“Where’s Lionel?” Father Tom asks.
“Sleeping it off.”
Father Tom pulls the cap down over his ears. The ringing in the left is worse. “What’s the best I can hope for?”
“That we’ve been wrong all along, and there’s no afterlife.”
“That’s absurd.”
“That way you won’t know you’re dead. And in hell.”
“You have no right to judge me.”
“Who would want to live forever anyway? We’d be so bored we’d kill ourselves.”
Mr. Markey leads Father Tom to the street. Mr. Hanratty spears his shovel into the snow. All Father Tom can see out of his squinted eyes are the slanting sheets of blowing flakes, the snowy hummocks of buried cars, and the indistinct façades of houses. He hears what might be the distant drone of heavy machinery or the blood coursing through his head. Mr. Markey and Mr. Hanratty stand to either side of him and lock their arms in his. Heads bowed into the wind, they begin their trudge down I Street.
“Where are you taking me?”
Mr. Markey says, “We thought you might need help.”
“I have hope.” Hope is the last emotion to leave us, Father Tom thinks. He sees the lyre player on her rock and speculates that you don’t hope for something, do you? You just hope. To wait is to hope. Hope is a rebuke to the cold and starless sky. Iam, it says. I will be. Father Tom sees movement to his right and makes out a bundled and hooded figure sweeping snow from a porch.
Mr. Markey leans his face to Father Tom’s ear and says, “Not hope! Help!” The figure on the porch stops, regards the three lumbering gentlemen, turns, and goes into the house. And then Mr. Markey adds, “Sometimes a message must be sent,” but what Father Tom hears is “Sometimes a messy, musky scent,” and he wonders why this man is speaking in riddles. Mr. Markey tells Mr. Hanratty how we all have our burden to carry, and he points to Father Tom and says, “And this is the cross-eyed bear.” Why would they call him that? Father Tom wonders.
When they reach Gleason’s Market, Father Tom knows the rectory is around the block, and he’s relieved to see that they’re taking him back. They had him rattled earlier with that talk of no afterlife and all. But what else could they do, really? Soon he’ll be sipping Mrs. Walsh’s potato and barley soup after a hot bath, and then he’ll go to his room and read and look out on this magnificent storm. Maybe he’ll read right through his Graham Greene novels like he did the winter he was laid up with the broken leg. He sees a light on in the rectory kitchen, or at least he thinks he does. With all this bone-white snow in the air, it’s not like you can actually look at anything. You look through the white. It’s like peering at the world through linen. But then the light goes off, or was never on, and he thinks of the tricks your eyes can pull on you, like when you stare at the sky and the clouds seem to race up and away from you. No, the light is still on. He turns to Mr. Markey and says, “Everything’s all right then?”
“Copacetic, Father.” Mr. Markey looks at Father Tom’s florid and swollen face, at his tiny blue eye, fixed in baggy lids like a turquoise bead on a leather pouch. A ragged little thin-lipped cyclops.
They walk past the rectory and follow a path that Mr. O’Toole has evidently plowed between the garage and the school. Father Tom looks up at the fourth-grade classroom and sees his nine-year-old self in the window by the pencil sharpener, nose pressed against the glass, looking down at him. When he peers out the window, Tom sees a battered old drunk being helped home by two friends, and he would like to know whose grandfather this is, but Sister calls him back to his seat for the spelling bee. Father Tom thinks now that he remembers that stormy morning when this ungainly procession passed below the window as he watched, but the old man could not have been him. A person can’t be in two places at the same time. And then Monsignor McDermott is standing in the window. Father Tom would like to wave hello, but the men have his arms. The monsignor blows his nose and wipes it and then tucks his hanky up the sleeve of his cassock. Father Tom struggles to free the arm, and his escorts release him. He waves, but to an empty window. He considers screaming but doubts his voice would carry in the muffled stillness of the snow. And if it did? He lifts his arms, and the gentlemen lock theirs in his and walk.
“That’s better,” Mr. Markey says.
When they head up an alley and away from the rectory, Father Tom asks Mr. Markey, “Who do you think you are?”
“Nobody.”
“You’re somebody.”
“Am I?”
“And I think I know you.”
Father Tom is warm under this snowy blanket and would like to take off his jacket. He feels the icy snow whipping at his face and sees a pearl-handled straight razor lying on a bloom of crimson snow by his groin. He’s on his back. His legs are buried beneath the drift. How long has he lain here? He gurgles, coughs, tastes blood in his mouth. He’d been dreaming of falling through a starless purple sky away from the vision of Christ when he realized he was tumbling toward the infernal abyss, and he screamed himself awake, thank God. His left arm is bent at the elbow and points to heaven. He tells the arm to move, but nothing happens. He might as well be telling someone else’s arm to move. He remembers long ago lying helplessly in Lionel’s bed with the dozing boy and trying to will him to turn, to rest his head on his, Father Tom’s, chest and his slender arm on Father’s waist. And later when Lionel whimpered and opened his teary eyes, Father Tom held him and said, “You’ve had a bad dream, Train, that’s all. Don’t cry, baby, don’t cry. Don’t cry.”
But if he did not, in fact, scream himself awake moments ago, and if this is, indeed, hell, this frozen drift of blood and guilt, then Father Tom is happy to know that at least they don’t take your memories away, which makes sense, because without a past you don’t exist, and there can be no hell for you. He knows that his memories of love and affection will comfort and sustain him for eternity. And then he sees Mr. Markey and Mr. Hanratty standing over him. But when Mr. Hanratty pulls back his balaclava, Father Tom sees that it’s Gerard, and he’s with Jesus and not with Mr. Markey, and Jesus has His arm draped over Gerard’s shoulders. Jesus waves at Father Tom and says, “So long, small fry!” They shake their heads and turn away.
“Stop, please!” Father Tom says, or thinks he says. And then he watches them somehow as they walk back in the direction of St. Cormac’s, watches Jesus whisper into Gerard’s ear, and the two of them turn again to glance back at him, but all they see is a black smudge in a white world that looks otherwise unsullied.
PART III. VEILS OF DECEIT
THE ORIENTAL HAIR POETS
BY DON LEE
Cambridge
This was her, he figured. The poet. That was the first thing Marcella Ahn had said on the phone, that she was a poet. She was, in fact, the über-image of a poet, straight black hair hanging to her lower back, midnight-blue velvet pants, lace-up black boots, flouncy white Victorian blouse cinched by a thick leather belt. She was pretty in a severe way, too much makeup, lots of foundation and powder, deep claret lipstick, early thirties, maybe. Not his type. She stumbled through Café Pamplona’s small door and, spotting Toua, clomped to his table.
“Am I late? Sorry. I’m not quite awake. It’s a little early in the day for me.” It was 1:30 in the afternoon.
She ordered a double espresso and gathered her hair, the ruffled cuffs of her blouse dropping away, followed by the jangling cascade of two dozen silver bracelets on each wrist. With exquisitely lacquered fingers, silver rings on nearly every digit, she raked her hair over her shoulder and laid it over her left breast.