If I was being honest though, I actually wanted her upstairs in my bedroom, but she was taking one of the many guest bedrooms. Not even a minute after she’d declined dessert, she'd asked Isadora where Doug had put her things. She hadn't even looked at me when she'd asked it. And my traitor of a sister had said that Doug had put Toni's things in the biggest guest room...which hadn't been where I'd told him to put them.
She didn’t want to share my bed. Right now, she didn’t want to even be near me. And I couldn't say that I blamed her.
Isadora stepped out into the hallway and slid me a look before heading off. Unfortunately, whatever she was trying to tell me, I couldn’t figure it out. I wasn't going to ask her to explain though. Colton had arrived earlier and was down in the kitchen at the moment, eating a late meal. No doubt the two of them were going to spend a nice, cozy evening together.
Envy was a bitch.
How did this come so easy to Isadora?
Shoving off the wall, I ducked into the bedroom without knocking. The pale ivory walls, the vivid green accents and furniture made Toni's hair look brighter than usual as she stood by the bed, taking clothes out of the hastily packed suitcase. She glanced up and paused expectantly.
When I didn’t say anything right away, she sighed. “I’m tired, you know. I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m planning on soaking in that huge tub and then collapsing on these very expensive sheets.”
“Are we going to finish the conversation we were having in your apartment?” I asked bluntly.
“No.” She met my gaze levelly. There was no pretense in her eyes, no attempt to hide what she was feeling. She looked battered, bruised and, like she’d said, tired. “I get that you want to talk, Ash, but I don’t want to. Maybe you've decided you want to try something new, but it's not about what you want.”
The truth of her words hit me hard. “Toni, I...”
“Please.” She shook her head, turning back to the task of unpacking her clothes. Doug told her the staff would handle it, but she’d refused, saying she’d rather do it. “Don’t. I can't think about this right now.”
A strange hollow ache took up residence in my chest, and I heard Isadora’s voice all over again. What’s the point? Good question. Had there been a point to any of this? I'd tried and I lost her anyway.
I heard her move and looked up.
She’d moved away from the suitcase and, as our gazes connected, she pushed a heavy lock of hair behind her ear. The dense, dark red drew my eye, but I wasn’t remembering how it felt to fist it around my hands as I drove into her. Instead, I found myself thinking about how alone she’d looked that morning, how much I’d wanted to hold her.
Then I remember how Isadora had leaned against Colton, how I'd seen her relax against him, knowing he'd take care of her. As her older brother, I had to hate him on principle, but I couldn't deny that he loved my sister. I'd seen it so clearly as he wrapped his arms around her, giving her his strength.
I wanted it with Toni, wanted it more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted her to trust me, and not only with her body. I wanted her to trust me with her heart.
And I'd probably fucked up any chance I ever had of that.
My voice was quiet. “I get it. I've fucked up over and over with you. I'm an ass, and I have been for a long time. You're the first person who's ever...” The sentence trailed off and I took two steps towards the door, then paused without looking back at her. “I want to try to be...better.”
She didn't say a word as I left.
***
Two hours in the gym didn’t help burn off the tension, and a half hour in the hot tub didn’t help. Ten minutes under an icy cold shower did nothing except make me curse and shiver.
In the end, I went with an old-fashioned remedy and turned the water up to hot before turning my back to the spray and sliding my hand down my chest, my belly, and lower. Toni had been haunting me worse than usual. I’d pounded out more than five miles on the treadmill, but instead of running away from her memory, it had felt like chasing. Every pound I’d lifted, it had been like I was pulling her to me.
Now, instead of fighting, I let them come, all the thoughts and memories of the one person I wanted…and couldn't…have.
Her smoky blue eyes. The silk of her hair wrapped around my hands. Her lips gliding down my chest. Her mouth closing around me. That impossibly hot, wet suction. Except I knew it wasn't her mouth on me. My fist tightened and I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the fantasy.
It didn't take long. Several strokes later, my breathing shuddered and I groaned as my dick jerked in my hand. The climax was empty, but it eased the dull ache in my balls.
Nothing helped much later, though, as I lay in my bed.
My empty bed.
What’s the point...?
Hell if I knew.
***
The sound of the bright, happy voices coming from the breakfast room was enough to make me want to back up to my bedroom and shove my head under a pillow. Either that or find a bottle and hide in a corner somewhere. If I got good and drunk, maybe the weekend would pass in a blur, and I’d have a reason to go back to work Monday morning.
I’d told Toni I realized that my life was empty. I'd told her that I wanted to be better. But I didn't know how. How to be better. How to give my life meaning.
I felt like I was nineteen again, suddenly thrust into a role I didn't know how to play. Because I loved Isadora, I'd learned how to be what she needed, who she needed, but I knew I'd been a poor substitute for what she'd lost. For what we'd both lost. I'd grown poorer still through the years and now I wanted to change all of that. For my sister, for myself. For Toni.
I just didn't know how the hell to do it, and I hated not knowing.
All I knew how to do was make things worse.
Like yesterday.
When we’d finally gotten back to the house, it had been later than I'd planned because Toni had insisted we go by her place so she could get some clothes. We’d argued for nearly ten minutes while still at the FBI office, and we'd kept arguing the entire ride to her apartment. I told her I could buy her whatever she needed and she’d sneered for a minute before laughing a bitter, pitying laugh.
Money isn’t the answer to everything, you know.
She was right. I knew she was. And I supposed that was one of the reasons I didn't get it. She was only going back for clothes, toiletries, stuff I could easily replace. It was just stuff.
It had taken Isadora to make me realize the problem.
Toni had needed the comfort of her own things around her.
And I'd wanted me to be enough. Although there was no reason for me to even think she'd feel that way. I'd never done anything but betray and hurt her.
As I entered the breakfast room, their conversation paused. Swinging a look over at them, I said sardonically, “Don’t let me interrupt the party.”
“Oh, don’t be such a grump.” Isadora grinned at me and crunched a piece of bacon. Normally, I would have joined them at the table, but I didn't know if I could handle sitting with Toni and the almost too sweet cuteness that was my sister and Colton. He was staying here for a few days, apparently.
When I’d come down for a drink around midnight the night before, it had been to find Colton and my sister going over the classifieds online. Because of the angle of the computer, I'd been able to see the screen even though I'd paused in the doorway. They'd been looking at apartments.