The sheets of my once soft and welcoming bed that smell of home are harsh on my skin. Every part of me cringes as I sink into them. Even though Tuck is dead to me, he’s the only thing my body craves. My DNA needs him to function—no, yearns for him in order to survive.
My eyes drift shut, haunted by Tuck’s face and his possessive anger tonight directed toward me, and only me. It’s as if anyone else in the world saw him, and he instantly blamed me, but before I pass out completely I see the soccer player’s face and develop a hunger to hunt him down and take care of him first.
***
Drowning, still drowning in my own guilt and others’ stupidity. The world seems to keep spinning, but it doesn’t matter to me at all. The sun beckons me to wake up, but again I don’t care about attending class or even making it on time to practice. I’ve already lost the title of head cheerleader during basketball season, and it was actually a relief. It only took me showing up late to practice twice.
It’s been five days since the worst day of my life spiraled out of control, but I’ve lost so much. Even in my depths of sorrow and self-loathing, my admirer hasn’t given up. He’s even gone to the extent of speckling blood drops on my kill notes. It’s like I’ve made it near the top of his hate list, but have never secured the number one spot.
I’ve run every single night since, hoping and praying he revisits the same spot to finish the job. It seems easier than to explain to my parents the whole fucked up situation, and Tuck sure as hell hasn’t tried to make amends in the slightest.
Walking into the gym, I get a glare from Sophie and the rest of the girls behind her. In their defense, it could be my unshowered and unkempt hair or her disgust of me. Either way, I don’t fucking give a shit and hope more than anything…someone would slice my throat now and let me bleed out on the gym floor, since that’s how all my invisible open wounds feel.
I fought to be here and now would die to leave.
Chapter 32 Tuck
“I didn’t drive here to be turned away.”
“Sir, again, do you have an appointment?”
I pound a fist into the weak countertop and raise my voice to a growl. “I need to see him…”
I’m cut off by someone mentioning my name, and when I look up it’s as if I see her standing within her dad. Their eyes are identical, and even though Blue isn’t here now, the resemblance is something I never noticed. It’s not until this moment that I realize just how much they look alike. Her dad sees me, and I freeze. It’s written all over his face that he’s shocked to see me, but I keep on with my plan. I didn’t come here to fucking dick around.
“Sir, Dr. Williams, please?”
His face doesn’t hold anything back as he stares back at me. I knew it was going to be a gamble, but it’s worth gambling for. It’s been months without Blue in my life, and the last words she spoke to me ring in my ears every single morning. She’s right, I’m a beast and don’t deserve anything more. She’s the only person on Earth who actually made me believe I was desirable. She was my one person, and I pushed her away like a piece of garbage.
“Sir, I’d like a consultation, please.”
I know I’ve caught Dr. Williams by surprise, but just like his daughter, he welcomes me with open arms, and it’s another dagger to my wounded soul.
“Follow me, son. I have about twenty minutes.” He rounds the counter and opens the door. I follow him until he welcomes me into his office. It’s nothing less than prestigious, with an over-sized dark desk placed in the center of the room. The walls are adorned with plaques and certificate after certificate, but my vision is magnetized to one picture. The picture of Blue leaning into her dad with the biggest smile plastered on her face.
She’s a true beauty like I’ve never met before. It’s not just her perfect skin, gorgeous eyes, and killer body; it’s more than that. It’s her desire to fight for what she believes in and her ability to love. I owe this to her.
I sit in the large leather chair across from him and try to form a thought.
“I need your help.” I roll the sleeve of my shirt up to let him view my skin. “I need to be fixed, sir.”
He leans forward, pitching his pen to the ground. “What did you do to my daughter?”
I lift my shirt the rest of the way, pulling it over my head and exposing everything to him.
“I let her love me and then broke her heart.”
“Why are you here, Tuck?”
“I want these gone.” I rub the thick scars over my abdomen. “I want Blue back.”
He relaxes back in his chair and shakes his head. “I have no problem helping you out if this is what you want, but I know Blue better than anyone in the world. You broke her heart, she loved you more than cheer, so I do know that she’d never want you fixed.”
He air quotes the word “fixed.”
“I need to be fixed, to be whole again, because there is no way I can lay next to her with this skin.”
“Why?” He leans forward, resting on his elbows. “Has she ever made you feel inferior or ugly?”
“Never,” I whisper.
“So, you’re telling me that you don’t think you’re worthy of Blue.”
“Sir, she only ever made me feel loved and on top of the world, but when I look in the mirror I see the nasty truth.”
He raises an eyebrow at me, pushing me to go on.
“I’m not good enough.”
“It’s going down like this, Tuck.” Dr. Williams rises from his chair. “I’ll move ahead with this if you’re doing it for you, but if it stems from not feeling worthy of Blue or doing it for her, then you’ll have to move on.”
It’s the end of the discussion as he walks over to the door. “Oh, and Tuck, I think you’re a damn fool. You have so much in your life and overcame obstacles, but you are willing to let the scars ruin you. Wear them like a warrior.”
Three Days Later
I made an appointment this time and am ready to share my final decision with Dr. Williams. After several sleepless nights in a run-down hotel and countless conversations with my sister, I know exactly what has to be done.
“Tuck Jones.” A nurse in baby blue scrubs stands beaming before me.
“That’s me.”
She weighs me, takes my blood pressure, all the normal shit you go through at a doctor’s office. It was my life for years, surgery after surgery, with almost daily appointments. The only difference is Joe’s not by my side.
“All right, Tuck, to the room on the right. Doctor Williams will be with you soon.”
I hear the nurse swing open the room indicator and then pull the door half shut. She’s distracted by someone in the hall and is off before shutting it all the way. It doesn’t bother me since I’m still fully clothed and my mind is still reeling from everything I’ve processed over the last few days. It’s been numbing, then spirals into painful.
“Where is he?”
The voice coming from the hall now is very familiar.
“I don’t care if he’s busy or not. It’s about our daughter.”
The words slowly process in my foggy brain, and then I realize it’s Blue’s mom. I don’t wait for her to speak another word before I jet into the hall and come face to face with her. Blue’s dad joins us moments later.
“What is going on?” He grabs his wife by the elbow and begins hauling her to his office. I follow them, not caring if I’m invited or not.
“What is wrong?”
“It’s Blue,” she sobs before I can close the door behind us.
“What about her?”
“She made me promise not to tell you until she got home.” Her mom wails again before collapsing into the chair. “She quit the squad two weeks ago and was supposed to fly in today. She never showed up and isn’t answering her phone.”