We form a quick circle with Coach in the middle of it.
“Surprise, girls.” She pauses and we stare around at each other with raised eyebrows and some head scratches. “Tonight is your first performance. Get your asses to the locker room and change. There’s a pinned up list of who is performing what, and which outfits you are wearing.” Forcefully, she places her hands on her hips and puts on her no bullshit face. “Don’t mess up. I’ll be announcing squads and leaders as you go on. No pressure, girls.”
We break fast, almost racing to find something that resembles a locker room. Once we find a tiny bathroom, we push and shove around the one list posted on the wall. My eyes scan over three or four times before I locate my name. My heart is pounding so loudly I can’t concentrate on reading.
I’m in a group with sophomores and juniors, and we are doing a dance to Without Me by Eminem. I recognize the song immediately, since the other day at practice we were assigned songs and the chore of choreographing moves to them. I don’t spend a ton of time analyzing my group, but I do see Stephie’s name and some other really talented teammates.
Tears instantly prick and threaten to overflow. My one single goal was to make squad leader, and that just flew out the friggin’ door. I knew it was unrealistic, but I worked my ass off and stepped up as a leader time and time again at practices. My brain knew it was unattainable, but I never convinced my heart of that simple fact.
When I find the box with our outfits in it, I shrug and lose all sorts of enthusiasm, but dig deep and muster up school spirit, still willing to give it my all. The sequined outfits are sexy and will showcase my legs. Silver and black. I hold my tears back and focus on what my dad would be telling me in this moment, and of course it would be something ridiculous to get me to giggle.
Looking around the tiny space and at the different outfits, I can tell this is a type of celebration, rite of passage, initiation, something of that sort, and it’s clear that upperclassmen knew it was coming. I’m impressed not one of them leaked this fact, but then again I’ve kept my head down and worked my ass off. When my sight lands on Sophie, her giggling and positive attitude finally makes me crack a grin. The girl is simply content with life, and I know it’s because she doesn’t hold herself to super high expectations. But I’m starting to wonder if she has the right idea. I should be humping Noah and taking cheer as it comes…but the sad fact is I’m not wired that way.
“Let’s go, girls,” Sophie squeals and leads her group out as if she’s already been titled.
I tug down on the shiny bikini top and adjust the girls. I guess the one good thing is that this is my song. It’s the one I connected with and made most of the moves to during practice. Coach Lindsey picked an array of songs, and we were expected to know and learn each of the routines and work together as a team. At the time, I thought the objective of the lesson was teamwork, so I guess this is the final test.
Stephie leads us to the back of the stage, and it’s only a few short steps until the red velvet curtain hides us. Coach Lindsey calls out all the group names, and I’m relieved to know we don’t perform first. We are the third squad out of five.
“It’ll be okay, Blue.”
I feel a hand pat my shoulder. I turn my head to see Trainer Jay standing next to me, and it’s as if he can read the disappointment on my face. I know I really need to suck it up and put on my game face. Sophie’s group goes first and is dressed in a similar outfit as my group’s, except the colors are gold and white. She dances her ass off with her squad to a Sean Paul song. Even though she wasn’t titled leader, her genuine enthusiasm does warm my competitive soul a bit.
The next group performs to another upbeat song by Outkast. The sound blares from the speakers with the deep bass heightening the school spirit in the hall, but even through all the joyous celebration I don’t miss the fact that another upperclassman was given the title of leader. The song trails off and the girls make their way from the stage, some carried off by other athletes and others simply taking a leap into the crowd.
My skin pricks and my mind has never been so rattled. All mental toughness just flew right out the fucking window. I want to turn and run back home to Colorado and go to a community college, forget Tuck and his smells, and my goals and dreams. I don’t have long to plan my escape route as I’m pushed from behind. I’m second to last in line and realize Coach has already started announcing our group.
“Here we have our third group of Preston cheerleaders.” She pauses a moment until we are all lined up on stage in our ready position. “This squad group will be cheering on the east side of the field at football games, entertaining our rowdy student section.”
Well, that makes my smile glow a little brighter with thoughts of cheering at Tuck’s games…and Noah’s, that is.
Coach demands attention again as she begins speaking in the microphone. I wait for any second to have my heart shattered. “Trainer Jay and some of our guest judges had a hard time with this group, as the talent is deep and beyond anything I’ve ever seen in my years of coaching. I have no doubt the leader will take the entire team to new levels, including all the squads.”
Stephie literally has the motherfucking audacity to inch forward a bit as if to presume the title is all hers. My eyes quickly scan our line-up and I pick out several other talented upperclassmen who could beat her out and pray like I’ve never prayed before to any god who exists that Stephie wouldn’t be the leader. Anyone but that snake.
Coach goes on and on about the strength and amazing qualities of her whole team, and I just want her to cut my pain short and name the leader, let us dance, and then I’ll make my escape back to the dorms to wallow. Not even the threat of the recent crimes on women all over the campus could hold me back from running to my room.
“It’s with great honor that I announce Blue Williams as the squad leader for the school year, and all I have to say is what a feat, young lady.” Coach’s eyes stare me down and send chills up my spine.
I hear each word and I think processed them correctly. I catch sight of Sophie standing on a table and screaming, and even catch a quick glance of Tuck with something that resembles a smile on his face. Yet, I don’t move.
“Blue.” Coach nods at me, and that’s when it hits me.
My body jumps into action, and I don’t let the fact that I just overcame the impossible skew my judgment right now. I send a quick nod to the girls, and we line up for the dance and wait for the music to start. Once it does, I’ve never danced with so much pride, honor, and conviction in my life.
Once the song started, the lights were dimmed, so it is difficult to make out faces in the crowd. Especially ones who like to wear a dark hoodie or beanie at all times. But when I spot Tuck, I never break eye contact with him.
Our few minutes finish on stage, and I stride off with most of the girls, while others bounce off the front or are grabbed by other athletes.
Someone calls my name, and I see Noah standing with his hand once again stretched up to me with that smile covering his face. Several other football players also surround him.
“What?”
“Jump. We got you.”
I shoot him a raised eyebrow, but don’t have time to ask too many questions before Coach announces the next group, so I jump down into their arms and they carry me above their heads, chanting Blue all the way back to our table. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. As they gently set me down, my eyes do the scan thing they are so used to doing, but don’t find the person they want to see.
“Thanks, guys,” I squeak out and then take my seat, my heart still thundering.
Sophie bolts into the middle of my lap within seconds, squealing, hugging, and kissing all over my face.
“I’m so proud of you, Blue. I knew you’d get it.”
I squeeze her back just as tightly, and still can’t believe what just happened. It takes everything inside of me to watch and cheer on the next two groups. All I want to do is bolt from this chair and sprint straight outside to call my mom. No, a call won’t do for this, but a quick FaceTime will.