‘Speech, speech!’ Josh calls drunkenly, as Si shushes him with a benevolent smile.
‘Believe it or not,’ he says, as Paul runs back in with a tea-towel, ‘there is a reason for this little dinner.’
‘To drink fine wine and get pissed?’ Josh has, as he always does when drunk, regressed back to his student days, and Lucy puts a hand on his arm to silence him, because the atmosphere is now changed, and it is no longer appropriate for Josh to shout out anything.
‘I have an announcement to make, but first I want to say I’m absolutely thrilled that Max will have a little brother or sister, and the fact that such a lovely and unexpected announcement was made earlier this evening, makes what I’m about to tell you much easier.’
My heart starts pounding, and I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for Si. James reaches for my hand under the table, and I squeeze it hard, staring intently at Si’s face.
‘But I want you to know that it really isn’t a big deal. I mean, I thought it was, at first, obviously, but being diagnosed as HIV positive only means I have a virus, not that I’m going to die. Well, hopefully not yet, however much you might want to kill me at times.’
If you weren’t concentrating, you’d almost miss it, so casually does Si weave this into his sentence, but then I look at Josh, who, even in the candlelight, suddenly looks completely pale, and at Lucy, whose eyes are already brimming over as she stands up, knocking her chair over as she runs over to Si to give him a hug.
‘It’s okay, Lucy,’ Si murmurs into her hair, rubbing her back, then carefully letting her go.
‘The thing is, you’re basically my family, sorry, James, I know you’re the latest addition and you probably weren’t expecting to be drawn into a drama quite so soon.’ James smiles at Si and shrugs as if to say it doesn’t matter, and I love him for that. ‘But I need you all to know, and I need your support.
‘Lucy, Josh, you probably have things you want to ask me, and I’ve started going to a course for, well, for people like me, and one of the things I’ve learned is that it’s incredibly important to be absolutely honest with one another, so if there’s anything you want to ask me, well, now would be a good time…’
The questions come thick and fast. Mostly from Lucy, once she has recovered from her tears. How long did he have, had he been ill, how had he caught it, what did it mean, were there new treatments…
Si answers them quietly and patiently, and even I am impressed with the depth of knowledge he has acquired in so short a time, and it is only when he has said all that he has to say, that I realize Josh still hasn’t said a word.
‘Josh?’ Si speaks gently, as Josh raises his eyes, looking completely shell-shocked. Josh starts to say something, but then leaps to his feet, walks to the door and slams it behind him, without a word.
Lucy, stricken, apologizes for him, then runs after him, the door slamming behind her. The four of us who remain speak in hushed voices, concern for Si mingling with outrage at Josh, and fury.
It might be half an hour later. Or maybe an hour. But the doorbell rings and I open the door to find Josh standing there with Lucy. Both of them have swollen faces, and eyes puffy with crying, and they walk in wordlessly, Lucy coming to sit down with us, and Josh walking over to Si.
And I see something I never thought I’d see Josh do. He puts his arms around Si and starts to cry, and Si comforts him, patting his back and telling him it’s okay, as the rest of us suddenly decide to start the washing-up, walking quickly into the kitchen.
‘Is Josh okay?’ I whisper to Lucy, as James and Paul busy themselves putting more coffee on.
‘Shocked,’ Lucy says. ‘You know what Josh is like. He thinks HIV means AIDS, which he thinks, means death, and he just went into shock. I’ve been sitting out there for an hour trying to explain what it really means.’
‘Lucy, did you know?’ I don’t know what makes me ask this question.
She shrugs. ‘I guessed. Si hadn’t been his usual self, and I woke up one morning and just knew. Although I kept hoping I was wrong. But I knew something was wrong with you as well, and you stopped talking about Si for a while, but…’ She stops and sighs. ‘Not that it really matters now.’ She turns to me, her face filled with concern. ‘Is it going to be okay?’
And I stand in the kitchen, listening to James and Paul clattering about with coffee cups, looking at Lucy’s puffy face, turning so I can just see, through the doorway, Si and Josh sitting together on the sofa, talking softly, and I feel an incredible peace come over me. In the heart of – as Si would put it – my family of choice.
‘Do you know,’ I say, smiling, seeing Lucy’s face relax as she looks into my eyes, as I suddenly know what the answer is. ‘I really think it is.’
Jane Green
Jane Green lives in Connecticut and London with her husband and four children. She is the author of Straight Talking, Jemima J, Mr Maybe, Bookends, Babyville and Spellbound.
