"Nice tan," Remo said politely, trying not to stare. Alice was certainly-something.
"I thought you'd like it. Join me for a drink?"
"No, thanks."
"Want to just go to my room right now and get it on?"
"Maybe later," Remo said as he strolled off.
"I'll take that as a promise!" Alice called after him. Remo kept seeing that great, golden, greasy image in his mind. He was turned off probably for good. And all at once he was turned on again.
She came out of the water not fifteen feet away. The late-morning sun shimmered around the figure in the emerald-green bikini, emerging with the natural grace of an auburn panther. Her skin was slightly dappled with the cutest freckles Remo had ever seen, and her tan had the depth of great art, rich and dark in some places but lighter in other places, as if inviting you to explore those places. Her hair was dark, swirling around her neck and shoulders, with a few dark strands clinging to the gentle swelling of her breasts as if they were directional arrows pointing the way.
Her features were strong, almost severe, but then she looked at Remo Williams and smiled a warm, provocative smile and she could not be more beautiful. "You look hot," she said.
That wasn't what he had expected her to say, and for the life of him he couldn't think of a response that sounded intelligent, although he tried hard.
The girl in the emerald bikini added, "The long pants, I mean. They're too warm for the beach."
"Oh. Oh yeah. Well, I forgot my swimsuit."
"You're joking!" She laughed.
Remo was convinced at that moment that he was the funniest, wittiest man ever. "No, really, I did," he said. "I guess I should buy one at the gift shop."
"I'll have somebody get it for you," she volunteered.
"That's not..."
She gave a brief wave and three of the hotel staff came running. She gave them quick instructions and they were gone again. "Yes, Minister," one of them said as he went.
"So," Remo remarked, trying not to stare at her below-the-neck parts, "you're a man of God."
She laughed again, enchanted by his refined sense of humor, "Not that kind of minister," she explained. "I'm minister of tourism, here on Union Island."
"Really?"
"Really. Maybe you've seen some of our commercials?"
"I avoid TV, when possible."
"Ah, that is wonderful! Most people watch far too much television. It is nice to meet someone who doesn't recognize me."
There were heavy footsteps on the beach behind him. They came unhurriedly but they came in his direction, without question. He maintained an awareness of them, using the part of his brain not needed for ogling. "You mean you're in your own commercials?" he asked.
"That's how I started out, doing the commercials. The government jobs came later."
Remo had been really enjoying himself for thirty seconds or so, but now he was suspicious. How had he just happened to come upon this very, very attractive member of the island government when he was on the island trying to track down a guilty party who was part of the government?
But the funny thing was that this woman was not one of the government people he was looking for. She had not been among the passengers of the tour bus on the mainland-he would have remembered.
"Care for lunch?" she asked.
"Yes, Ms. Minister," he answered, "I do care very much."
The footsteps were close now. Somebody said, "Lunch is going to have to wait, wrists-for-brains."
"What's going on, Alice?" Remo asked as he turned to find Alice Aberwicz closing in. Now that she was standing up she was simply awe-inspiring-tall and proud, her giant body endless, her massive breasts swaying ponderously over her stomach, which cascaded in thick rolls of flesh that completely hid the bikini bottoms she may or may not have been wearing. She was like some goddess of prehistory, the Earth Mother herself, carved life-size by an ancient artisan from pure gold. But the face was all wrong. Forget solemn or jolly, Remo thought. More like wrathful.
"You are a slimeball!" Alice spit foam in her fury.
"You should get out of the sun maybe," Remo suggested.
"Arrgh!"
"You know, if you're the Earth Mother, then I'm hitching a ride on the very next shuttle off the planet."
"I'm more than Earth Mother. I'm pure woman!"
"Several of them," Remo agreed.
"I've been cast aside by cheap pieces of meat like you for the very last time!"
"Didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Remo said insincerely. He couldn't help but notice the others coming. Five more women. All in swimwear. Every one of them had come on to him in the past half hour. Sally was in the rear but coming faster than seemed possible, her walker kicking up sand.
"I'm sick and tired of taking your crap!" Alice said.
"We just met."
"I mean you men! You fifth-limbers are all the same. Filthy, shallow ingrates!"
The spurned women were forming a half circle, and there wasn't a smiling face in the crowd. They had wild eyes. Sally was frothing.
Remo sighed. "Look, I'm really sorry. You're right, of course. I'm a male pig. I think with the wrong head. I treat women like crap."
"Unless they're women like that!" Alice jabbed one padded finger at the freckled beauty in the emerald bikini.
"Leave her out of it," Remo said. "In fact, just leave us both out of it. Go relax, have some drinks. Charge them to my room."
"Forget it! This time you face the consequences!" Alice Aberwicz put one arm behind her back and brought out a machete. It was two feet of curved gleaming steel-and there was only one place she could have been carrying it.
"Oh, God," said the minister of tourism, grabbing Remo's arm and hiding behind him. Remo glanced at her, reading stark terror on her face.
For some reason he had assumed this was a setup; the woman in the emerald bikini had to be in on it. But her fear was no act.
"Okay. Enough, Alice. Shoo."
"You pricks aren't getting away with it anymore-you will be the first to taste our vengeance."
"Scapegoated again."
"You are the symbol of the eternally evil penis!"
"And you're nuts."
With Remo's insult, Alice slipped the surly bonds of sanity and she thundered across the sand, the machete whistling in the hot air. The ranks of his spurned victims charged after her. The woman in the green bikini dug her fingers into Remo's arm and gasped, "Oh my-"
But by then the attack was already starting to be over. Remo was no longer in her grip, but slipping up alongside the golden Earth Mother that was Alice Aberwicz, ignoring the slashing machete as if it were of no consequence, and pinching her by the scruff of the neck. Then he ran away, skimming fast over the sand to the next wild-eyed woman.
The woman in the green bikini wasn't even sure she was seeing what she thought she was seeing. Again Remo seemed to do no more than touch a woman's neck.
Alice Aberwicz had come to a stop and stood there for a long moment with a kind of contentment relaxing her anger. The fiery coals of the rage in her eyes were being doused as if by a heavy, cool fall of peaceful rain. She smiled crookedly and collapsed heavily on the sand. Her massive bottom flattened, her gargantuan bosom flopped and by then Remo was giving the same sort of neck adjustment to the last of the menacing ladies.
Alice rolled onto her back and her eyes closed. She was almost smiling. Like punctured water-filled balloons, the others collapsed one by one into the sand and went limp.
Dawn Summens was wide-eyed. "What happened?"
Remo found a green filmy wrap on a nearby beach chair. "This must be yours."
"Did you kill them?"
At that moment Alice snored raucously.