Fr: Dolly Vargas <dolly.vargas@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Kate
Well, darling, it’s all settled. She’s coming over tonight. I feel positivelygiddy with self-congratulation at how easily I managed it. The girl is simplydesperate for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I guess a month in someone’s living room can do that to a person.
So tell me the truth—you owe me that much, because you know it isn’t every day I open my doors to a human resources representative, even if sheis a perfect treasure, with her “you all’s” and “fixin’ some suppers”—are you in love with her? Because I understand you only just met her, so maybe things are moving a little fast, even for me.
On the other hand, I perfectly understand the attraction. There’s nothing a big hulking man like you finds harder to resist than little damsels in distress like our own Mayberry miss. Speaking of hulking . . . You’ve been working out, haven’t you, sweetie? Don’t try denying it. Are you still on that paraplegic basketball team, or whatever it is? The one where you pretend like you’re in a wheelchair and play ball with all of those boys who reallyare in wheelchairs? Well, let me just say, it’s working, you’ve got some real upper-body definition going on under that Tweety Bird tie or whatever it was you had on. I wish you’d ask Peter to join your little team, or whatever it is. He needs a hobby, poor thing.
And God knows, he could use the workout.
God! This is so FUN! Promise you won’t break her heart, though. Because that would be a real buzz kill. Kind of like when Peter brings his kiddies over.
Oh, God, I’ve got the Prada show. Ciao for now.
XXXOOO
Dolly
To: Dolly Vargas <dolly.vargas@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Mitch Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Re: Kate
There is no licentious motive behind my request that you offer Ms. Mackenzie a place to stay. She merely seems like a person who needs a helping hand . . . andwhose hands are more competent thanyours, Dolly?
Thanks again.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>
Re: Amy
Just what are you trying to do, anyway? You had no right to go to Amy’s office today and attempt to intimidate her like that. She is a sweet young woman, not one of those hardened criminals you’re used to dealing with. She will schedule an appointment with you for pretrial discovery when I say she can . . . and that will be when she is good and ready to, and not before.
And what is this letter you keep going on about? Amy keeps impeccable records, so whatever this letter is you keep nagging her about, I’m certain it’s in that pie lady’s file.
God, you are SUCH an asshole. I really thought Stacy might have been able to get through to you, but I see now that you’re too far gone.
Which is a pity. You had real potential.
But now I know you’re just as depraved as those pimps and murderers you helped put back out on the street.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Re: Amy
That’s funny. I thoughtyou were the depraved one. After all, aren’t you the one who made your fiancée fire a woman, merely because she wouldn’t give you a piece of pie?
Ms. Jenkins seems to be somewhat nervous concerning her case against Mrs. Lopez. I understand that while a verbal warning was issued, a written letter of warning, however, was not. I believe that, according to her collective bargaining agreement, the delivery—and acknowledgment—of such a letter is necessary before steps toward permanent dismissal can be taken.
But Mrs. Lopez says she never received such a letter. Strange, isn’t it, that she was fired anyway?
And not to spoil your illusions, sporto, but your “sweet young girl” can fight her own battles. She has a mouth on her like a longshoreman. She actually called me a fucker, if memory serves. . . . Oh, and wait, it does, since I taped our brief but oh-so-illuminating conversation in her office.
Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if I played this tape for Mom? Oh, yeah! I’m going to give Mom a call right now!
Love ya
Mitch
aka The Fucker
Hello, you’ve reached the Hertzog residence. Margaret and Arthur can’t come to the phone just now. Please leave a message, and one of us will be happy to get back to you.
(Tone)
Mom? Hi, it’s Stuart. Listen, I just want to say . . . Well, Mitch says he’s going to call you, and I just want to make sure you know, before he does, that the tape he says he’s going to play for you . . . Well, it’s fake. It’s a fake, and—
(Click)
“Hello?”
“Mom?”
“No. It’s Sean. Is that you, Stuart?”
“Yeah. Janice, let me talk to Mom.”
“Mom’s not here. And I’ve asked you before. Don’t call me Janice. It’s Sean.”
“Okay, Sean, whatever. Just tell Mom when she gets home—“
“Hey, is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“About that Amy girl.”
“You mean that I’m marrying her? Yeah, it’s true. And I hope, Janice, that you’ll join us on our special day—“
“No. I mean about her calling Mitch a fuckhead.”
“Janice. Is the answering machine still recording?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Hang up the phone, Janice.”
“The name is Sean, I
told
you.”
(Click)
To: Jen Sadler <sleaterkinneyfan@freemail.com>
Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>
Re: Paradise
Hey. It’s me. I’m e-mailing you, and on a WEEKEND. That’s because I’m e-mailing you from Dolly’s laptop at her place, and she has DSL. Oh my God, you guys would DIE if you saw this place. Dolly lives in a penthouse, overlooking the East River. You can see BOATS going by. BOATS.
And that’s not all. She’s got THREE bathrooms—THREE—and three bedrooms, each the size of your living room, and a living room the size of your whole apartment, and a terrace—aterrace —the size of your building’s roof. This place is SO NICE.
I mean, not that your place isn’t nice. Because it totally is. Your place is nice and comfy and lived in. I mean, seriously, that beanbag chair is way comfier than any of the chairs Dolly has.
But the cool thing about Dolly’s place is that, you know. I’m not in anybody’s way. Not even Dolly’s. Because she’s never even here.
Well, I mean, she’s here now. I can hear her shower running. But I don’t know what time she came rolling in. She went to some big party last night. She wanted me to come, too, but I have to admit, I was kind of more interested in her TV. Jen, she’s got a 50-inch plasma screen with HD and three hundred channels! And that’s just in the living room! In my room, there’s a 36-incher, and even though it isn’t HD, it’s still flat-screen. I found channels on it I’d never even HEARD of.
I know what you’re probably saying. That I should have gone to the party with Dolly. I mean, she even offered to let me borrow her clothes. She had a leather halter top all laid out for me. Just like the kind Alyssa Milano wears.