It would never be enough.
That bad feeling I’d had for weeks was back, worming its way through skin and bone and crushing a part of me that I didn’t think would ever recover.
“I don’t blame you, Nathan…for the accident. I know you would never do anything to hurt Trevor or anyone on purpose. You’re a good boy. I want you to know that.” Her voice was rough, but strong. “I know that Mike is being hard on you…he just…Trevor was his world, you know? And it’s just so hard, and I…” A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away, but another soon followed.
I didn’t think I could feel any worse or sink any lower. But I guess I was wrong.
“I just wanted you to know that I don’t blame you. I was a teenager once, and none of us were squeaky clean, especially Mike.” She sighed. “I’ve done things that were stupid and thoughtless and dangerous.” She shrugged. “All of us have.”
“I don’t…” I began and had to stop. “I don’t know what to say, Brenda. I’m sorry doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t seem to be big enough.”
“I know,” she said softly.
For a few seconds, there was only silence between us, and I could see the expression on her face changing, as if she was gearing up to do something she really didn’t want to do.
My teeth clenched, so tight that pain radiated along my jaw, but I didn’t care. In that moment, all I saw was the fear and pain in Brenda Lewis’s eyes. Fear and pain that I had put there, and no matter what she said, it didn’t make me feel better.
Her fear filled me up, seeping into every nook and cranny, and for a second, I saw Monroe’s face, and I wondered where she was. What was she doing at this exact moment?
Because if ever there was a moment that was going to crack my world wide open, this was it. I knew that my life was about to change again. I was coming down from the clouds and starting a free fall that would take me down hard.
No longer was I a king, flying high with Monroe. Nope, I was nothing but the pathetic excuse of a friend who had put Trevor in the hospital. I was nothing more than the sum of that night.
I saw all of that reflected in her eyes.
“Trevor took a turn for the worse overnight.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said hoarsely. “Oh God.”
“Some sort of infection in his blood. His organs are shutting down. He’s gone septic. There are some other issues, but…”
“Jesus.” I stumbled a bit and she grabbed my elbow, steadying me against the stone bench.
“Mike and Taylor are with him now, but I know how much you love Trevor, and I think that you should come to the hospital tonight. I think that Trevor would want you there.”
I stared at her in shock as she gently shook my arm and then cupped my chin. There was nowhere to look but into her eyes.
“Do you understand what I’m telling you, Nathan?”
I nodded and said the hardest words I’d ever said in my life. “You want me to come and say good-bye. Say good-bye to Trevor.”
Brenda Lewis let go of me and took a step back. She looked like a wounded animal. One who’d had its heart ripped out, and I guess I was responsible for that too. I felt the burden sitting on my shoulders, and God, I was so damn tired.
“Yes,” she answered simply. “You might not get the chance again.” Her voice caught and then she turned away.
I watched her shuffle down the sidewalk until she disappeared at the next block. When my uncle found me, I didn’t have to say anything. I could tell he already knew.
I handed him his Coke and left him there.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Monroe
Gram found me on the porch, curled up on the settee, waiting for Nathan. He and his uncle hadn’t come back after they’d gone into town for supplies earlier, but he usually showed up around now.
I was anxious to see him, which was crazy. I’d seen him at noon when I’d taken him a cold drink, but seriously, it felt like days since his smile turned my insides to mush. Days since he had kissed me until my head spun.
And now…now I sat and waited for a guy who had turned my world upside down. A guy who had finally fixed some of the broken pieces inside me. A guy I was going to say good-bye to soon.
With a sigh, I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and pushed those thoughts away. I didn’t want to think about the end of something so good. Not yet anyway.
It was dusk, that sweet spot just before evening fell, and the crickets chirped away, happy to play in the shadows now that the sun was gone.
I wore Nate’s The Cramps T-shirt because I liked it and it smelled like him, which is what Gram caught me doing when she walked out onto the porch. Like a nerd, my nose was buried in the hem of his shirt and I let it fall, hoping she wouldn’t notice the heat in my cheeks.
Gram walked over but stopped a few inches away, and as soon as I looked up, I knew something was wrong. Her eyes were sad, her mouth soft, and she had her hands clasped in front of her as if she didn’t know what to do with them.
“Have you heard from Nathan?” she asked quietly.
My heart sank.
Something was really wrong.
“No.” I shook my head and got to my feet. “What’s going on? Is he okay?”
Gram watched me closely for a moment and then sighed. “Trevor Lewis has taken a turn, a bad turn, and the doctors don’t know if he’ll survive the night.”
“Oh my God, Gram.”
I fell back onto the settee and bent over, resting my hands on my knees as I stared at the floor. This was bad. Really bad. This would break Nathan.
“And Nathan knows?”
“Yes, but no one has seen him since this afternoon.”
My head shot up at that. “What do you mean, no one has seen him? Wasn’t he with his uncle?”
Gram nodded and sat down beside me, her warm arm around my shoulders as she pulled me in tight. “He was, but he was upset when he learned the news and…”
“And what? His uncle thought it was okay to let him take off alone? Doesn’t he know how screwed up Nathan’s head is?” I jumped to my feet, my voice incredulous. “He blames himself, Gram, and that kind of hurt isn’t good. That kind of hurt can make you do crazy things.”
I slipped my feet back into my sneakers. “If Trevor dies…” My voice trailed off as I thought of Nate, and the fear inside me tripled.
“Do you think he would…” Gram paused, her hand over her mouth. “Do you think he would hurt himself?”
“No! I mean, I don’t know.” God, I hope not.
I thought back to the year before. To a time when I had a total disconnect from everyone. I knew what it felt like to think there was nothing…nothing that could make the pain go away.
And I knew how easy it was to consider a way out.
“I need to find him, Gram. Can I borrow the car?”
She nodded slowly and pulled the keys out of the pocket of her light gray sweater. “Take your cell phone. I’ll let you know if he shows up here.”
My mind was already racing ahead, wondering where he could be. I started down the steps, nearly falling on my face as I tripped over the last one, and I was halfway to the car before I pulled up cold.
My cell.
I whipped it out and called him, but after three rings it went to voicemail. I left a message asking him to text me or call me as soon as possible, and then I sent a text to Brent.
Have you heard from Nate?
He answered almost immediately.
No. You? The guys are worried. He’s not picking up his cell.
Shit. I slid into the car.
Me: Let me know if you find him.
Brent: Will do. His car is missing.