“I’m sorry,” I choked out. “This shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t…I didn’t realize how old your soul was. I didn’t realize what you were or why Balthazar wanted you.”
“How old my soul is? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Finn stared at Cash with a little wonder in his eyes. “It means you’ve lived before. Lots of times.
This isn’t your first life.”
Cash closed his eyes and shook his head. “No…. no.” He said through gritted teeth. “If I’d been through all this more than once, don’t you think I’d remember something? Don’t you think I’d be a little better at it by now?”
“No,” I said. “You wouldn’t remember. It doesn’t work that way.”
“But Em remembers a little. From before.”
“That’s only because I helped her see.”
“Then help me see!” Cash stared at me, hope glinting in his eyes. “Help me see, so this feels real. So
I don’t feel like a complete nutcase.”
I couldn’t show him. I couldn’t allow myself to see his past. I was already crossing too many lines, forming bonds that were going leave me in shreds when this was done. “I can’t. I won’t.”
Cash buried his face in his hands and trembled. The ends of his burgundy scarf dangled over his knees. I looked up at Finn and he nodded. He didn’t have to hear the words. He knew. At least we still had that between us. He stood and patted Cash on the shoulder, then walked out of the room. I soaked in the silence until I heard an engine roar to life outside.
Slowly, he pulled his face out of his hands. His dark eyes burned me. His lips, pressed into a hard line, broke me. I reached out and placed my hand over his. He just stared at it for a minute, but after a few shallow breaths he finally laced his fingers through mine. I knew he was only touching me for the warmth, but I’d take it.
“So is this the only reason you’re here?” he asked, refusing to look at me. “To you, I’m just another soul to deliver. Only I don’t get to go where the rest of your souls go. I get hand-delivered to your boss.”
“It’s not like that,” I whispered. “I wanted to take you the first time I saw you. I wanted to give you that salvation. I still want to. You have no idea what this is doing to me, to see you like this. I wish I had a choice.”
He shook his head like he didn’t believe me.
“Cash?” I asked, softly. “How did you find out? Who told you? If someone has been speaking to you, I need to know.”
He stared at our intertwined fingers, quiet, as his thumb traced circles over my wrist. “What does he have on you, Anaya?”
He lifted his eyes and my stomach sank with a sick feeling. Did he know this too? He couldn’t.
Nobody knew but Balthazar and me.
“If you don’t want to be a part of whatever is happening to me, then what is Balthazar doing to make you do it?” he asked. “I know that babysitting a human probably isn’t in your job description. So I’m asking again. What are you getting out of this?”
Guilt stabbed at my insides, screaming, tell him, tell him! I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him that I’d agreed to deny him everlasting peace so I could be with my family, with Tarik, again. I pulled my fingers from his. I didn’t deserve his touch. This wasn’t right. God…this was so wrong. What was I doing?
Cash studied my face for a moment, no doubt seeing the lie before it even formed on my lips. He grimaced and pushed to his feet. The connection between us pulsed with pain and regret. “That’s fine.
Keep your secrets, Anaya. I’ll keep mine, too.”
Chapter 20
Cash
“Happy birthday,” Emma said in a singsong voice as I opened the door. She leaned on the doorframe, holding a plate with an oversize piece of birthday cake sitting on it like a work of art. A little fondant replica of me stood atop the cake, with a T-shirt on that said I’m kind of big deal. I laughed and dropped the box I was holding on the floor.
“He’s edible, too,” she said when she saw me squinting to read the little Cash’s T-shirt.
“Just like in real life.” I grinned.
“Ha, ha.” Emma raised a brow. “So, are you going to let me in or what?”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“Oh yeah?” She breezed past me. “Since when? Because this is the first year I can remember that you didn’t put in a request for the flavor you wanted three months ahead.”
“Things are different now.”
Now I was on my way out. I sat down on the bed with Emma and took the fork she handed me. She took the first bite and laughed around a mouthful of red velvet cake.
“You’re right,” she finally said. “Now you’re actually old enough to do all of the illegal crap you do for fun.”
“Well, thanks for pointing that out,” I said. “Now it won’t be as fun.”
I gave up a laugh and took a bite of cake, wishing I could really taste it like I used to. It was probably going to be my last birthday cake, after all. But food just didn’t taste good anymore.
Everything left a stale taste on my tongue. Made my stomach churn with the want to reject it. I didn’t let her know that, though. Instead I shoveled a second bite in. Em and I didn’t have many of these moments left. I wasn’t going to ruin it.
“How’d you know this kind was my favorite?” I said.
“Do I look like an amateur?”
“No.” I smiled. “No, you do not.” No. She looked like the girl I remembered before her dad died.
Full of life and love and hope. She wasn’t that girl hiding in the shadows anymore, snapping pictures of a life she refused to live. She was happy. And that made me pretty damn happy. The look on her face in this moment…this was why I couldn’t hate Finn. He gave this to her when I couldn’t. I hoped
I’d get to keep these memories in the afterlife, whatever that might be. Because I wanted to remember her just like this.
“I got you a present, too.” She tossed me a wrapped package. I grinned at her and tore it open and… laughed. I held up the black T-shirt. It said I see dead people.
“I think you know me a little too well,” I said. “I love it, Em. It’s perfect.”
Emma set her fork on the plate and sighed, her eyes lingering on the packed boxes in the corner of the room. I could hear the disapproval in her quiet sigh and she brushed crumbs off her lap.
“You’re still going to leave, even after I made you cake,” she said.
“Yep.” I sat my fork down too and watched tears gather in the corners of her blue eyes. She wiped them away before they could escape.
“You don’t have to,” she said.
“I know I don’t,” I said. “But I need to.” I couldn’t have Emma seeing me like this anymore. I’d already made Finn promise not to let her see me when I got bad. And it was getting worse. Every minute that passed it was getting worse. And I didn’t want these little shadow bastards near her. She’d already gone through a hell all her own. No way was I dragging her into mine.
“I’m eighteen, Em. And the house is in my name now that the lawyers are done.” I kicked her tennis shoe with my boot. “There’s no point in putting your mom and Parker out when I’ve got my own place.”
Emma stood up and stared out the window. “This is crazy. Your own place . That doesn’t even sound right.”
“It’s not like I have the luxury of being a kid anymore.”