I know! Witches! Helping people!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Totally helping people. And killing demons at the same time. In halter tops.
Katydid:
I wasn’t mean to him, was I? When I called him back?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh, would you get over it? Who takes relationships one day at a time? I mean after TEN YEARS, three of which you lived together, for crying out loud.
Katydid:
WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM FOR SO LONG????? I’m such a loser.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
You are not a loser. You know who’s a loser? The T.O.D. Did you see what she has on?
Katydid:
Oh my God, I know. The same thing she was wearing yesterday.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
The T.O.D. got some! Did you see that hickey on her neck? She tried to hide it with concealer, but it is SO OBVIOUS. Why didn’t she go home to change before coming in this morning? That is so . . . gross. It’s like she WANTS us to know. Like she’s rubbing it in.
Katydid:
It’s working. I can’t believe the T.O.D. is having sex and I’m not.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
And you so know who she’s doing it WITH. Mr. No Pie For You himself. Oh my God, wait. . . . Did you see that?
Katydid:
See what?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
When she waved her hand just now, talking to Steph at the reception desk. Is that a DIAMOND ON HER LEFT RING FINGER????
Katydid:
ohmygod
Sleaterkinneyfan:
That is the hugest rock I have ever seen. It’s the size of my belly button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katydid:
She’s engaged. I can’t believe it. The T.O.D. is engaged.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
MRS. STUART HERTZOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katydid:
I can’t believe someone asked the T.O.D. to marry him. I can’t even get a guy to agree to admit he might still be going out with me this summer, let alone FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
*I* can’t believe she hasn’t come over here to throw it up in our faces. I mean, that has to be three carats, at least. Although compared to my paltry .5, anything would look big.
Katydid:
Hey! Craig spent what he could afford. It wasn’t easy, picking out a ring on a computer programmer’s salary. A computer programmer’s
starting
salary.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Cool it! I wouldn’t trade my .5 for that barnacle creeping all the way up her knuckle for all the money in the world. I’m just saying—hey, who’s that guy in the suit heading for the T.O.D.’s office?
Katydid:
Her wedding planner? Geez, she works fast.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Is that a SUMMONS he’s holding?
Katydid:
Oh, God, I hope so. I hope it turns out the T.O.D. is being sued for incompetence.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Um, you don’t think it’s the pre-nup, do you?
Katydid:
Oh my God, Stuart Hertzog would SO make his potential bride sign a pre-nup! What is she doing now, can you see? Is she crying? If she’s crying, it’s definitely the pre-nup.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I can’t tell if she’s crying or not. She’s still reading it. Okay, he’s leaving the T.O.D’s office. Maybe I can . . . Hey, why is he walking over toward YOU?
Katydid:
Oh, n—
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
Kathleen A. Mackenzie
Personnel Representative, Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
Dear Ms. Mackenzie,
Pursuant to Article 29, page 31 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement between theNew York Journal and the United Staff Association of NYJ, Local 6884, former employee Ida Lopez has chosen to file a grievance concerning the termination of her employment at theNew York Journal.
You are hereby notified of pending arbitration—in which your employer, as well as you personally, are named as defendants for breach of contract—and during which my firm will be representing you. Please notify my assistant as soon as possible of your availability for a pretrial discovery conference.
Sincerely,
Mitchell Hertzog
ak/MH
To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Re: OH MY GOD
Mrs. Lopez is suing me! ME!!!!!!!!!! After everything I tried to do for her!!!!!
Which, considering she did lose her job, isn’t all that much, I guess. But still. I mean, I TRIED. I warned her plenty of times of what might happen if she didn’t stop refusing to let people have pie.
And now she’s suing me! Can she even have a legal leg to stand on? Did I do something wrong? Oh my God, what if I did something wrong? ThenI’llbe fired too!
Oh my God, this is so like an episode ofCharmed : Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, times three, good or bad. I fired Mrs. Lopez, and now I’m going to have THREE TIMES the bad luck as I did before.
As if I didn’t already have the worst luck of any girl on the eastern seaboard.
And who the hell is Mitchell Hertzog? I thought the T.O.D.’s boyfriend’s name was STUART!!!!!!!!
Kate
To: Kate M ackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Amy Jenkins <amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com>
Re: (None)
See me at once.
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>
Re: OH MY GOD
The T.O.D. wants to see me at once!!!!!!
Which means I have to have done something wrong!!!!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kate
To: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Amy Jenkins <amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Mitchell Hertzog
Stuart, I have just received a letter from someone whom I can only presume is a family member of yours.
If this is a joke, I have to say it is in highly questionable taste.
If it is not a joke, might I ask why, considering the fact that I had Ida Lopez’s employment terminated at your request, someoneelsefrom your law office will be representing me and my employer when we go to court against this woman for breach of contract?