As she watched him pack his toiletries and finish stuffing the rest of his items into his bag, she realized that she didn't want him to leave without knowing how she felt about him. Mostly, she didn't want to live with regrets of what she should have said and done before he exited her life. She was going to lay her heart and soul bare. She'd tell him the truth, let him know that she'd fallen in love with him, and maybe, hopefully, he'd allow her to love him in all the ways he needed and deserved.
"I guess that's it." He zipped up his duffel bag and reluctantly glanced at her. "I'll be on an assignment for the next few weeks, but if you need me for anything at all, you have my cell number."
God, she needed him already. Before she lost her courage, she stood up from the couch and rubbed her damp hands down the sides of her skirt. "Joel, before you go, there's something I need to tell you."
He looked at her warily, then apparently sensing her nervousness, his gaze narrowed with a please-don't-go-there warning. The kind that men gave women when they sensed an emotional conversation on the horizon, and in this case he'd be right.
"Okay," he said, but his unwillingness to hear what she had to say was very obvious in the tense set of his jaw and the way his hands had curled into fists at his side.
But at least he stayed, and she was grateful for even that much from him.
"I know this isn't something you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway." She swallowed to ease the sudden dryness in her mouth. "I'm in love with you, Joel."
He looked away from her and swore beneath his breath, the sound filled with frustration and a hint of anger. His adverse response was as effective as rebuffing every bit of intimacy they'd shared, and felt the equivalent of being shot straight through the heart, leaving her breathless and aching.
She really shouldn't have been surprised by his reaction, because she'd known better than to expect a declaration of undying love in return. But she knew that Joel cared for her. Knew there was something real and honest between them that could grow into so much more if he'd let it. And therein lay their problem-his inability to open up and let her in to all those places that had been empty for so long, he didn't know anything else.
"Look, I don't expect anything in return," she said, knowing that was a big, fat lie. "You made your position on relationships and being committed very clear to me, and I'm not asking for any of that. I just wanted you to know how I felt."
"Lora… I can't." His tone was as tortured as the look in his dark blue eyes. "I just can't do it."
She walked toward him, closing the distance between them, and placed a hand on his cheek. "That's where you're wrong, Joel. You could do it. If you really wanted to." She skimmed her fingers along his jaw before letting them fall away. "You're just so used to being on the outside looking in, to being the odd man out, that you don't know anything else."
A frown creased his brows. "What are you talking about?" he asked gruffly.
"I saw it tonight at your sister's gallery, Joel. I saw how you were with your brothers, how you kept yourself apart from them because it's just an instinctive thing for you and something you've done since your mother's death. But it doesn't have to be that way. At least not with me."
He didn't say anything, but the pain in his eyes spoke more than words ever could. He hated being on the outside, but it was all he'd ever known.
"Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there emotionally and take a chance," she suggested, then shook her head at the irony of that statement. "I can't believe I'm saying that to someone who claims to be a risk-taker, a man who is strong and fearless and risks his life to protect others, and would willingly put himself in the direct line of danger if a situation warrants it. It seems the one and only aspect of your life that you do play it safe with is your heart and your relationships."
His eyes flashed with irritation. "With good reason."
She smiled, knowing better. Possibly knowing him better than he knew himself. "So you keep saying, but I've yet to find a reason that you can't work through, if you really wanted to."
He stared at her for a long, hard moment, then picked up his duffel bag, effectively putting an end to a conversation he didn't want to hear or face. "I need to go."
"I know," she said softly, and didn't say anything more as he turned around and headed toward the front door. He walked out without looking back, and she let him go, even though it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do.
With a sigh that seemed to unravel her from the inside out, she sat back down on the couch, already feeling the quiet and solitude of her apartment closing in on her. Yeah, she had her life back, but it sure didn't amount to much without Joel in it.
Chapter Nineteen
SYDNEY stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, not sure that she even recognized the woman staring back at her anymore. Sure, she was very familiar with those green eyes-though currently red and puffy from a crying jag, and lined by dark circles due to her sleepless nights-and auburn curls, and even that voluptuous body that she saw on a daily basis and had been using to her advantage for years now, but she was referring to the person inside the body. And for the past few days since Daniel had walked out of her life, she'd spent a whole lot of time wondering how in the world she'd gotten to this point in her life… and, more shocking, she wasn't sure she liked who and what she'd become.
Oh, she knew that her past circumstances had molded her into someone driven, yet cautious when it came to relationships. Not to mention jaded and untrusting of men and their motives. Thanks to Tim Carson, it had become an instinctive part of her personality, as well as her way of protecting her heart and emotions and never allowing anyone to ever use her again for their own personal gain.
For years she'd been the one in control when it came to men and relationships. She called the shots. She took what she wanted and walked away when she'd had enough. For her and the guys she'd chosen to date, it had always been about having a good time and uncomplicated sex.
Until Daniel. He was the one man who'd ever wanted more than just sex from her, and it had scared the crap out of her. So did the emotions and feelings he'd stirred within her that were so foreign to her woman's heart. The wanting. The yearning. The need to let him be a part of her life beyond that physical attraction.
She drew in a shaky breath and swiped at the fresh batch of tears surging to the surface. She'd spent a whole lot of time thinking about everything Daniel had said to her, and now she tried to see herself from his perspective, beyond her looks, her ample curves, and all that superficial crap she'd hidden behind for much too long. And what she saw was a woman who wished she had someone to share her burdens with, beyond Lora. A woman who craved stability, the comfort of a man's embrace, and a shoulder to lean on during those rough times. But mostly what she saw was a woman who ached to be loved unconditionally.
Daniel had offered her all those things, and she'd pushed him away because she was too scared to believe someone like him, someone so honest and caring and a man who treated her with respect, could be for real. When he said he didn't care about her past, she'd desperately wanted to believe him. When he'd told her that it was okay to let him love her because he wasn't going to disappoint her like so many had in her past, instead of trusting him, she'd pushed him away out of fear.
And now, she was alone, and for the first time in her life, her heart hurt. And that brash and bold woman who used her body, and sex, to her advantage, no longer appealed to her.
It was a hard realization to face. Harder still to think about how her actions and feelings about men might have affected Cassie and her chance at a solid relationship with a man someday.