And then the tone of the diary changed abruptly.
Where there had been almost daily entries before the night of Muriel’s defloration, the first entry after the one for July 4 was July 15. Carella kept turning blank pages, vaguely disappointed, wondering if the diary had ended with the big sex scene, and beginning to think again that the whole damn thing had been invented for the dubious pleasure of the reader. When he came to the July 15 entry, he read through it with a rising feeling of disorientation, scarcely able to believe it had been written by the same person who’d written the preceding pages. It was as though he’d been reading a novel (he still could not shake the belief that none of this was real) by a writer whose style he’d begun to understand if not particularly admire, and suddenly another writer had been brought in to finish the book. The entry was brief, the language plain, the gushing adolescent seemed to have disappeared overnight (or rather in the space of eleven days, the time that had elapsed since the entry of July 4 and the entry of July 15), to be replaced by someone who sounded strangely sober and... well, troubled.
He did not know why Muriel suddenly seemed unable to handle what she’d been yearning for since that first kiss in the balcony of a movie house in the merry month of May. He did not know until he read the entry for August 1. It was then that he learned who her lover was, and realized he was not a phantom, and understood why she had not named him till now. She had kept the secret until it became impossible to bear, but now she was forced to share it — if only with her diary. On August 1 her diary became her confessor and her confidante, and Carella was certain she locked it from that night forward. And whatever else he had previously believed about Muriel (and all other diarists), he changed his mind abruptly when he realized she was now putting down her thoughts only in an attempt to find answers to problems that were suffocating her. The unfortunate thing was that by the time of her last entry on September 5, the night before her murder, she seemed to have found none of the answers she was so desperately seeking.
Friday, August 1
I’m sure I’m pregnant.
Today I told him. I told him I hadn’t mentioned it before because I was sure I’d get my period, but now it was almost a week, it was six days to be exact, and I had to tell him. He was very calm about it. He said I shouldn’t worry. He said I’d have to see a doctor, take the rabbit test, make sure I was really pregnant, and then we’d see what we had to do.
I said, Andy what can we do? If I’m pregnant, what can we do? We’re cousins, Andy. We’re first cousins. Dear God, if you’re listening, let me get my period.
Saturday, August 2
I love him so much, that’s the trouble. But I know it’s wrong. We both know it’s wrong. We shouldn’t have done it, we shouldn’t have started it. He said I have to make an appointment with a doctor, but what doctor should I go to? I’m so embarrassed. Should I tell the doctor the truth? Or should I just pretend Andy is some boy I know, and not my cousin?
Monday, August 4
This morning I asked Heidi if she knew a good gynecologist. I told her I was itching and didn’t know anybody to go to, and was embarrassed to ask my aunt. Heidi is twenty-four years old, she said she’d been going to this one man, a Dr. Henry Keller, since she was eighteen, in fact got her first diaphragm from him. I called him on my lunch hour, and his nurse told me the first appointment she could give me was for the tenth. I said this was an emergency, and she said, What sort of emergency, and I said, I think I’m pregnant. Did you want a rabbit test? she asked. Yes, I said, that’s what I want. She asked me how late I was, and I said it was nine days now, and she said if I didn’t get my period by tomorrow, then on Wednesday I should go directly to a lab for the test. She gave me the name of a lab that did tests, and I thanked her and hung up.
Andy picked me up after work, and I told him I was going to wait another day and then go to a lab. He said okay. We were walking along toward his car. I told him I hoped I wasn’t pregnant. I asked him what we would do if I was pregnant. He said we would see.
Tuesday, August 5
I did not get my period, so I called the lab today and made an appointment for tomorrow during my lunch hour. Andy looks so worried. I’m sure the whole family knows something is going on.
Wednesday, August 6
I’m so happy I could scream! It’s only 7:00 in the morning, but I had to put this down before I start getting dressed for work. Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, God! I’m going to knock on Andy’s door, and wake him up and tell him. I don’t care if everybody in the house hears us. Well, I do care. But, oh Jesus, I’m so damn happy!
Thursday, August 7
Andy told me today he was ready to marry me if it turned out I was pregnant. He said there was nothing wrong with cousins getting married, and he was in fact thinking of telling his mother that’s what we planned to do. I said I didn’t think that was such a good idea, telling his mother, I meant. He said, Why not, don’t you love me, Mure? I told him I loved him more than life itself. And that’s true, that’s really true. But I didn’t want him to be making any wild promises just because he’d been so scared about my being pregnant. And I also said I was sure there was something wrong with cousins getting married, I was sure there was something in the Bible about it. He asked me where in the Bible? I told him I didn’t know exactly where, but I was sure it was in there someplace.
Saturday, August 9
I went to see Dr. Keller today, but not to find out if I’m pregnant, which thank God I’m not. I went to ask him to prescribe birth control pills for me. I did this because from now on, I want to make sure we’re absolutely safe. Andy still wants to tell his mother that we love each other and want to get married, but I’m sure I’m right about her going through the ceiling, and also I’m sure Uncle Frank will throw me right out of the house if he ever finds out.