The image became more transparent “Must go now. Supplements coming. Always part of me here; you and I, we’re the models. I suspect you have precedence now. Be seeing you.”
Bernard stood alone in the noosphere, surrounded by options he hardly knew how to take advantage of. He held his hand out toward the surrounding information. It rippled all around him, waves of light spreading from nadir to zenith. Ranks of information exchanged priorities and his memories stacked up around him like towers of cards, each represented by a line of light.
The lines cascaded.
He had been thinking
“Just another day for you, isn’t it?” Nadia turned and stepped gracefully onto the courtroom escalator.
“Not the most pleasant,” he said. Down they went.
“Yes, well, just another.” She smelled of tea roses and something else quiet and clean. She had always been beautiful in his eyes, no doubt in the eyes of others; small, slender, black-haired, she did not draw immediate stares, but a few minutes alone in a room with her and there was no doubt: most men would want to spend many hours, days, months.
But not years. Nadia was quickly bored, even with Michael Bernard.
“Back to business, then,” she said halfway down. “More interviews.”
He did not respond. Nadia, bored, became a baiter.
“Well, you’re rid of me,” she said at the bottom. “And I am rid of you.”
“I’ll never be rid of you,” Bernard said. “You always represented something important to me.” She swiveled on her high heels and presented the rear of an immaculately tailored blue suit. He grabbed her arm none too gently and brought her around to face him. “You were my last chance at being normal. I’ll never love another woman like I did you. You burned. I’ll like women, but I’ll never commit to them; I’ll never be naive with them.”
“You’re babbling, Michael,” Nadia said, lips tightening on his name. “Let me go.”
“Like hell,” he said. “You have one and a half million dollars. Give me something in return.”
“Fuck off,” she said.
“You don’t like scenes, do you?”
“Let go of me.”
“Cool, dignified. I can take something now, if you want. Take it out in trade.”
“You bastard.”
He trembled and slapped her. “For the last of my naiveté. For three years, the first wonderful. For the third a royal misery.”
“I’ll kill you,” she said. “Nobody—”
He brought his leg around’ behind her and tripped her. She fell back on her ass with a shriek. Legs sprawled, hands spread on stiff arms behind her, she looked up at him with lips writhing. “You—”
“Brute,” he said. “Calm, cold, rational brutality. Not very different from what you put me through. But you don’t use physical force. You just provoke it.”
“Shuttup.” She held out her hand and he helped her to her feet.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Not once, during their three years together, had he ever struck her. He felt like dying.
“Bullshit. You’re everything I said you were, you bastard. You miserable little boy.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. The crowds of people in the hall watched them warily, murmuring disapproval. Thank God there were no reporters.
“Go play with your toys,” she said. “Your scalpels, your nurses, your patients. Go ruin their lives and just stay away from me.”
An older memory.
“Father.” He stood by the bed, uncomfortable at the reversal of roles, no longer the doctor but now a visitor. The room smelled of disinfectant and something to hide the smell of disinfectant, tea-roses or something sweet; the effect was that of a mortuary. He blinked and reached out for his father’s hand.
The old man (he was old, looked old, looked worn out by life) opened his eyes and blinked. His eyes were yellow, rheumy, and his skin was the color of French mustard. He had cancer of the liver and everything was failing piece by piece. He had requested no extraordinary measures and Bernard had brought his own lawyers in to consult with the hospital management,, just to ensure his father’s wishes were not ignored. (Want your father dead? Want to ensure he will die more rapidly? Of course not. Want him to live forever? Yes. Oh, yes. Then I won’t die.)
Every couple of hours he was brought a powerful painkiller, a modern variation on the Brompton’s cocktail that had been in favor when Bernard had begun his practice.
“Father. It’s Michael.”
“Yes. My mind is clear. I know you.”
“Ursula and Gerald say hello.”
“Hello to Gerald. Hello to Ursula.”
“How are you feeling?”
(Like he’s going to die, you idiot.)
“I’m a junkie now, Mike.”
“Yes, well.”
“Have to talk now.”
“About what, Father?”
“Your mother. Why isn’t she here?” v
“Mother’s dead, Father.”
“Yes. I knew that. My mind is clear. It’s just… and I’m not complaining, mind you… it’s just that this hurts.” He took hold of Bernard’s hand and squeezed it as hard as he could—a pitiful squeeze. “What’s the prognosis, son?”
“You know that, Father.”
“Can’t transfer my brain for me?”
Bernard smiled. “Not yet. We’re working on it.”
“Not soon enough, I’m afraid.”
“Probably not soon enough.”
“You and Ursula—doing okay?”
“We’re settling things out of court, Father.”
“How’s Gerald taking it?”
“Badly. Sulking.”
“Wanted to divorce your mother once.”
Bernard looked into his father’s face, frowning. “Oh?”
“She had an affair. Infuriated me. Taught me a lot, too. Didn’t divorce her.”
Bernard had never heard any of this.
“You know, even with Ursula—”
“It’s over with, Father. We’ve both had affairs, and mine is turning out pretty serious.”
“Can’t own a woman, Mike. Wonderful companions, can’t own them.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Maybe you do. I thought, when I found out about your mother’s lover, I thought I would die. It hurt almost as much as this does. I thought I owned her.”
Bernard wished the conversation would take another direction. “Gerald doesn’t mind going off to school for a year.”
“But I didn’t. I was just sharing her. Even if a woman only has you for a lover, you share her. She shares you. All this concern with fidelity, it’s a sham, a mask. Mike. It’s the record that counts. What you do, how well you do it, how dogged you are.”
“Yes, Father.”
“Say.” His father’s eyes widened.
“What?” Bernard asked, taking his hand again.
“We stayed on together thirty years after that.”
“I never knew.”
“Didn’t need to know. I was the one who needed to know, to accept. That’s not all that’s on my mind. Mike, remember the cabin? There’s a stack of papers up in the loft, under the bunk.”
The cabin in Maine had been sold ten years before.
“I was doing some writing,” his father continued after swallowing hard and painfully. His face wrinkled up and he made a bitter moue. “About when I was a doctor.”
Bernard knew where the papers were. He had rescued them and read them during his internship. They were now in a file in his office in Atlanta.
“I have them, Father.”
“Good. Did you read them?”
“Yes.” And they were very important to me, Father. They helped me choose what I wanted to do in neurology, the direction I wanted to take—Tell him, tell him!
“Good. I’ve always known about you, Mike.”
“What?”
“How much you loved us. You’re just not demonstrative, are you? Never have been.”
“I love you. Loved mother.”
“She knew. She was not unhappy when she died. Well.” He made the face again. “I have to sleep now. You sure you can’t find a good young new body for me?”