The point I’m making is that Jack never would’ve reacted that way, I’m sure he wouldn’t. He’s very big on privacy, Jack is, which is one of the reasons his wife drives him up the wall. She can’t stand him doing anything without her. He sits down to read a book, his wife comes over, asks him what he’s doing. He’s sitting there reading a book, right? So she asks him what he’s doing. What he usually says is he’s riding a camel across the Sahara or he’s building an ark for when the rains come — ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. But she does that all the time, whenever he’s trying to read or listen to some music, or even when he’s down in the basement working on something, she’ll come over and pester him — What are you doing, Jack? He said it’s because she’s really quite an empty person inside — vacuous was the word he used, if that’s the way you spell it — and whereas he still loved her, there were times when he wished she was more self-sufficient. He told me this in all honesty, and said it wasn’t just a “My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me” pitch. He hoped I realized he wasn’t coming on with me, he just found me very interesting to talk to, and besides, he liked looking at me because I was so damn lovely. Those were his exact words — ”so damn lovely.” He covered my hand with his when he said this. He put down his fork and covered my hand. I didn’t mind it at all. I thought I’d feel embarrassed, his being married and all. Instead, it made me feel good. He’s a very nice person, and I’m sorry he’s having trouble at home. If some people could just understand that a person doesn’t want to be owned. Well, I guess it’s very hard for some people to understand that.
Friday, August 29
I had to lie to Andy today.
It was such a beautiful afternoon that around 3:30, 4:00, Jack said it might be a good idea if we took a drive into the next state at the end of the day, he knew a nice little place over there where we could go for a drink. Andy usually picks me up outside the bank at a little after 5:00, which is quitting time. The bank closes at 3:00, of course, but we stay on till 5:00. I told Jack I didn’t know whether or not I could make it because my cousin would be coming down to get me, and he grinned and said he was beginning to wonder about this cousin of mine, was I sure this guy was a cousin? I said, Oh, sure, he’s a cousin, all right, and he’s supposed to pick me up. So if I can’t get him on the phone, well then, we’d have to forget about it, or I’d have to take a rain check for some other time. I also told Jack that a person had to be twenty-one to drink in this state, and they were always asking me for my ID, but he said I didn’t have to worry because it was eighteen over the bridge there, and I certainly looked eighteen and he didn’t think anybody would bother me. Well, I called Andy and told him I had to work late, there was $104 we couldn’t account for, and we were all going crazy trying to track it down. I told him I’d catch the train home, and he said, Okay, he’d see me later. He also said he had some good news for me.
The place Jack took me to was about twelve miles over the Hamilton Bridge, a very nice little cocktail lounge attached to a motel. He was right about nobody asking me for my ID, though the man who served us did look me over very carefully. When I mentioned this to Jack, he said that’s because I was so beautiful. He said if a man didn’t look me over carefully, he had to be crazy. I really get kind of fluttery when he says things like that, I don’t know what it is. He told me again today how devoted he is to his wife, though she’s been pestering him about taking a vacation before the summer ends. Leave the kid with her mother, go away just the two of them. He told her he didn’t think he could get away right now, and suggested that she go alone — but of course she doesn’t understand or need privacy. He said he was sort of wishing she’d go. He’s a very nice person, I’m really sorry about the situation with his wife.
When I got home, Andy was waiting for me downstairs. He told me he’d gone to see a priest, and he’d asked the priest whether the Catholic Church objected to marriage between first cousins. The priest said the church would permit the marriage of persons related to the third degree of kindred, which meant that we would have to be third cousins in order to get married with the church’s blessing. So I asked Andy why he considered that good news, and he said the priest had told him special dispensations were sometimes granted, and that it was possible one might be granted for us. I told Andy it seemed like a lot of trouble to go through, just to get married, and he looked at me very strangely and said he thought the news was going to please me. Then we went upstairs, where supper was waiting, and neither of us said a word all through supper. Aunt Lillian wanted to know if anything was wrong. I told her, No, nothing was wrong.
Saturday, August 30
Andy came into my room at 10:00 this morning. I thought he was crazy at first, but he told me everybody was out of the house. He was wearing only pajama bottoms. I told him he should get out of there before someone came home, and he said he didn’t care if they all found out about us, he loved me and wanted to marry me. I told him the priest had said first cousins couldn’t get married, and he got very angry and said I hadn’t listened to him at all when he’d told me about the special dispensation that was possible. I told him I had listened very carefully, but I was sure dispensations weren’t just handed out every day of the week, that it was probably very rare that the church allowed first cousins to get married. He admitted that the priest had told him as much yesterday, and had also added something about it being bad to mix the blood. But he said he honestly didn’t give a damn what the church thought — who said we had to get married by the church? We could go right downtown and get married at City Hall, what the hell was so special about getting the church’s blessing? I said, Andy, if it isn’t so special to get the church’s blessing, then why did you go to see a priest yesterday? Andy, I think it is important to you, and it’s also important to me. And if the church is so against it, there must be a reason, and we ought to reconsider, maybe we ought to think about it for a while instead of rushing off and doing something we’ll regret for the rest of our lives. He was in bed with me by then, and he was on top of me and trying to get my nightgown off. I told him to please stop, I didn’t feel like it right then. He said I used to feel like it all the time, but now I never seemed to feel like it, and I said, That’s right. With you harping at me all the time about getting married, that’s right, Andy. You’re killing any desire I might be feeling, that’s absolutely right. He got out of bed and went out of the room, and I heard him getting dressed next door, banging closet doors and dresser drawers, and then I heard him storming out of the house. I didn’t see him all day today.
Sunday, August 31
In church this morning, I prayed that God would help me to break off with Andy.
I can’t bear it any longer.
I have to be free of him.
He didn’t say a word to me all day. At supper tonight, he looked sullen and angry, and finally Uncle Frank told him to please leave the table if he didn’t know how to behave with human beings. Andy got up and went straight to his room. I’m sure they’re all going to know what’s going on if he doesn’t quit acting this way. He must think they’re all fools.