swallowed hard. I wanted to believe him. I was tired of fighting with him, of being hurt by him.
“I tried so hard to not...I thought if I reduced what I felt for you to just sex, it'd go away. But it didn't. I couldn't stop thinking about you, wanting you. Yes, I want to control, to dominate you. I want to possess you because it's the only way I know how...” He swallowed hard. “I'm desperately in love with you, Toni.”
The baldly stated words made my heart clutch and I wrapped my arms around my middle. He came towards me and I wanted to run. I wanted to run as fast and far as I could and never look back. What I felt for him was too big, too scary, and I'd meant what I said. He had the power to break me, and if he did, I'd hate myself. And him.
When he reached me, he went to his knees in front of me and I stared down at him. He put his hands on my hips and gently coaxed me down to sit on the chair. We were the same height now and it took all my self-control not to look away. He slid his fingers into my hair, cupping my head in his hands. “You're the only woman I'll go to my knees for. I'll beg, if that's what it takes. Just tell me. Please, Toni. Just tell me what to do.”
Fuck.
I was still a novice to all this Dominant / Submissive thing, but I knew Ash, and I knew what it cost him to say those words, to ask me to tell him what to do. His fingers moved to cradle the back of my head and I fought a groan when he began to massage my scalp. Reflexively, I let my head slump forward, resting high on his chest.
“If you don't love me, if you don't want me, just tell me, please,” he said into my ear. “And I'll get up right now, and leave you alone. Doug can arrange for your safety, and I won't bother you again. But you have to tell me that you don't care about me.”
Damn him.
“I can't,” I whispered.
He tilted my head back until I met his searching gaze.
“You can't?” The vulnerable hope in his voice was my undoing.
I shook my head. “No. Because it wouldn't be true.”
The feel of his mouth on mine sent a shock through me and I shivered. His hands slid down my back and my arms moved to circle his neck. When he tugged me down onto his lap, I went slowly, although I couldn't say reluctantly.
He paused as he slid his lips down the line of my neck. “Do you want me to stop?” His breath was hot against my already over-heated skin.
My body definitely didn't want him to stop. Ever. But my brain was still looking out for my heart.
I pushed myself away from him and stood. It was easier to do this if he wasn’t touching me. “You need to understand something,” I said. “I'm done with the back and forth shit. I'm not expecting an overnight change, but if I don't see you trying to do better, if you aren't respecting me and my opinions, I’m gone, Ash. I'm not going to give you a warning, and I'm not going to let you in the next time you come around. It'll be over. For good.”