She misses their walks together most of all. He would take her hand in his as they walked, lost in plans about the day they would leave Klaipeda.
They used to walk to the edge of town, just as she and Vladi do now. Then they would turn round to look back at the town, really take in what it looked like. Dad often sang for her, songs he had learnt as a child, which she had never heard anyone else sing. Their heads would be filled with longing. That was what they did; they longed together.
This flat. Too small, too crowded! Always someone underfoot. Always someone.
She remembers last night, the two men who came to the cafй. She had never seen them before. They shook hands with Vladi and they seemed nice.
Her Vladi, who has been her friend for ever, who had been next to her on the sofa when the military police burst in, shouting Zatknis! and pinning Dad to the floor.
The two men smiled at her and chatted while they ordered coffees and sandwiches. They spoke Russian, but one of them, the older man, didn’t look Russian, more like people from Sweden or Denmark.
They had stayed for quite a long time. She refilled their cups twice. Then Vladi had left and she talked to them for a bit. They wanted to know what she was called and how long she had worked in the cafй and how much she earned. They seemed interested, nice and polite, not slimy at all. They didn’t try anything on, didn’t flirt, nothing like that. She sat down at their table later. She wasn’t allowed to, but the place was almost empty right then and there was nothing much to do.
They talked about a lot of things. She enjoyed the talk, she really did. It was weird, she thought, to be with men who were so pleasant and easy. She laughed a lot and that was new too. There wasn’t much laughter at home.
They came back.
Late today, just as she was getting ready to close, they both came back.
She knows now that their names are Dimitri and Bengt. Dimitri comes from Vilnius and Bengt is from Sweden. Bengt is a policeman, in Klaipeda to work on an investigation.
They seem to know each other well. They met many years ago. Although she isn’t sure, she guesses that Dimitri must be part of the Lithuanian police force.
They were just as nice to her and asked again about her job. They seemed shocked when she told them what she earns waitressing at the cafй. Bengt told her what she could earn in Sweden for doing just the same thing. It is almost twenty times as much. Every month. It seems incredible, but they insisted. Twenty times as much!
She told them about her dreams. Told them about the small, cramped flat that is her home, about her walks with Vladi, about wanting to leave Klaipeda, which somehow doesn’t offer her enough any more.
They ordered more sandwiches and invited her to sit down at their table.
They talked and laughed, which was lovely. Laughter clears the air.
They come back for the third day running.
She almost expects them now and before they order she has laid their table for coffee and sandwiches.
Yesterday they offered to help her, said that they could fix the paperwork, work permits and that kind of thing, if she was keen to work in Sweden. Just imagine, getting twenty times what she could earn here.
She laughed and told them it was crazy, she couldn’t.
Today she brings the subject up herself, asks them what has to be done.
She needs a passport, but one which says she is older than she is. They can arrange it. It will cost a fair bit, of course, but they’re happy to lend her the money until she gets paid in Sweden.
They have actually done this for other Lithuanian girls. When she asks who they are, they give her some names, but Lydia doesn’t recognise them.
They tell her that they have a female contact in Sweden who makes the girls feel really welcome.
She says the coffee is on her and they sit about for quite a while.
She mustn’t make up her mind until she’s quite, quite sure, they tell her. It’s important that she thinks about it. If she really wants to stop just dreaming about other places and break free, she has to let them know soon. The next ferry, which they’re travelling on themselves, leaves two days from now, and they assure her they can fix the passport in time.
It’s warm when she gets to the harbour. The pouring rain has stopped, the sun is shining and there is hardly any wind. Vladi holds her hand and says he’s happy for her. Her things are packed in one suitcase, mostly clothes and as many toiletries as she dared to take. A handful of photographs, her diary.
She hasn’t told anyone. Mum wouldn’t understand. She doesn’t long to get away.
But she will phone as soon as she gets there. From her new workplace. She will tell them how much she is earning and how much money she will send home every month. Then Mum will realise what it’s all about. Her new, different life.
They agreed to meet at the entrance to the ferry terminal.
She spots them easily. Dimitri, the dark-haired one, is wearing a grey suit. Bengt has got almost blond hair and is a little shorter than Dimitri. His eyes are so kind. He gives Vladi an envelope. Vladi looks very pleased, but doesn’t meet her eyes afterwards, just gives her a hug and hurries away. A young woman, about her own age, comes and joins them. She has dark hair and looks pretty and friendly.
They say hello and introduce themselves. Her name is Alena. She too has brought just one suitcase and also has a false passport.
The ferry is so impressive. Lydia has never been on board such a large ship. Quite a few of the other passengers are Swedish, some are Lithuanian and some she can’t place. She smiles as she steps on board and leaves her past behind.
She and Alena share a cabin.
They get on really well. Alena is easy to make friends with; she’s the sort who seems to invite you in, curious and eager to listen. She laughs a lot and it’s easy to laugh with her. Lydia has a special feeling all over, now that she’s on her way.
Soon it will be time to go for a meal.
First, they have to go up to meet Bengt and Dimitri in their cabin, which is just upstairs. Then they will go to the dining room, all four of them together.
They knock on the door to the cabin.
They wait. Just a little while.
Bengt opens the door with a smile, and gestures with his hand to invite them in. They exchange glances and feel a little shy. Stepping inside the men’s cabin doesn’t feel quite right.
Then everything falls apart.
One single breath.
That’s all it takes.
The two men raise their hands and slap them hard in the face.
They keep hitting until the girls collapse.
They tear at their best frocks, rip the fabric to pieces and push balls of cloth into the girls’ mouths.
They force open their legs and push deep inside them.
Lydia will never forget the sound of his panting in her face.
That night she doesn’t sleep. She lies in her bed clutching a pillow.
They shouted at her. They hit her. They held the cold metal of a gun’s muzzle to her head and told her that she could choose now to shut up or die.
She cannot grasp what has happened.
All she wants is to go home.
Alena is lying in the lower bunk. She doesn’t cry quite so much. She says nothing, makes hardly any noise at all.
Lydia looks at her case. It’s on the floor, next to the basin. The case she packed without telling anyone. She left home less than twenty-four hours ago.
She hears the noise of the waves hitting the ship’s metal sides. She hears it through the window, which can be opened, but is too small to climb out through.
The journey ends in the morning.
She is still in bed.
She hasn’t dared to move.
She tries to ignore them when they bang on the cabin door and shout that it’s time to leave, they have to go ashore.