Sweetheart, I have done everything I can to prevent it, but the fact is, I simply can’t get you out of a pretrial discovery conference with Mitch. He is insisting that it be sometime this week, and so I thought tomorrow would be best. . . . That way we can get it over with. And you don’t have to worry, because I’ll be right by your side the whole time.
He wants Kate Mackenzie there, as well. God knows why. I’ve given up trying to second-guess my brother. He is, not to put too fine a point on it, a freak of nature. If it were not for the fact that I remember our mother being pregnant with him, I would suspect he was adopted. I promise you none of the other Hertzogs are like Mitch.
Well, except for possibly my sister Janice. But she’s young enough that hopefully any defects in her character can still be cured.
But like I said, he is a fine, fine lawyer. Remember, I love you, and would never let anyone or anything hurt you.
After the depo, I’ll take you to lunch, anywhere you want to go.
All my love,
Stuart
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Trust Games
Told you we’d trounce those losers.
J
To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Trust Games
Yeah, but, Jen, we’ve known each other since college. The Reception staff turns over every six months. Did you really think they were going to have their house up faster, or that it would be more secure than ours?
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Trust Games
Come on! They’re younger than we are! And we kicked their asses! Even when Amy came by and tied that scarf around your head, we STILL beat them. With one of our team members BLIND!
And what about the Budget staff? Some of them have worked together for YEARS, and we still beat them. WE RULE!!!
J
To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Trust Games
I’d forgotten about this competitive side of yours. It’s been a while since we played Scrabble, I guess. It isn’t really a very attractive trait, Jen.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Trust Games
Who cares? WE WON!!!!! I am telling you, it is only a matter of time until we take over this place, you and me. It’ll be Kate and Jen’s Free Therapy Clinic in no time! Just you wait and see!
J
To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Trust Games
Um, yeah, okay, CALIGULA.
I just got a call from Amy. She wants me in her office STAT. She actually said that. What does she think this is, anyway, an emergency room? Is she defibrillating a heart in there, or just filing people’s 1099s?
I hope we open up Kate and Jen’s Free Therapy Clinic soon.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Amy Jenkins <amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Tomorrow
To review what we just discussed, tomorrow morning you and I will appear at 9 a.m. in the offices of Hertzog Webber and Doyle to be further deposed in the matter of Lopez vs. theNew York Journal. You will be dressed in a professional manner. You will answer all questions put to you in a truthful manner. You will not, however, say anything that could be construed as not reflecting positively on your employer.
This is a serious matter, Kate, and I am counting on you to handle it in that way, and not allow whatever personal feelings you might have for the employee involved to cloud your better judgment.
Amy
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Sean <psychodramabeautyqueen@freemail.com>
Re: Mom
Look, I’m sorry I interrupted your important business lunch or whatever it was, but seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. She is a FREAK, all right? A FREAK.
Guess what she did NOW. Go on. Guess. I go to the mall for one frigging hour to see if they have the newX-Men comic in, and what does she do? WHAT DOES SHE DO?
She sprays everything in my room with that drug-detecting spray.
I am not even kidding. You know that spray you can buy on TV for like $19.95 or whatever? That spray that turns a color if there’s drug residue on whatever object you’re spraying?
Well, she sprayed that shit ALL OVER my room.
And OF COURSE I don’t do drugs—at least, not at HOME, I’m not a MORON—so OF COURSE the shit didn’t turn a color.
But guess what? EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM IS STICKY. Seriously. It’s like Stacy’s freaking twins have been here. I mean, even my LEATHER JACKET is sticky! The leather jacket I had to save for MONTHS to buy, because you know Mom won’t let me go near the money Gramps left me. I mean, I had to work the graveyard shift in the quad store for that jacket.
And now it’s like one of those adhesive fly strips. I’m not kidding. There was actually a moth stuck to it already by the time I got home.
I confronted Mom about it, and she says—get this—STUART told her to do it. STUART. Mr. Just Say No himself.
I can’t stand it here anymore, Mitch. I think there’s a very good chance I might go completely mental and take her goddamn Madame Alexander doll collection and put it out with the rest of the garbage where it BELONGS!!!!
Or do you think I’m overreacting? But think about it, Mitch: My UNDERWEAR is sticky. And not because I’ve been having any fun in them!!!!
Sean
To: Sean <psychodramabeautyqueen@freemail.com>
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Re: Mom
Thanks for those last couple of lines about your underwear. That’s really something every guy wants to know about his little sister. Not.
Look, I told you, you’re welcome to stay with me anytime you want. But keep in mind the only way you’re going to convince Mom and Dad that you’re all right to go back to college is if you play it their way for a few months. If you cool it on the hair dye and the diatribes at the dinner table against gross materialism, you should have them eating out of your hand by the time apps for fall semester come rolling around.