He rises from his seat, his eyes boring into mine. A softness overtakes his face. “So you feel something for me?” He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
“Of course I do. But it doesn’t matter. None of this matters. Nothing can ever happen.”
“They won’t know. If we keep it between these four walls, how would they ever figure it out?”
“By the way we look at each other, our body language. There are so many signals we could give away, and that’s it. That’s all it takes, one little mistake and then we’re—”
“I need you,” he says.
“You don’t need me.” I breathe him in and my heart starts to flutter. “There’s nothing I can do to change who I am, what I’ve been labeled.”
“You’re amazing just the way you are. There’s not a single thing I would change about you. When you smile my entire world stops. All I see is you. I need you.”
My head shakes back and forth, willing his words away. If he keeps this up, I don’t know if my promise to Sutton will stick. “No, you don’t. You have to stop.”
“I wish I knew how.” His arms break away from me, and he steps back. “You’re the last person I ever wanted to fall for.”
His words ignite a switch I never knew existed. The words sting. A minute before, he said he needed me. Now, he tells me how I was the last person he would ever choose for himself. He’s ashamed of his feelings for me. Before I can stop myself, my emotions take control.
“Well, why don’t you say how you really feel? Huh? That being assigned to me was the worst thing that ever happened to you. I’ve ruined your life. But you know what? It’s not my fault. You can’t blame me because you can’t be like all the other mindless guards who have no attachments beyond themselves.” I spit in anger. “Why can’t you be numb?” My mind wanders back to the thought of Cole hunting my brother and it’s too much for me to bear. I fall to my knees, banging my fists on the floor, my breath coming in rasps as the pain crushes my chest.
“Stop it. Please stop.” He pleads as he kneels down to put his arm around me.
Sutton’s words come back to haunt me, and now I know exactly what he meant. Difficult decision—choosing sides, now I understand. It’s as if he knew this was coming.
“Why would you do this? I can’t believe you’d make me dinner and then spring this on me. How’d you think I’d react?” I stand back, pushing his arms off me, and face him with my arms folded across my chest. Zeus comes to my side, sensing the tension.
“I was scared to tell you. It’s been tearing me up inside, believe me.” He steps toward me, but I move back and Zeus growls. Cole raises his hands in innocence. “Look, you need to trust me.”
“Trust you? Seriously? After what just happened you want me to trust you?”
“Then we can’t be together. Without trust it would never work.”
“It’s never going to work. It can’t!” I throw my hands in the air. “And you’re going after my brother!”
“Come on, now you’re being unfair. Please tell me that you know me better than that. I mean, you get upset with me for being, what, honest? Yet you can’t be honest with me. I would never judge what happened to you. All I ever wanted was to help you heal. I’m here to hold you if you have to break down, be vulnerable, and I’m here to help build you back up. But trust goes two ways. If there’s no trust, there’s no us. I can’t do this without you.”
Us. His words freeze me in place. He steps away and starts shoving his clothes into his duffel bag. I watch in silence while Zeus whines. “I don’t understand what you’re saying…”
“I care about you, and I know you feel something for me. Damn it, I risk my life every day for you and I never once second-guessed it. But I need you to open up to me or I can’t keep doing this. With everything we’ve been through, you should at least trust me enough to let me in. Trust is the basis for a relationship, you know.” He’s finished.
“What on Earth are you talking about? We’re not allowed to be together even if we both want it.” Tears leak from my eyes with a fury as I stand and watch him pack his things. Did he say he wanted to be together? Did he say relationship? Does he think I’m his girlfriend? I can’t.
Everyone’s keeping secrets from me, breaking me into pieces.
He doesn’t even bother folding his stuff, just throws it in. When he finishes, he drags my old mattress into the other room and stays there.
I want to climb into his arms and plead with him to lie next to me. But I can’t. I won’t let him die because of my own selfish desires. Then my thoughts wander back to Keegan and I cringe.
Zeus puts his paw on the bed and I allow him to be my comfort for now. I lie on Cole’s bed, my face buried in the pillow, as he jumps up beside me. I rub his ears and cry. Nightmares easily overtake me.
Wilson and my stepfather, wearing twin, sadistic expressions, stand on the podium in front of the hospital.
“Come on up. We won’t hurt you. We swear.”
Like a lamb to the slaughter, my legs lead me up the rough, wooden stairs onto the stage. The whole world watches, and a spotlight rests upon my face, burning my eyes with its excruciating white light.
Cole stands with his hands tied behind him, and on the other side stands Keegan, also bound. Except Keegan looks like the boy I knew as a child. He’s ten again, with wavy brown hair and a knack for getting into trouble.
“Choose,” Wilson says, shoving me forward.
I fall onto my knees, prostrate before them. “I can’t. I don’t understand…”
A hand smashes across my face, sprawling me out and sending pain throughout my body. My vision blurs and I see double of my stepfather standing over me.
A chilling smile precedes his words. “Choose who dies. Or we kill them both.”
My eyes wander to Cole, standing with bound hands and pleading eyes. And then they hold the image of ten-year-old Keegan close. The past or the future… What to do when I love both?
Wilson moves toward Keegan and whips back his head, forcing a scream from his throat.
“You always were a weakling.” My stepfather nods at Wilson, who promptly slices Keegan’s neck. His head falls forward in an awkward motion as the scarlet blood soaks through his dirty blue T-shirt.
I scream.
The siren mixes with my silent scream as I wake in a sweaty panic. My shirt and pants stick to my body as I gasp for air. The dream was so real.
Checking my old room, I see Cole’s asleep. I very slowly grab a pen and a piece of paper. Then I sit at the table and write. When I’m finished, I fold the paper in half and tuck it down into his bag. I climb back into bed quietly just as the sun starts to rise.
He walks down the hallway between our rooms and gets ready to leave. I peek between my eyelids and see him in his dress uniform looking handsome and crisp. His face tells another story though. He looks pained, his eyes anguished with the decision he has to make. The next moment, he kisses my forehead, pulling wisps of hair away from my face, and he’s gone.
CHAPTER 12
The world seems black and food tastes like cardboard. It should make me feel better that he was honest, but instead, it confuses me more. He really doesn’t want me hurt. Well, this hurt. It hurts like hell, and I can’t smother the fire. He was trying to do the right thing, right? Then why am I more depressed than I’ve ever been in my eighteen years? I need Cole. I miss him. I miss Zeus. I miss us.