But there was more. Specifically, four philandering husbands. One was Harold "Hal" Lanier, who for three years had been seeing a woman named Toni Jones, a co-worker at the LAPD Data Processing facility. She was pressuring him for a divorce; he was "waiting for the right time to tell his wife."
I glanced up at Hal. His red face was all the confirmation I needed.
Then it hit me. What had Kluge found out about me?
I hurried down the page, searching for my name. I found it in the last paragraph.
"...for thirty years Mr. Apfel has been paying for a mistake he did not even make. I won't go so far as to nominate him for sainthood, but by default—if for no other reason—I hereby leave all deed and title to my real property and the structure thereon to Victor Apfel."
I looked at Osborne, and those tired eyes were weighing me.
"But I don't want it!"
"Do you think this is the reward Kluge mentioned in the phone call?"
"It must be," I said. "What else could it be?"
Osborne sighed, and sat back in his chair. "At least he didn't try to leave you the drugs. Are you still saying you didn't know the guy?"
"Are you accusing me of something?"
He spread his hands. "Mr. Apfel, I'm simply asking a question. You're never one-hundred-percent sure in a suicide. Maybe it was a murder. If it was, you can see that, so far, you're the only one we know of that's gained by it."
"He was almost a stranger to me."
He nodded, tapping his copy of the computer printout. I looked back at my own, wishing it would go away.
"What's this... mistake you didn't make?"
I was afraid that would be the next question.
"I was a prisoner of war in North Korea," I said.
Osborne chewed that over awhile.
"They brainwash you?"
"Yes." I hit the arm of my chair, and suddenly had to be up and moving. The room was getting cold.
"No. I don't... there's been a lot of confusion about the word. Did they 'brainwash' me? Yes. Did they succeed? Did I offer a confession of my war crimes and denounce the U.S. Government? No."
Once more, I felt myself being inspected by those deceptively tired eyes.
"You still seem to have... strong feelings about it."
"It's not something you forget."
"Is there anything you want to say about it?"
"It's just that it was all so... no. No, I have nothing further to say. Not to you, not to anybody."
"I'm going to have to ask you more questions about Kluge's death."
"I think I'll have my lawyer present for those." Christ. Now I was going to have to get a lawyer. I didn't know where to begin.
Osborne just nodded again. He got up and went to the door.
"I was ready to write this one down as a suicide," he said. "The only thing that bothered me was there was no note. Now we've got a note." He gestured in the direction of Kluge's house, and started to look angry.
"This guy not only writes a note, he programs the fucking thing into his computer, complete with special effects straight out of Pac-Man.
"Now, I know people do crazy things. I've seen enough of them. But when I heard the computer playing a hymn, that's when I knew this was murder. Tell you the truth, Mr. Apfel, I don't think you did it. There must be two dozen motives for murder in that printout. Maybe he was blackmailing people around here. Maybe that's how he bought all those machines. And people with that amount of drugs usually die violently. I've got a lot of work to do on this one, and I'll find who did it." He mumbled something about not leaving town, and that he'd see me later, and left.
"Vic..." Hal said. I looked at him.
"About that printout," he finally said. "I'd appreciate it... well, they said they'd keep it confidential. If you know what I mean." He had eyes like a basset hound. I'd never noticed that before.
"Hal, if you'll just go home, you have nothing to worry about from me."
He nodded, and scuttled for the door.
"I don't think any of that will get out," he said.
It all did, of course.
It probably would have even without the letters that began arriving a few days after Kluge's death, all postmarked Trenton, New Jersey, all computer-generated from a machine no one was ever able to trace. The letters detailed the matters Kluge had mentioned in his will.
I didn't know about any of that at the time. I spent the rest of the day after Hal's departure lying in my bed, under the electric blanket. I couldn't get my feet warm. I got up only to soak in the tub or to make a sandwich.
Reporters knocked on the door but I didn't answer. On the second day I called a criminal lawyer—Martin Abrams, the first in the book—and retained him. He told me they'd probably call me down to the police station for questioning. I told him I wouldn't go, popped two Dilantin, and sprinted for the bed.
A couple of times I heard sirens in the neighborhood. Once I heard a shouted argument down the street. I resisted the temptation to look. I'll admit I was a little curious, but you know what happened to the cat.
I kept waiting for Osborne to return, but he didn't. The days turned into a week. Only two things of interest happened in that time.
The first was a knock on my door. This was two days after Kluge's death. I looked through the curtains and saw a silver Ferrari parked at the curb. I couldn't see who was on the porch, so I asked who it was.
"My name's Lisa Foo," she said. "You asked me to drop by."
"I certainly don't remember it."
"Isn't this Charles Kluge's house?"
"That's next door."
"Oh. Sorry."
I decided I ought to warn her Kluge was dead, so I opened the door. She turned around and smiled at me. It was blinding.
Where does one start in describing Lisa Foo? Remember when newspapers used to run editorial cartoons of Hirohito and Tojo, when the Times used the word "Jap" without embarrassment? Little guys with faces wide as footballs, ears like jug handles, thick glasses, two big rabbity buck teeth, and pencil-thin moustaches...
Leaving out only the moustache, she was a dead ringer for a cartoon Tojo. She had the glasses, and the ears, and the teeth. But her teeth had braces, like piano keys wrapped in barbed wire. And she was five eight or five nine and couldn't have weighed more than a hundred and ten. I'd have said a hundred, but added five pounds for each of her breasts, so improbably large on her scrawny frame that all I could read of the message on her T-shirt was POCK LIVE.
It was only when she turned sideways that I saw the S's before and after.
She thrust out a slender hand.
"Looks like I'm going to be your neighbor for a while," she said. "At least until we get that dragon's lair next door straightened out." If she had an accent, it was San Fernando Valley.
"That's nice."
"Did you know him? Kluge, I mean. Or at least that's what he called himself."
"You don't think that was his name?"
"I doubt it. 'Kluge' means clever in German. And it's hacker slang for being tricky. And he sure was a tricky bugger. Definitely some glitches in the wetware." She tapped the side of her head meaningfully. "Viruses and phantoms and demons jumping out every time they try to key in, software rot, bit buckets overflowing onto the floor..."
She babbled on in that vein for a time. It might as well have been Swahili.
"Did you say there were demons in his computers?"
"That's right."
"Sounds like they need an exorcist."
She jerked her thumb at her chest and showed me another half-acre of teeth.
"That's me. Listen, I gotta go. Drop in and see me anytime."
The second interesting event of the week happened the next day. My bank statement arrived. There were three deposits listed. The first was the regular check from the VA for $487.00. The second was for $392.54, interest on the money my parents had left me fifteen years ago.
The third deposit had come in on the twentieth, the day Charles Kluge died. It was for $700,083.04.
A few days later Hal Lanier dropped by.
"Boy, what a week," he said. Then he flopped down on the couch and told me all about it.