I am about to ask again, when the doorbell goes. Oh Christ. James. Si looks at me questioningly and I whisper that I’ll be back in a second. I go to the front door, feeling ridiculous for having to cancel again, but knowing that there’s no way on earth I will leave Si like this.
And James can see immediately that there’s something wrong.
‘I don’t bloody believe it,’ he sighs, visibly annoyed. ‘You’re cancelling me again, aren’t you?’ he says flatly, and I can see that this time he really is pissed off.
‘I’m so sorry, James, something has come up. I can’t explain now. I’ll have to explain later. Can I call you tomorrow?’
‘You know what, Cath?’ he says, and his voice is hard, and although I’d like to tell him why, I can’t, and I know that he’s upset, and this hardness is his way of covering it up, but if he gives me a second chance I will make certain he understands that it’s not him, that I am not trying to avoid him. I start to speak but he turns to go.
‘Just forget it. Let’s just forget it.’
‘James?’ I plead softly as he looks at the floor. ‘I am so, so sorry. I was so looking forward to this evening, and if there were any way I could go out with you, I would, but it’s going to have to wait. I’m not cancelling, James, I’m just postponing.’
‘How long,’ he finally sighs, looking up at me and forcing a smile, ‘do you suppose I will wait? Because I have to tell you, Cath, my patience has pretty much run out.’
‘I promise I’ll call you tomorrow,’ I say, and this time he does turn to leave, and I shut the door and go back into the living room, to Si.
Chapter twenty-five
I know this isn’t the time for recriminations, and I know that Si, above all else, needs support and understanding, but I’m in shock. I still can’t understand how Si, the Condom Queen, could have risked everything for Will. Especially because we’ve always laughed in the past when Si’s been told that people are fine – as Si has always said, ‘He would say that, wouldn’t he?’, and it has never stopped Si from practising safe sex.
‘I don’t understand,’ I keep saying. ‘How? Why?’ But having a test a year ago means that a year ago Will was negative, and evidently a lot can change in a year.
After a while Si calms down and starts to breathe normally, and soon he even makes a joke or two. I make tea, and I can see the warmth flow slowly back into his veins, and suddenly I think that we are being ridiculous. We are being overdramatic, we don’t know anything for sure, and surely we should not be making these assumptions. Not yet. Not when this life feels so normal.
And I feel the maternal Cath kick in. The Cath that wants to make everything better, the Cath who will right wrongs and soothe the furrowed brow. And it might be inappropriate, what I’m trying to say, but I so want this to be some horrible nightmare. I just want to wake up and for everything to be fine.
‘Si,’ I start, ‘I know this might sound crazy, but you couldn’t possibly have it. You’re as healthy as an ox, for starters, and so you slept with Will a handful of times without using anything, it doesn’t mean you’ve got it.
‘I remember reading an article about HIV,’ I continue, my words tripping over themselves in their hurry to be heard, ‘which said that it really isn’t that easy to catch. In fact, there was some study taken about partners of people with HIV who hadn’t known about it and were having unprotected sex, and all of them were fine.’
‘Cath,’ he says slowly, ‘I have no idea whether you’ll be able to understand this, but I’ve got it. I know I’m HIV positive.’
‘Si, that’s ridiculous. That’s you being overdramatic. You can’t possibly know that…’ And I tail off because of course there is then only one question left for me to ask. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Are you going to get tested?’
Si looks into his mug for a long time, and then looks back at me. ’Cath, this is something that I’ve thought about for years. All the time that Jake was ill I kept thinking about his courage and his bravery, and wondering what I would do if I were in the same position.
‘What would I do if my glands swelled up for no apparent reason and then refused to go down. What would I do if a cold refused to go away, sticking around until it got worse and worse. And I always thought that unless I absolutely had to, unless I had absolutely no other choice, I would live in blissful ignorance because I never thought I’d be able to handle the results.’
‘And now? How do you feel now?’ My voice is gentle, but I’m still trying to take this in.
‘Jake must have changed my attitudes far more than I had thought.’ He looks up at me and shrugs. ‘How could I not know? If I am positive, then the best thing I can do is to know now, to deal with it now, to take whatever drugs I might need. But you know what the worst thing is?’
I shake my head.
‘I’ve got to have the test, but there’s an incubation period of three months, and the last time we slept together was the beginning of October, only a month ago, so it might not even show. Then again, I suppose we did meet in July, so who knows, I might get lucky.’
‘Oh God, Si.’ I can feel my own tears welling up. ‘You can’t have it. Please say you haven’t got it.’
‘Cath,’ and he tries to smile. ‘It’s only a virus, for God’s sake. I’m going to go tomorrow.’
‘Can I come with you?’
‘That’s what I was going to ask. The only thing I’m pretty certain of right now is that I couldn’t handle getting the results on my own. I want you to come.’
‘Where will you go?’
He mentions the name of a GUM clinic at a local hospital. A clinic that specializes in testing for sexually transmitted diseases. A clinic that gives you the results within an hour, where you can remain anonymous, where even your GP doesn’t have to be told.
‘And you’re sure you can handle the results?’ I’m amazed that, once Si had got over the initial shakes and tears at the prospect of a positive result, he is now so calm. I keep waiting for something to happen, for the histrionics to start, because this is not the Si I know and love, this is an altogether calmer version, and I’m not entirely sure how to play him.
‘You know,’ Si says, looking up at me with a smile, a genuine smile, ‘I can’t believe how well I’m handling this.’
‘Jesus. Neither can I.’
‘You know, Cath, it doesn’t mean AIDS. Not necessarily. Not yet. People can go for years and years being absolutely fine. Now, with all these new drugs, these cocktails and combination therapies, they’re talking about twenty years, no problem, and who knows, by then they’ll probably have found a cure.’
‘Si.’ I shiver. ‘You’re spooking me. Stop talking as if you already have it.’
All of a sudden he looks lost again, like a little boy, and I put my arm around his shoulders and give him a squeeze.
‘I’m scared, Cath,’ he says. ‘I’m really, really scared, but if I have it, then we’ll just have to deal with it.’
We sit in silence for a while, and eventually I ask, ‘Have you made an appointment?’
‘I have to phone first thing in the morning. I’m just praying they’ll see me first thing, because the one thing I don’t think I can cope with is the wait. Once I know, then I can just get on with my life, but I have to know.’
‘Do you want to stay here tonight?’
‘I don’t know,’ he sighs. ‘I’m not sure whether I can handle being on my own, but on the other hand part of me wants to go back home, to climb into bed with the duvet over my head. I just don’t know.’
In the event Si doesn’t stay the night. He stays until midnight and we talk softly about the implications of being HIV positive, about what he might do, how he might tell people, how it will affect his life. And of course we talk about Jake, which is something we haven’t really talked about before now.