I could feel the urgency in his fingertips as he steered me right on to Fifty-fifth Street. Carnegie Hall was empty, a few people strolling past on the sidewalk. It was getting close to one A.M., and my thoughts were floating in alcohol, nerves taut.
Sparacino had gotten more animated and obsequious with each Grand Marnier until he was finally slurring his words.
"He doesn't miss a trick. You think he's soused and won't remember a thing in the morning. Hell, he's on red alert even when he's sound asleep."
"You're not making me feel any better," I said.
We headed straight for the elevator, where we rode up in self-conscious silence, watching the floor light blink from number to number. Our feet were quiet on the carpeted hallway. Hoping my bag was there, I was relieved to see it on the bed when I stepped inside my room.
"Are you nearby?" I asked.
"A couple doors down." His eyes were darting around. "You going to offer me a nightcap?"
"I didn't bring anything…"
"There's a bar fully stocked. Take my word for it," he said.
We needed another drink like a hole in the head.
"What's Sparacino going to do?" I asked.
The "bar" was a small refrigerator filled with beer, wine, and jigger-sized bottles.
"He sees us together," I added. "What's going to happen?"
"Depends on what I tell him," Mark said.
I handed him a plastic cup of Scotch. "Let me ask it this way. What are you planning to tell him, Mark?"
"A lie."
I sat down on the edge of the bed.
He pulled a chair close and began slowly swirling the amber liquor. Our knees were almost touching.
"I'll tell him I was trying to find out what I could from you," he said, "trying to help him out."
"That you were using me," I said, my thoughts breaking apart like a bad radio transmission. "That you were able to do that. Because of our past."
"Yes."
"And that's a lie?" I demanded.
He laughed, and I had forgotten how much I loved the sound of his laugh.
"I fail to see the humor," I protested. It was hot inside the room. I felt flushed from the Scotch. "If that's a lie, Mark, then what's the truth?"
"Kay," he said, still smiling, and his eyes wouldn't let me go. "I've already told you the truth."
He was silent for a moment. Then he leaned over and touched my cheek, and I was frightened by how much I wanted him to kiss me.
He leaned back in his chair. "Why don't you stay, at least until tomorrow afternoon? Maybe we should both go talk to Sparacino in the morning."
"No," I said. "That's exactly what he'd like me to do."
"Whatever you say."
Hours later, after Mark left, I lay awake staring up into the darkness, aware of the cool emptiness of the other side of the bed. In the old days Mark never stayed the night, and the next morning I would go around the apartment collecting various articles of clothing, dirty glasses, dishes, and wine bottles, and emptying the ashtrays. Both of us smoked then. We would sit up until one, two, three A.M., talking, laughing, touching, drinking, smoking. We also argued. I hated the debates, which all too often turned into vicious exchanges, blow for blow, tit for tat, Code section this for philosophical that. I was always waiting to hear him say he was in love with me. He never did. In the morning I had the same empty feeling I'd had as a child when Christmas was over and I helped my mother gather up the discarded gift paper strewn under the tree.
I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe I never had. The emotional distance was never worth the togetherness, and yet I didn't learn. Nothing had changed. Had he reached for me, I would have forgotten to behave sensibly. Desire has no reason, and the need for intimacy had never stopped. I had not conjured up the images in years, his lips on mine, his hands, the urgency of our hunger. Now I was tormented by the memories.
I had forgotten to request a wake-up call and didn't bother with the clock by the bed. Setting my mental alarm for six, I woke up exactly on time. I sat straight up and felt as bad as I looked. A hot shower and careful grooming did not hide the dark puffy circles under my eyes or my wan complexion. The bathroom lighting was brutally honest. I called United Airlines and was tapping on Mark's door at seven.
"Hi," he said, looking disgustingly fresh and chipper. "You change your mind?"
"Yes," I said. The familiar scent of his cologne rearranged my thoughts like bright shards of glass inside a kaleidoscope.
"I knew you would," he said.
"And how did you know that?" I asked.
"Never knew you to duck a fight," he said, watching me in the dresser mirror as he resumed knotting his tie.
Mark and I had agreed to meet at the Orndorff amp; Berger offices in the early afternoon. The firm's lobby was a heartless, deep space. Rising from black carpet was a massive black console beneath polished-brass track lighting, with a solid block of brass serving as a table between two black acrylic chairs nearby. Remarkably, there was no other furniture, no plants or paintings, nothing else but a few pieces of twisted sculpture desposited like shrapnel to break the vast emptiness of the room.
"May I help you?" The receptionist gave me a practiced smile from the depths of her station.
Before I could respond, a door indistinguishable from the dark walls silently opened and Mark was taking my suit bag and ushering me inside a long, wide hallway. We passed doorway after doorway opening onto spacious offices with plate-glass windows offering a gray vista of Manhattan. I didn't see a soul. I supposed everybody was at lunch.
"Who in God's name designed your lobby?" I whispered.
"The person we're going to see," Mark said.
Sparacino's office was twice the size of the others I had passed, his desk a beautiful block of ebony scattered with polished gemstone paperweights and surrounded by walls of books. No less intimidating than he had seemed last night, this lawyer to luminaries and the literati was dressed in what looked like an expensive John Gotti suit, the handkerchief in his breast pocket offering a contrasting touch of bloodred. He did not budge from his casual repose when we walked in and helped ourselves to chairs. For a chilly moment he did not even look at us.
"Understand you're on your way to lunch," he finally said as cool blue eyes lifted up and thick fingers shut a file folder. "I promise not to hold you up long, Dr. Scar-petta. Mark and 1 have been reviewing a few details pertaining to the case of my client, Beryl Madison. As her attorney and the executor of her estate, I have some fairly clear needs, and I'm confident you can assist me in complying with her wishes."
I said nothing, my search for an ashtray fruitless.
"Robert needs her papers," Mark said un-emphatically. "Specifically the manuscript of the book she was writing, Kay. I was explaining to him before you got here that the medical examiner's office is not the custodian of these personal effects, at least not in this instance."
We had rehearsed this meeting over breakfast. Mark was supposed to "handle" Sparacino before I arrived. Already I was getting the feeling that I was the one being handled.
I looked straight at Sparacino and said, "The items receipted to my office are of an evidentiary nature and do not include any papers you might need."
"You're telling me you don't have the manuscript," he said.
"That's correct."
"You don't know where it is, either," he said.
"I have no idea."
"Well, now, I've got a few problems with what you're saying."
His face was expressionless as he opened the file folder and produced a photocopy I recognized as Beryl's police report.
"According to the police, a manuscript was recovered at the scene," he said. "Now I'm being told there isn't a manuscript. Can you help me make sense of that?"
"Pages of a manuscript were recovered," I answered. "But I don't think they're what you're interested in, Mr. Sparacino. They do not appear to be part of a current work and, more to the point, they were never receipted to me."