“Only if the machine gun works,” Anne said. “What if I’m fighting a construct, or someone with a life shield? Anyway, you have a bunch of guns and you still end up hitting people.”
“My guns are a lot less versatile than your magic, but I get your point. Okay. Figure out the two or three things that you most want to focus on, and we’ll work from there. What made you start thinking about this now?”
“I suppose I just don’t like feeling useless.”
I laughed. “You think you’re useless? You’ve got more raw power than any of us, except maybe Vari.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Haven’t you noticed how every time we get into a fight, anyone who knows you’re there and knows what you can do goes for you first? It’s not me or Luna or Vari they’re scared of, it’s you. You’re the most dangerous out of us by a long way.”
“Oh,” Anne said. “Okay.” She paused. “Then why did you trick me and leave me behind when you went back to London to fight Levistus’s men two months ago?”
Oh. That went very quickly from good to bad. “Ah . . .” I said. “I was sort of hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
Anne just looked at me.
“Right.” I tried to think of an argument and couldn’t. For being a diviner, I’d sure managed to walk into a lot of traps in the past twenty-four hours.
“Well?”
“Um,” I said. “I was trying to keep you safe.”
“You were going into a fight.”
“Yes.”
“Didn’t you just say that I was the most dangerous out of us?”
I felt cornered. “Yes . . .”
“Then why?”
I let out a breath. “Because I wasn’t going in there expecting to win.”
“I would have come,” Anne said. “Vari would have come. Maybe with us both—”
“No,” I said. “This was Levistus’s A-team we were going up against. He could have kept throwing in bodies until he buried us under them. We’ve always known this, right from the start. If we go up against the Council directly, there’s only one way it’s going to end.”
“But you didn’t say any of that,” Anne said. “You lied to me.”
“Technically I didn’t actually . . .”
Anne looked at me.
“Okay, fine,” I said. “Yes, I did, because I knew you wouldn’t let me go if you knew. I didn’t want you to die and I didn’t want Luna to die and that was the only way I could think of to keep you both alive.”
“Why does that matter to you so much?”
“Why wouldn’t it?”
“I’m not saying it shouldn’t,” Anne said. “But there’s trust, and then there’s ‘take a bullet for someone.’”
“You’ve all put yourself in danger for me more than once.”
“Yes,” Anne said. “Because we’re a team. We protect each other.”
“I know, but . . .” I ran a hand through my hair. “Look, all of this stuff with Richard and Levistus, it all comes back to me. If it hadn’t been for me, none of you would have ever heard of them, and if you had, it’d be as names in the paper that you never expected to meet. I’m the reason that all this crap is happening.”
“We know about you and Richard,” Anne said. “We’re on board with it.”
“Seem to remember you were a little later about doing that than the others.”
Anne gave me a look.
“Okay, okay,” I said. “Sorry.”
“Did you think about what would happen afterwards?” Anne said.
“You mean after I was . . .”
“Yes.”
“Not very much,” I admitted. “I guess I figured I was allowed to slack off a little on that one seeing as how I wasn’t going to be around to do anything about it.”
“Luna and Vari and I would still have had enemies,” Anne said. “Except that you wouldn’t have been around to help.”
“I think you could have made it.”
“I didn’t mean the physical side.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“You saw how Luna was last month,” Anne said. “That was just because she thought you’d been forced into being Morden’s aide. How do you think she would have dealt with it if she found out you’d died because of her?”
I stopped. “Oh.”
Anne looked at me, waiting for an answer.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“And what about me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you know how many people I’ve known over my life who’ve had something happen to them?” Anne said. “Dead, or worse? Luna’s got a curse on her. But before I met her, I was starting to think that maybe I was the one with the curse. Literally everything good that’s happened in my and Vari’s lives over the past three years has been connected to you and Luna. Do you know what it’d feel like if it ended with you committing suicide?”
“At least you’d be alive.”
“But it wouldn’t have been our choice,” Anne said. “If you’d gone through with your plan, you’d have taken that away.”
I sighed. “I know.”
“Then why did you do it?”
I sat in silence for a few seconds before answering that one. The wind blew across the hillside, and it was cold on my bare arms, but I didn’t reach for my jumper. “Because everyone’s got their limits,” I said at last. “The one thing they just won’t do.”
“So what’s yours?”
I shrugged. “Loyalty, I suppose. I don’t have many friends. I won’t do anything that feels like betraying that.”
“No matter what?”
I nodded.
Anne sat there, looking at me. “So . . . what if the same thing happens again?” she asked. “To me, or Luna, or Vari? Would you do the same?”
I thought briefly about dodging the question. But there was no point, not really, and the last time I’d made a promise to Anne that I couldn’t keep, it hadn’t turned out well. “Yes,” I said. “I know that’s not what you want to hear. But . . .” I shrugged again. “Sorry.”
Anne was quiet. I thought for a moment she was going to say more, but she didn’t. We sat there for a while, watching the sun and the shadows, until at last we rose to pick up our things and turn for home.
| | | | | | | | |
We’d just crested the hillside up above my house, about to go down the slope to the bridge, when something in the futures caught my eye. I signalled to Anne and she stopped, instantly on guard. “What’s wrong?” she said, her eyes flicking across the valley.
“Hold still.”
Anne stood still and silent. I looked ahead, following the future in which I walked down the slope, over the bridge, along the path and through the gate towards the—
A green flash, one moment of searing pain, then darkness. I snapped back to the present, shuddering slightly. Feeling yourself die is an experience you never get completely used to. “We’ve got trouble.”
“Someone’s waiting for us?”
I nodded. “They’re not going to be firing warning shots either.”
“Let me guess,” Anne said. “Those two Light mages?”
“I wish,” I said. Light mages are bad, but at least they’re predictable. “Rachel.”
Anne frowned. “But you haven’t seen her—”
“For months, yeah. Apparently she missed me.” I raised my eyebrows. “Suppose I should count my blessings. It’s a lot easier to spot her out here.”
“Wonderful,” Anne sighed. “Are we running?”
I hesitated. It was definitely the sensible choice. Rachel is both fast and deadly, and even with Anne at my side, I didn’t like our chances if it came to a fight. Anne can heal a lot of things, but being turned into a pile of dust isn’t one of them.
But I also remembered what Shireen had told me. If I needed to get Rachel on my side, then sooner or later I was going to have to talk to her, and this was the best chance I’d had in a long time. Gating away might keep us safe, but not forever . . . and one of the things I’d been learning the hard way this year was that running away wasn’t always enough. Besides, it wasn’t just Shireen. There was also the deal I’d struck with Cinder.