"Just don't touch me while I'm sleeping, okay? A relationship is based on mutual trust and respect."
"So I guess the mallet and the stake are out of the question?"
"Tommy!"
"Kmart had a sale on mallets. You were wondering if you were immortal. I wasn't going to try it without asking you."
"How long do you think it will take for you to forget what sex feels like?"
"I'm sorry, Jody. Really, I am."
The question of immortality did, indeed, bother Jody. The old vampire had said that she could be killed, but it was not the sort of thing that you could easily test. It was Tommy, of course, after a long talk with Peary while trying to avoid working on his little Southern-girl story one morning, who came up with the test.
Jody awoke one evening to find him in the bathroom emptying ice cubes out of a tray into the big claw-foot tub.
He said, "I was a lifeguard one summer in high school."
"So?"
"I had to learn CPR. I spent half the summer pumping pissy pool water out of exhausted nine-year-olds."
"So?"
"Drowning."
"Drowning?"
"Yeah, we drown you. If you're immortal, you'll be fine. If not, the cold water will keep you fresh and I can revive you. There's about thirty more trays of ice stacked up on Peary. Could you grab some?"
"Tommy, I'm not sure about this."
"You want to know, don't you?"
"But a tub of ice water?"
"I've run all the possibilities down — guns, knives, an injection of potassium nitrate — this is the only one that can fail and not really kill you. I know you want to know, but I don't want to lose you to find out."
Jody, in spite of herself, was touched. "That's the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me."
"Well, you wouldn't want to kill me, would you?" Tommy was a little concerned about the fact that Jody had been feeding on him every four days. Not that he felt sick or weak; on the contrary, he found that each time she bit him he was energized, stronger, it seemed. He was throwing twice as much stock at the store and his mind seemed sharper, more alert. He was making good progress on his story. He was starting to look forward to being bitten.
"Come on then," he said. "In the tub."
Jody was wearing a silk nighty that she let drop to the floor. "You're sure if this doesn't work…"
"You'll be fine."
She took his hand. "I'm trusting you."
"I know. Get in."
Jody stepped into the cold water. "Brisk," she said.
"I didn't think you could feel it."
"I can feel temperature changes, but they don't bother me."
"We'll experiment on that next. Under you go."
Jody lay down in the tub, her hair spread across the water like crimson kelp.
Tommy checked his watch. "After you go under, don't hold your breath. It's going to be hard, but suck the water into your lungs. I'll leave you under for four minutes, then pull you out."
Jody took deep breaths and looked at him, a glint of panic in her eyes. He bent and kissed her. "I love you," he said.
"You do?"
"Of course." He pushed her head under the water.
She bobbed back up. "Me too," she said. Then she went under.
She tried to make herself take in the water but her lungs wouldn't let her and she held her breath. Four minutes later Tommy reached under her arms and pulled her up.
"I didn't do it," she said.
"Christ, Jody, I can't keep doing this."
"I held my breath."
"For four minutes?"
"I think I could have gone hours."
"Try again. You've got to inhale the water or you'll never die."
"Thanks, coach."
"Please."
She slipped under the water and sucked in a breath of water before she could think about it. She listened to the ice cubes tinkling on the surface, watched the bathroom light refracting through the water, occasionally interrupted by Tommy's face as he looked down on her. There was no panic, no choking — she didn't even feel the claustrophobia that she had expected. Actually, it was kind of pleasant.
Tommy pulled her up and she expelled a great cough of water, then began breathing normally.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine."
"You really did drown."
"It wasn't that bad."
"Try it again."
This time Tommy left her under for ten minutes before pulling her up.
After the cough, she said, "I guess that's it."
"Did you see the long tunnel with the light at the end? All your dead relatives waiting? The fiery gates of hell?"
"Nope, just ice cubes."
Tommy turned around and sat down hard on the bathroom rug with his back to the tub. "I feel like I was the one that got drowned."
"I feel great."
"That's it, you know. You are immortal."
"I guess so. As far as we can test it. Can I get out of the tub now?"
"Sure." He handed her a towel over his shoulder. "Jody, are you going to leave me when I get old?"
"You're nineteen years old."
"Yeah, but next year I'll be twenty, then twenty-one; then I'll be eating strained green beans and drooling all over myself and asking you what your name is every five seconds and you'll be twenty-six and perky and you'll resent me every time you have to change my incontinence pants."
"That's a cheery thought."
"Well, you will resent it, won't you?"
"Aren't you jumping the gun a little? You have great bladder control; I've seen you drink six beers without going to the bathroom."
"Sure, now, but…"
"Look, Tommy, could you look at this from my point of view? This is the first time I've had to really think about this as well. Do you realize that I'll never have blue hair and walk with tiny little steps? I'll never drive really slow all the time and spend hours complaining about my ailments. I'll never go to Denny's and steal all the extra jelly packets and squirrel them away in a giant handbag."
Tommy looked up at her. "You were looking forward to those things?"
"That's not the point, Tommy. I might be immortal, but I've lost a big part of my life. Like French fries. I miss eating French fries. I'm Irish, you know. Ever since the Great Potato Famine my people get nervous if they don't eat French fries every few days. Did you ever think about that?"
"No, I guess I didn't."
"I don't even know what I am. I don't know why I'm here. I was made by some mystery creature and I don't have the slightest idea why, or what he wants from me, or what I am supposed to be doing. Only that he's messing with my life in ways I can't understand. Do you have any idea what that is like?"
"Actually, I know exactly what that's like."
"You do?"
"Of course, everybody does. By the way, the Emperor told me that they found another body today. In a Laundromat in the Tenderloin. Broken neck and no blood."
Chapter 20
Angel
If Inspector Alphonse Rivera had been a bird, he would have been a crow. He was lean and dark, with slick, sharp features and black eyes that shone and shifted with suspicion and guile. Time and again his crowlike looks landed him in the undercover role of coke dealer. Sometimes Cuban, sometimes Mexican, and one time Colombian, he had driven more Mercedes and worn more Armani suits than most real drug dealers, but after twenty years in narcotics, on three different departments, he had transferred to homicide, claiming that he needed to work among a better class of people — namely, dead.
Oh, the joys of homicide! Simple crimes of passion, most solved within twenty-four hours or not at all. No stings, no suitcases of government money, no pretense, just simple deduction — sometimes very simple: a dead wife in the kitchen; a drunken husband standing in the foyer with a smoking thirty-eight; and Rivera, in his cheap Italian knock-off suit, gently disarming the new widower, who could only say, "Liver and onions." A body, a suspect, a weapon, and a motive: case solved and on to the next one, neat and tidy. Until now.