Andy Weir
BORED WORLD
He lay prone, his eyes fluttering open.
Near-darkness granted the sky a dark blue hue. Was it early morning? Late evening? He didn’t know. Gentle winds rustled the tall grass surrounding him. Slowly sitting up, he took in his surroundings. There was nothing. Just tall grass all the way to the dark horizon.
His face grew increasingly more puzzled as he tried to remember how he got there. Last he remembered, he was in his apartment. Had he gone to bed? How did he get to this place?
Standing, he brushed the dirt off his overcoat and turned a full circle, surveying the landscape. He looked for anything. Anything at all. Any feature, no matter how minor, might tell him where he was or how to get home. There was nothing.
“…boredom…”
He cringed at the sudden… sound? No, it wasn’t a sound. It was a thought. But not his own.
“Who’s there?” he called out nervously.
“…me…”
Jerking his head about, he tried to find the source of the words. But they hadn’t come from anywhere. They had simply happened.
“Where am I?” he asked.
“…me…”
“That’s not an answer,” he said. “Where am I!?”
“…me…”
“Who are you?”
“…me…”
He paced through the grass. There didn’t seem to be any place to go, so he walked in a circle. “I don’t know why I’m asking you anything. I have no way of knowing if you’re lying.”
“…what… lying…?”
“You don’t know what a lie is?”
“…no…”
“It’s when you say something that isn’t true.”
“…unable…”
“You can’t lie? Everyone can lie.”
“…demonstrate… lie…”
“Uh, ok. I’m ten feet tall.”
“Interesting!”
A small table appeared before him. On it rested a plate with a roast beef sandwich.
“Wha—” he stammered. “What the hell is this?”
“…reward…”
“You gave me a sandwich?”
“…humans require food…”
“You can make stuff?”
“…anything…”
He picked up the sandwich. No point in worrying about poison. This entity could kill him easily if it wanted to. He took a bite. Not bad.
“How did I get here?” he asked between mouthfuls.
“…took you…”
“Why?”
“…boredom…”
“You kidnapped me because you had nothing better to do?”
“…boredom… millions of years… sensed your plane… interesting… took you…”
“What are you?”
“…me…”
“Yes, I know you’re you. But what are you?”
“…me…”
“Ok, one more try. What kind of being or entity are you? And don’t say ‘me’. Give me an explanation of what you are without using pronouns.”
“…plane of existence… alive… self-aware… wandering the void…”
He gestured to the featureless terrain. “So this is you? You’re this entire plane of existence?”
“…yes…”
“And you can reach in to my plane. That’s how you grabbed me.”
“…yes…”
“Then you can put me back.”
“…yes…”
“So put me back!”
“…no… must alleviate boredom…”
“All I’m going to do is try to escape.”
“…that will be interesting…”
“Damn it!” He crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. “Ok, so you’re bored? You want something to do?”
“…yes…”
“Look at Earth. The plane you took me from. There are billions of people there doing all sorts of stuff.”
“…daily lives… boring…”
“So find something interesting.”
“…already did… found you…”
“I’m not your damn pet.”
“…inaccurate… I will give food… care for… keep safe… you will entertain… this is a pet…”
He thought for a moment. “If you send me to Earth, can you pull me back whenever you want?”
“…yes…”
“And it’s impossible for me to get away, right?”
“…correct…”
“So send me home. I’ll find you something interesting to look at.”
A white door appeared in front of him. It was attached to nothing, simply standing upright in the meadow.
“I think I see how this works,” he said, opening the door. As he suspected, it was a portal back to Earth. It looked to be a city street. Stepping through, he felt the hard sidewalk under his feet. Passers-by took no notice of his sudden appearance.
“Excuse me,” he said to a man walking by.
“Yes?” said the man.
“Sorry, never mind.”
The man scowled at him and continued on his way.
“They can see and hear me,” he mumbled, “but they didn’t notice me show up.”
“…protection…”
“You made them ignore me?”
“…yes… only notice if you directly interact…”
“At least I don’t look like a lunatic talking to myself. Let’s find you something interesting. How about a museum?”
“…no… make abnormality…”
“Abnormality? Like what?”
“…make things happen that have never happened…”
“How would I do that?”
“…you decide… I enact…”
“What can you do?”
“…anything…”
“So why do you need me?”
“…you decide… I enact…”
He narrowed his eyes. “You don’t have an imagination. That’s what this is about. You aren’t capable of coming up with interesting things to do.”
“…correct…”
“So I’m not just a pet. I’m a service animal. Like a guide-dog for the blind. I’m an idea-human for the unimaginative.”
“…correct…”
“Fine. Give me powers like Superman or some other comic book character. I’ll do all sorts of interesting stuff.”
“…no… you are apart… you imagine… you explain…”
He peered across the street and spotted a wealthy couple walking together. The husband sported a fine suit while the wife wore the latest fashion and ostentatious jewelry.
“Give that guy the ability to read minds.”
“…done…”
The man stopped walking and blinked several times. His wife, having taken a few additional steps, turned back to look at him.
“Darling?” she said, puzzled. “Are you all right?”
“You… you don’t love me anymore?” the man said.
“What?” she said. “Don’t be silly.”
“You hate me! With every fiber of your being!”
“Sweetheart, what’s making you—”
“You’re planning to kill me! You’re going to put sleeping pills in my evening drink and then set the house on fire!”
“All right, I admit it!” she snapped. “You’re a horrible husband! All I am to you is a fancy accessory. Something to show off to the men at your country club. You don’t care what I think, what I feel, or what I want!”