“I die.” I combed my fingers through my hair and tugged. “What else would a reaper want with me?”
When I gave in and looked over at her, she was shaking her head, a glossy gaze fixed on her fingers, twisting my bedsheets into knots. “No. No…you’re not. It has to be a mistake. You must have misunderstood her.”
“Em…” I sighed, wishing I had a different answer to give her. One that included me living out a long happy life with her by my side. It made my chest ache to think of how much I was going to miss.
She’d go to college. Go after her dreams and make mistakes. I wanted more with this new Emma who wasn’t scared of the world. I wanted more and I wasn’t going to get it.
“Stop looking at me like that,” she whispered in a broken voice. A tear slipped down her cheek and I reached out to wipe it away.
“Like what?”
“Like you’ve accepted this.”
I ran my tongue ring back and forth against the backs of my teeth and shook my head. “I was supposed to die in that fire. I’m not even supposed to be here now. And she’s not lying. It’s not a mistake. I feel it, Em. I feel it every damn day. I’m dying.”
Emma caught a sob in her throat and slid her hand over mine, lacing our fingers. I let her. It felt too good not to.
“You are not going to die. I won’t let that happen.” She ran the back of her hand over her cheeks to wipe away the wetness.
I sat up and faced her. “Are you God? Yoda? Gandalf the Grey?”
Emma just stared back at me, clearly not amused.
“Then you don’t have any control over this,” I said. “So stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to fix me.”
Emma pressed her lips together, probably holding in an ocean of words she wanted to drown me with. She finally folded her hands in her lap and started messing with my pillowcase. That was one perk of being someone’s sidekick for this many years. She knew when to quit. She knew when to stop pushing.
I studied the outline of her profile in the moonlight and realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay mad at her. I didn’t want to. “Is Finn waiting for you?”
She shook her head. “No. He had to work late. He got a night job at that auto body shop in town.”
“Where is he staying now?” Please don’t say in your bed. Please, in a world of shittiness, just give me this.
“He got a little garage apartment,” she said. “The guy that owns the body shop is renting it to him until he can afford something better.”
As much as I hated it, I felt a little bad for the guy. It couldn’t be easy being thrown into a life where you had to start over from scratch. No family left alive. No money or friends. I stopped myself there. I wasn’t ready to go there yet. I didn’t want to like him. I scooted to the far edge of the bed and left enough space for Em. We didn’t have to say anything. It was understood. I didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone right then. She kicked off her shoes and lay down beside me, pulling the cover up over us both.
“Do you love him?”
Emma blinked up at the ceiling. “Yes.”
“How much trouble will you be in for staying with me?”
She laughed a little. “My mom’s dating a cop now, remember? They’ll probably send a search party.”
“I meant with your boyfriend.”
“You can’t hate him forever,” she said. “He’s a part of my life now. He’s not going anywhere.”
I sighed. “I know that. But I’m not ready to like him, Em. Don’t ask me to.”
Emma lay silent beside me, her breaths causing her back to press against my side. She finally wiggled like she was uncomfortable and said, “What about me? Are you going to hate me forever?”
“I don’t hate you.” I turned over onto my side and tugged on a piece of her hair that was splayed across my pillow. It looked pale and shiny in the splash of moonlight coming through my window. So different from Anaya’s dark, silky braids. Wait…why was I thinking about Anaya again? I shut my eyes and sighed. “I love you too much to hate you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Enough to show me your boobs?” I grinned into the pillow when she elbowed me in the gut. The bed shook with our laughter. “Come on. Consider it my dying wish.”
“No!” Her smiled dimmed and I knew I’d screwed up by mentioning me dying again. “And you don’t get a dying wish, because I’m not letting you die. I’ll take care of you.”
“You’re always taking care of me,” I said. “Why?”
“Because you’re too stubborn to take care of yourself.” She smiled across the pillow at me and pulled the blanket up around her neck. “Now go to sleep, perv.”
“You going to stay?”
She patted my leg. “I’ll stay till you fall asleep.”
I stared at her fingers on my leg, and questions that had no place in my head bubbled to the surface.
Questions I couldn’t ignore anymore. If I didn’t get them out, I was going to do something really stupid. Like kiss her. Words were going to work much better here.
“Can I ask you something without you getting pissed?” I asked, unable to stop myself from breathing in the scent of her hair all over my pillow. Asking her this could very well screw everything up between us beyond repair, but I had to know. If I didn’t I’d never be able to walk away from her.
From the what might have been s. “Do you think you ever could have loved me if Finn hadn’t come along?”
She broke eye contact with me immediately, running her index finger over the pillow between us. “I already love you.”
I tugged her chin up. “You know what I mean, Em. Did any part of you ever wonder if we might end up together?”
Emma watched me silently for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip before finally saying, “Of course I could have loved you. But I’m with Finn now…I’m always going to be with Finn.”
I gritted my teeth and nodded. I didn’t really know what to say. Mostly because I didn’t know what I really wanted. I was so fucking confused my head hurt. All I knew for certain was that I wanted my best friend back. I didn’t feel like me without her. The other shit was just petty jealousy and noise. I needed to get the hell over it.
“Cash, you’re my best friend,” she pleaded. “Please don’t—”
“I know.” I closed my eyes. “I was just trying to… Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
I exhaled an achy breath, wondering if knowing was going to give me the closure I needed or just screw with my head even further. Instead of dwelling on it, I just said, “Good night, Em.”
I turned my face to the pillow and tensed, trying to ignore the shadow slithering up to perch at the foot of the bed. With Emma here and my eyes shut, things felt halfway normal again. They felt right. I didn’t want it to end.
“What’s wrong?” Emma turned over to look at me, afraid. “Are they here?”
Her arm curled around me protectively, as if she’d actually be able to do something if they decided to make a move. A flurry of darkness swept past the open window. I shut my eyes and grabbed her hand, forgetting about the awkwardness I’d created between us, and pulled her against my chest.
“They’re always here.”
Chapter 8
Anaya
The Inbetween.
The place where souls came to be reborn. Or die.
I shivered as I approached the gates. It felt strange not having a soul in tow. I usually tried to avoid this place at all costs. And that usually wasn’t a problem, but since Finn had left, I found myself having to visit at least once a day. Only this time it was different. This time it wasn’t a soul that had brought me here.