After she showed me the bruises and cried some more, things shifted gears. She went from wanting comfort to wanting me. At first, I didn’t have a ton of interest. I figured, why buy into problems I don’t need? Especially now. She’d just go back to him when he decided to apologize. Or when he rolled back into town again with another thick wad of pay in his pocket.
But I let it happen. In fact, I plowed right into it with vigor. That sparked her even more. She was a frantic wildcat and we summarily fucked each other’s lights out.
But it wasn’t her face I saw.
It was Ania’s.
In the dim light of my apartment last night, it had been easy for that fantasy to take hold. Now, in the hard, bright light of morning, I saw Connie for who she was.
Nothing special. Not the someone I thought I might be able to make something with. Just Connie.
And trouble.
If I was Jerzy, I’d probably just shrug it away. Tell Connie to fuck off and solve her own problems. Then go find Ania and get busy in that direction. And I had to admit, that sounded like a great solution, but there was something stopping me.
Call it conscience, call it duty, call it a sense of honor, but I always believed it’s the only thing that separates us from the goddamn animals. If I’d told Connie to get out of my apartment as soon as I walked in last night, I might be able to live with that. But once I bedded her? Well, that was like the consecration of an unspoken promise.
Wasn’t it?
The coffeemaker gurgled across the room in my tiny kitchen. I got up and walked over to get a cup. As I poured, I wished for the thousandth time that I had Jerzy’s sense of the world. He was his father’s son and I was my mother’s son, and that was that. Did it make me weaker than him? Better than him? Or just different?
Without really thinking about it, I reached for a second cup and set it beside the coffee pot. Connie would be awake soon.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Goddamn it.
I sat down to drink my coffee. After a minute or two, I turned my chair away from the bed and toward the morning light. The bright dawn washed over my face with a brittle warmth. I soaked it in.
I sat there until my cup was almost empty, then heard a rustle behind me. A few moments later, her hand settled on my shoulder. Her cheek pressed against mine from behind. I smelled her sour breath when she spoke.
“Hey, lover,” she rasped.
“There’s coffee,” I said.
She kissed my neck, then sauntered over to the counter. One of my shirts now hung down past her waist and cover the top of her ass.. I watched her pour a cup. I thought I’d never get tired of that body, but the curve of her hip and the way her thighs tapered toward her knees didn’t have the same pull it did just a short time ago. My eyes were drawn up to where my shirt covered the splotched bruising just above her waist.
Connie finished pouring and turned around. She sipped her coffee, giving me a playful look over the brim of the cup. It was part romantic, part lustful and two weeks ago, it would have pulled me in with the gravitational force of a collapsing star.
This morning, though?
It made me sigh.
Connie’s eyes narrowed. “What’s wrong, baby?”
I shook my head. “Don’t call me that.”
She walked purposefully toward me, putting just the slightest sway into each step. “What’s wrong?” she repeated.
I leaned down and set my cup on the floor. Then I looked up at her. “I can’t do this, Connie.”
“Can’t what?”
“Do. This.”
She pressed her lips together, anger and pride flashing across her features. She took a drink of her coffee, then looked down at it like she was considering throwing the entire cup in my face.
“You didn’t seem to have any problem last night,” she said, an edge creeping into her voice.
Yeah, I thought. But I wasn’t fucking you. Not really.
“You came here,” I said instead. “You were the one who came here.”
She scowled at me. “It takes two to tango, Mick.”
I nodded. “It does. But somebody has to lead.”
Her expression seemed to hover for a moment between hurt and anger. Hurt won out and tears sprang to her eyes. “I thought we had something. I thought — ”
“No, you didn’t,” I interrupted. “I was a play thing while Stevie boy was away. Then I was inconvenient when he came back. That’s how it was for you. And now that he’s graduated to smacking you around, I’m somehow the answer to your problems.”
“Well, what was it for you?” she said, angrily brushing tears aside. “If you’re so goddamn smart, answer that.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter what it was for me before. What it is now is what matters.”
She fell silent. I watched while she took a deep, wavering breath and let it out. She wiped her eyes some more, but the tears kept coming.
I wondered why she picked me. She was a nice looking woman. She could’ve picked any number of guys for the absentee boyfriend dance. I was no prize. So why me?
But I knew the answer. She picked me as part of the same fucked up reasons she picked Steve. It was all part of the drama she felt compelled to play out over and over again. Be the victim, be rescued, be reconciled. It was all drama and that was the fuel her engine ran on.
So, did I owe her? Because she came to me and I fucked her? She fucked me, too. Did that mean she owed me?
Connie dumped her coffee down the sink and stalked to the side of the bed. I watched as she gathered up her clothes from where they’d been tossed aside last night.
Did I owe her?
Maybe. But I was tired of that bullshit. Tired of owing. Tired of duty. Tired of living between two worlds.
Time to pick a side.
I stood up. She didn’t notice. I grabbed her by the wrist. She shot me a glare and pulled away. But I didn’t let go. I jerked her toward me, reached out with my other arm and enveloped her. She gave me a moment of token resistance, but when I grabbed her hair and snapped her head back, she stopped.
She stared up at me, her breath coming in short, trembling gasps. Her eyes were full of fear, of hate, of lust, of satisfaction.
“I’ll help you,” I said.
And I would. But not for her. For me. Because maybe Stevie boy needed his ass kicked. More than that, because I needed to win. Even if the big prize wasn’t Connie. Even if the real devil wasn’t Steve. It would work for some batting practice. And it was time to start winning on all fronts.
I kissed her, and goddamned if she didn’t turn into a wildcat again.
SEVENTEEN
Jerzy
The morning is clear and brisk as I come out of the apartment entryway. I walk to my car and my stomach is growling like a bastard. I’m heading to Joe Campo’s, a great little place to get a coffee and a little breakfast.
I didn’t sleep worth a damn, as usual. Dreams of running, can’t get away, that kind of shit. All the rest about last night, though? Oh, that had been just fine.
As I open the car door and start to get in, I happen to look up at her little third floor bay window and Ania is standing there, looking down at me.
She’s holding a blue robe loosely around her and even from this distance, I’m looking to see if I can get a glimpse of pleasant valley. Damn if I don’t think about climbing the steps right back up there. Just for a minute. Or an hour.
I tried to sneak out of her place before she even woke up. No kissy kiss good morning with breakfast on a tray. I mean, that just ain’t happening, not for anybody. Then again, I guess if it was to happen, she’d be the one.