"What do you want to say to me, Jaimy?" I put up my needle and look him in the eye. He won't meet my gaze.
"When I was mean to you ... I thought I ... I was becoming one of those sodomites," he says, the words not coming easy. "Not with anyone else. Just with you."
Well.
"You'll just have to get over that, won't you," says I, all brisk and cruel. "As it ain't natural."
I return to my sewing.
He don't say nothin' at all, not for a long while.
"I know it's not natural and I know I'll have to leave the Service," he finally manages to say, hardly above a whisper. "Good-bye, Jacky. None of it was your fault." He begins to rise.
"Wait," I say, getting to my feet. "Before you go, I want you to hold this up so I can measure it."
"Wh—What is it?" he asks, all confused with the turn in the conversation.
"A dress," I say.
"A dress? For whom?"
"For me. Now stand up."
As he gets up, I pull off my white overshirt and pop open the top four buttons of my vest. I run my hand over my hair, fluffing it up a bit in the light breeze. I take a deep breath. "Ah yes. That certainly feels better. Now, Jaimy, hold it up against me ... Take the dress, Jaimy, come on. Don't be shy, now. Tuck it up against my ribs ... Right, push it up there, while I mark it. Hold it now. There. Thanks."
He stands stunned.
I sit back down and resume sewing, but I don't put my shirt back on and I don't button up my vest. I look up at him. "What's the matter, Jaimy? Ain't-cha never seen a girl?"
It's a good ten minutes he stands there staring. Then he sits down for another ten minutes just lookin' at me. At last, he finds he can speak. He stands up.
"What are we going to do, Jacky?" he asks, all stupid.
I get to my feet. I face him, square on.
"Well, Jaimy," I says, "you can kiss me, if you love me."
PART IV
Shorn of Hope and by Hope Betrayed,
Yet by Hope Uplifted and by Hope Is Saved.
Chapter 30
Oh, and it's a different James Emerson Fletcher who walks the deck of His Majesty's Ship the Dolphin these past days. His step is quick and light and his head is high and his gaze is clear and fixed on far horizons, but he is not of this Earth. His mind is adrift and awash in the wonder of it all.
Me, too.
We have to be very careful because now I don't want to be put off the ship, not now, and though I know that I'm soon to be caught, I just want as much time as I can get right here right now with Jaimy, and that's all I'm thinkin' about. I ain't thinkin' any farther ahead than the next time we can be alone together in the mizzen top or on watch at night. Yes, I know we've got to be wary, just a little clutch and a kiss-me-quick here and there, but oh, Lord...
In my calm moments I realize that I am going to have to be the wise one of the pair of us. Jaimy, who is usually so upright and self-possessed and clearheaded, gets so carried away that he don't know what he's doin'. My own ardor is not to be discounted, but I know I've got to be strong 'cause I know what happens at the end. Mrs. Roundtree told me and I can't let it happen. Not yet, I can't.
I move back into the hammock. We've still got to sleep end to end to keep up appearances, for after all, Davy and Tink are right there, so it's the same as it was before. But now it's different, oh, yes, it's very different.
Tilly is teaching us some anatomy today. He has a large watercolor painting of the guts of a person—a male person. Jaimy is blushing for me, but I put on a look of keen scientific interest and run my toe up Jaimy's pant leg.
Tilly tells us what each of the organs are for and it hits me suddenly that he probably got the chart from one of those anatomists back in London. I try not to think any more about that as this may be someone I know. Or knew.
Still, it's good to know where the important guts are so as to be able to protect them when one is, say, down on the deck and being kicked. Next time it happens to me I'll make sure to squirm over and get my back to the wall to protect my kidneys. If I do that and curl up and cover my head with my hands and tuck my elbows into my belly, well, there's not much out there for them to kick.
"What are those two little things for, Mr. Tilden," I asks, pointing, and Jaimy gives me a kick and a look.
"Never you mind, Jack," says Tilly, looking at me as if I were beyond hope of redemption. "And you can stop with the silly smirking and grinning, you little fool. Remember, Jack, 'Whom the gods would destroy, they first make happy' Class dismissed."
And it's true. I am as happy as I have ever been, and I can only hope the gods cut me some slack. At least for a bit.
Willy is taken up as Ordinary Seaman. He's to be a Waister to start off, which means he'll work in the center part of the ship, on deck, and it's the lowest kind of seaman there is, but still it's seaman and not ship's boy and he gets full pay and a full share of prize money and a full ration of horse and biscuit and rum now, too. We're all happy for him and clap him on the back, and he swears he won't forget us in his new grand state and won't kick us even though it's now his right.
I take the seabag I was making for myself before everything changed and stitch wm. Simpson, seaman on the side, and we give it to him as a farewell present and he starts blubbering, good old Willy.
Jaimy and I force ourselves to sometimes go up on the foretop to be with Davy and Tink, all that's left now with Willy gone off to new duties and new mates. We talk and hang about like in old times, but all Jaimy and I want to do is be alone together, our arms and legs around each other and our lips mashed together and ... well ... We don't do that when the others are around, but that's all we're thinking about, so we ain't very good company.
I do come to my senses sometimes and insist that we act a little bit normal, so I send Jaimy away to hang about with the other sailors for appearances' sake, although it pains me to do so. Then I go up into the foretop with Davy and Tink, and I work on my cap.
My cap has a blue top that is gathered into a white headband on to which I have stitched hms dolphin. The blue top part is loose and floppy and roomy enough to stuff my hair up into. Davy swears that he will put a marlinespike in my belly and twist it if I wear that stupid thing in front of the Captain so that the Captain orders me to make them for all the boys, so that Davy his ownself has to wear the damned thing in front of the entire crew and so die of shame. Tink backs that up with a promise to gut me with a rusty knife if this comes to pass. I invite them to go do something unnatural to themselves and we fling curses back and forth, just like in the old days.
I fear discovery more than I fear either Tink or Davy, so now that I've completed my cap, I wear it constantly.
I have taken up my lessons in music with Liam again, now that the curse is off me, and he is starting me on the concertina, which is good 'cause even my love-addled mind knows that the time ain't long when I'll have to make my way alone. Jaimy says that no, that won't happen. He says that we'll get off the ship together and that we'll get married and that he'll take care of me, but I don't know. They could kick me off and keep him on, which is much more likely, the Service having put a lot of time and training in Jaimy and in me, too, but what's put in me will be lost to them and they'll probably be mad and in no mood to grant the wishes of two ship's boys. One ship's boy, rather, and one worthless ship's girl.