Monday, September 1
Today is Labor Day, which means the bank is closed and I won’t get to see Jack. All this weekend I’ve been longing to talk to him. I just can’t go on this way, I’ve got to have someone to talk to about this situation. I’ve been thinking of running away from here, but I know that would hurt Aunt Lillian, and she’s a dear sweet woman who I love a lot. If only I hadn’t started with Andy. If only I’d been stronger. I have to tell somebody about this.
Tuesday, September 2
The first thing I did when I got to work was call Jack’s office. His secretary asked who this was, and I said it was me, and said I thought I’d found a bookkeeping error. When she put Jack on the line, I explained that I needed desperately to talk to him. We agreed on a place to meet for lunch, and at about a quarter to 1:00 I began telling him the whole story.
He was shocked.
He said the first thing I had to do was get out of that house. I told him I couldn’t do that immediately, I would first have to find a place to stay. He said he’d help me do that, and he warned me that meanwhile I must not have anything to do with my cousin, that the situation could only deteriorate. From what I had told him about the various times Andy had become violent with me, Jack was frankly fearful for my safety. I told him I didn’t think there was anything to worry about in that respect, and he said I certainly hope so, Muriel, because if anything should happen to you — and then suddenly he got very quiet, and he looked down at his plate. Finally I said, Yes, Jack, what if something should happen to me? He said he was sorry he’d said that. He was a married man, and I was only a seventeen-year-old girl, and he had no right to express any interest in me other than what a good and concerned friend might express. So I said, Don’t you consider yourself something more than a good and concerned friend, Jack? And he said, All I know is I’m worried about you, Muriel. I want you to get out of that house before your cousin takes it into his head to harm you.
I assured him that Andy wasn’t the type who’d really hurt me. Even though he’d slapped me that one time, and grabbed my arm a couple of times, I told Jack I didn’t think he was really the violent type. Jack said he was worried, anyway, and he suggested that I take a room in a hotel downtown until I could find a place of my own, but I told him my Uncle Frank would never permit that. In fact, I was going to have a hard-enough time of it just moving out. I was only seventeen, after all, and my Uncle Frank and my Aunt Lillian were my guardians. And Jack said, If they’re your guardians, they should have made certain their goddamned son kept his filthy hands off you.
And that was when I started crying, and he took me in his arms right there in the restaurant and told me not to worry, he would never let anyone or anything harm me.
I’m really frightened in this house now that Jack has succeeded in making me aware of the danger here. Andy is still walking around with a long face, and I know that both my Aunt Lillian and Uncle Frank are wondering what’s going on between us. I’m just afraid Andy will tell them the whole thing and then I honestly don’t know what will happen.
Patricia is watching me as I write this. She is in her bed across the room. Next door, I can hear Andy pacing the floor.
Wednesday, September 3
At breakfast this morning Andy told Patricia and me that we’re all going to a party together this Saturday night. He said it’s a birthday party for his friend Paul Gaddis, and he said there’d be a lot of nice people there and we’d all have a good time. I told him I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it, and Patricia asked me did I have a date for this Saturday, and I said, No, but there was a movie I’d planned on seeing, and they both said I could go see the movie any time at all, but this was a birthday party, and Andy had gone to a lot of trouble to get us invited to it. So I was trapped into saying I’d go.
When I told Jack about this at work, he said I was a fool. He said I should break off with Andy as soon as possible, let him know it’s finished between us, and not go with him to parties or anyplace. I promised I’d tell Andy tonight.
Well, we just got back from a long walk, and I tried to tell him, but he just wouldn’t listen. He just wouldn’t understand. To begin with, Patricia wanted to come along with us when we said we were going for a walk, but Andy said he wanted to discuss some of the courses he was thinking about registering for — registration is Monday — and since I was the one who’d looked through the catalog with him, he thought it’d be better if we talked it over alone. He didn’t want to talk at all, of course. What he wanted to do was what he always wanted to do. He started walking me over toward his car, and he asked me if I’d like to take a ride out to the beach, and I said, No, I had to go to work the next morning, it’d take us at least an hour to get out to Sands Spit, and he said he had the beach over at Henley Island in mind, be a nice night to just sit there on the beach and look out at the ocean. I told him I didn’t feel like going out to the beach, and he said, Well, let’s get in the car anyway, okay, Mure? I said, No, I didn’t want to get in the car because I knew what he had in mind, and I wasn’t in the mood for anything like that tonight. In fact, there were some things we had to talk about, some very serious things.
He changed the subject right then and there, told me how much he was looking forward to starting school next week, and how right I was about waiting before we got married, dispensation might take a while anyway, if ever we applied for it, though we didn’t have to, we could just get married at City Hall, the way he’d suggested earlier. I tried to break in at that point, tried to tell him I didn’t want to get married at all, but he changed that around, too, made it sound as if I was agreeing it would be a good thing to wait a little while. I tried three or four times to get him to understand that I wanted to break off with him, that I honestly didn’t love him anymore, but he just wouldn’t listen, and I never could get past the first couple of words before he jumped in with something to change the subject. It was impossible.
We got home about fifteen minutes ago, and he’s in the living room watching television right this minute. Patricia’s in there, too. I’ve got to tell him. Jack will be furious with me when he learns I didn’t tell him. But if Andy won’t listen, what am I supposed to do?
Thursday, September 4
Tonight I told him.
I got very frightened at one point.
But I told him. And it’s over with. I think it’s over with. After supper Aunt Lillian asked Uncle Frank if he’d take her out shopping. This is Thursday night, and all the department stores are open till 9:00. So he said okay, and they went out and left Patricia and me to do the dishes. Patricia had to go to the library, to get a book she needed for a class assignment, so she left at about 7:30, and Andy and I were all alone in the house. He had gone to his room right after supper, and he was in there with the door closed. I was really afraid to knock on his door, so I went into the living room for a while and watched television, but I knew I had to do it sooner or later, I was just building my courage. At about a quarter to 8:00 I went across the hall and knocked on his door, and he told me to come in. He was lying on his bed with his hands behind his head. He was wearing only his undershorts. I said I wanted to talk to him and he said, Sure, what about? I told him I wanted to talk about us, and then I closed the door and went to sit in a wingback chair he had across from the bed in his room. I was still wearing the dress I’d worn to work that day, I hadn’t changed when I got home. The dress and a ribbon in my hair and pantyhose and the blue shoes with the French heels. The television was on in the living room, I could hear a telephone ringing on it, and then the squeal of an automobile’s tires, doors opening and closing, voices.