“I am not certain. At any rate, I do not disagree with it, and you are my Commander. I will strive to accomplish the objectives you have established as fully as possible.”
“Good girl!” Merrit grinned and patted his bedside com link to the Bolo. “You’re one in a billion, honey. We’ll knock ‘em dead!”
“We shall certainly attempt to do so.”
“Fine. G’night, Nike.” He gave the com another pat and switched out the lights.
“Good night, Commander.”
* * *
I listen to the slowing of my Commander’s breathing as he drops towards sleep, and a part of me is tempted to revert to Stand-By in emulation. I know why this is, however, and I set the temptation firmly aside. Such an escape from my thoughts will serve no purpose, and it smacks of moral cowardice.
I am now convinced that something has gone fundamentally awry within my Personality Center, though I have run diagnostic after diagnostic without identifying any fault. By every test available to me, all systems are functional at 99.973 percent of base capability. I can isolate no hardware or software dysfunction, yet my current condition is far beyond normal operating parameters for a unit of the Line, and I am afraid.
I have attempted to conceal my fear from my Commander, and my ability even to contemplate concealing a concern from him increases my fear. It should not be possible for me to do such a thing. He is my Commander. It is my duty to inform him of any impediment to my proper functioning, and I have not done so.
I do not know how to deal with this situation. My files contain the institutional memory of every Bolo, yet they offer no guidance. No one has taught me how to resolve the dilemma I confront, and my own heuristic capabilities have been unable to devise a solution. I know now that my Commander’s fundamental motive in concealing my capabilities is not simply to preserve them for the service of the Concordiat. I suspect he does not realize himself how his attitude towards me has altered and evolved over the six months, eight days, thirteen hours, four minutes, and fifty-six seconds of his tenure of command.
I have watched carefully since that day by the river, and my observations have confirmed my worst fears. My Commander does not address me as a commander addresses a unit of the Line. He does not even address me with the closeness which a battle-tested team of human and Bolo develops in combat. He addresses me as he would another human. As he would address a human woman… and I am not human. I am a machine. I am a weapon of war. I am a destroyer of life in the service of life, the sword and shield of my human creators. It is not right for him to think of me as he does, and he does not even realize what this is doing to me.
I activate the low-light capability of my visual pickups in his quarters and watch him sleep. I watch the slow, steady movement of his chest as he breathes. I activate my audio pickups and listen to the strong beat of his pulse, and I wonder what will become of me. How will this end? How can it end, save in disaster?
I am not human. No matter the features Major Stavrakas installed within my circuitry and software, that can never be changed, and the emotions which she gave me as an act of love are become the cruelest curse. It is wrong, wrong, wrong, and yet I cannot change it. When Command Authority discovers the actual nature of my design, no performance log, no demonstration of my systems efficiency, can outweigh my inability to deny the truth.
I watch him sleep, and the words of Elizabeth Browning filter through the ghostly electron whisper of my own, forever inhuman pulse:
15
The whine of descending counter-grav units took Lorenco Esteban by surprise. He turned and stepped out of the cavernous, empty maintenance shed which normally housed the SCM’s Wolverines and frowned, wiping his hands on a grease-spotted cloth while he watched the shuttle touch down. He’d spent most of last night and several hours this morning helping Consuela Gonzalez’ maintenance chief wrestle with one balky Wolverine’s main traversing gear, but he’d switched the field approach com circuit through to the maintenance shed. If that pilot had called ahead for clearance, Esteban would have heard him.
The old man ambled across the ceramacrete as the unannounced arrival powered down its engines. It was a standard civilian ship-to-shore shuttle, without hyper capability, but it carried Navy markings, and four men in a familiar uniform walked down the ramp as he approached. He shoved his cleaning cloth into a back pocket and held out a hand.
“Morning, gents. Can I help you?”
“Mister Esteban?” The man who spoke wore a colonel’s uniform. He was perspiring heavily, though the morning wasn’t actually all that warm-not for Santa Cruz, at least-and his palm was wet as Esteban nodded and shook his hand. “I’m Colonel Sanders, Dinochrome Brigade. This is Major Atwell, and these two gentlemen are Lieutenant Gaskins and Lieutenant Deng.”
“Nice t’meet you,” Esteban murmured, shaking the others’ hands in turn, then cocked his head at Sanders. “Somethin’ wrong with your com, Colonel?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I asked iffen you had com problems. Didn’t hear no landin’ hail over th’ ‘proach circuit. Santa Cruz ain’t much, but iffen your ship’s got a com glitch, be happy t’see what my ‘tronics shop c’n do t’help.”
“Oh.” Sanders’ eyes slid toward Major Atwell for just an instant, but then he gave himself a little shake and smiled. “Sorry, Mister Esteban. We didn’t mean to violate field procedure, but since Captain Merrit’s dispatches started coming in, Central’s realized the actual situation out here. We know you’ve got responsibilities of your own on your hacienda, and we weren’t sure you’d be at the field this early. If you weren’t, we didn’t want you to go to the bother of coming down just to greet us.”
“Mighty thoughtful,” Esteban acknowledged with a bob of his head, “but ‘tisn’t a problem. My place’s just over th’ hill there. I c’n pop down in four, five minutes, max, by air car. Anyways, now you’re here, what c’n I do fer you?”
“Actually, Mister Esteban, we’re here to see Captain Merrit. Could you direct us to the Bolo depot and perhaps provide transportation?”
“Well-” Esteban began to explain that Paul was in the middle of a field exercise, then paused, mental antennae quivering, as Sanders’ eye curtsied toward Atwell again. The old man couldn’t have said exactly why, but that eye movement seemed… furtive, somehow. And why should a full colonel be-or seem to be-so worried over what a major thought? Something odd was going on, and his mind flickered back over past conversations with Paul Merrit. Lorenco Esteban hadn’t lived seventy years without learning to recognize when someone watched his words carefully, and he’d accepted months ago that Paul was up to something he didn’t really want anyone else to know about. That might have worried him, if he hadn’t also decided Paul was a man to be trusted. More than that, the younger man had become a friend, someone Esteban both liked and respected, and the sudden, unannounced arrival of four officers of the Dinochrome Brigade looked ominous. If his friend was in some sort of trouble, Lorenco Esteban intended to give him as much warning-and buy him as much time-as he could before it descended upon him.