I should have had the sense to become a quivering wreck and let them laugh about it and say, “Ah, bless his cotton socks, leave him alone, what a dickhead.”
But I just lay there and took it.
“You are the tool of Bush, Andy,” one of them said, “but you will not be for long because we are going to kill you.”
I took the threat seriously. He had just confirmed my worst fears. They would give us both a good kicking, then take us off and slot us.
Good, I thought, let’s get on with it then.
They dragged me to my feet again. Blood was pouring down my face from gashes in my scalp. It trickled into my eyes and mouth. My lips were numb, as if I’d been to the dentist. I couldn’t control them to blow the blood away. I bent my head forward to redirect the flow and to avoid any eye-to-eye contact. I didn’t want these bastards to see what I was thinking.
For another fifteen minutes people continued to take turns at punching and slapping, often not even bothering to put me back on the chair. I stayed crunched up as tightly as I could. A pair of hands grabbed my feet and started to drag me across the room so that the others could get an improved angle on their kicking. This is way out of control, I thought. Any more of this and I’m going to be well out of the game.
The blindfold had come off by now with the hustle and tussle of events. I didn’t bother looking that much. All I saw was my knees hard against my face, and the light-cream lino floor, once beautifully polished but now smeared with mud and blood. I was finding it more and more difficult to draw breath. I was really getting concerned about the long-term effects. I felt my body disintegrating. I could die here-and the only good thing about it would be that I’d mucked up their floor.
The back of my throat was rattling. I coughed blood. Another twenty minutes, I thought, and we’d be into serious damage. That would really slow down my chances of escape.
At last they must have tired of the game. I was a bag of shit, they’d got me where they wanted me, there was little point going on.
I lay there on the floor, drenched with my own blood. There was filth and gore everywhere. Even my feet were bleeding. My khaki socks were wet and dark red.
I opened my eyes for a moment and caught a glimpse of a pair of brown Chelsea boots with zippers on the side, and a pair of bell-bottomed jeans. The boots had cheap and nasty plastic heels, the stuff that Saturday markets are made of. The jeans were dirty and faded, and well and truly flared. Whoever was wearing them probably had on a David Cassidy T-shirt as well under his uniform shirt. Glancing up quickly, I saw that they were all ruperts, very clean-cut and smooth-faced, not a hair out of place. Everybody had a mustache and hair that was sleeked back. The Saddam look was in.
I lay in a corner against the wall, trying to protect myself. There were people on three sides of me. Their faces loomed down at me. One bloke flicked his fag ash at me. I looked up at him pitifully. His response was to do it again.
More people came into the room. I was lifted up and put back onto a chair and re blindfolded I hoped it wasn’t just a fresh crew coming in to take over from where the others had left off.
“What is your name?” I heard from a new voice in excellent English.
“Andy.”
I didn’t give my full name. I was determined to drag this out as long as I could. My surname was a whole new question. The trick is to use up time, but at the same time to appear to be wanting to help.
“How old are you, Andy? What is your date of birth?”
His diction was very precise, his grammar better than mine. The slight Middle Eastern accent was barely detectable.
I gave him the answer.
“What is your religion?”
Under the terms of the Geneva Convention he wasn’t allowed to ask that one. The correct response should have been: “I cannot answer that question.”
“Church of England,” I said.
It was inscribed on my ID tags and they had them, so why should I risk another filling in over information that they already had? I hoped the information would help confirm that I was from England, not Tel Aviv as the crowd had seemed to believe.
Church of England meant nothing to them.
“You are Jewish?”
“No, I’m a Protestant.”
“What is a Protestant?”
“A Christian. I’m a Christian.”
To them, everybody’s a Christian who’s not a Muslim or a Jew.
Christianity embraces everybody from Trappist monks to Moonies.
“No, Andy, you are Jewish. We will soon find that out. Do you like my English, by the way?”
“Yes, it’s good.”
I wasn’t about to argue. As far as I was concerned, he spoke better English than Kate Adie.
I had my head down, swinging it from side to side, looking and sounding confused. There were long pauses while I appeared to be trying to think of things. I slurred my words, played on the injuries, played for time, dragged everything out.
“Of course my English is good,” he snapped, coming right up to my face. “I worked in London. What do you take me for-an idiot? We are not idiots.”
He had been asking questions from maybe 10 feet away, as if from behind a desk. But now he was up and walking around as he launched into a torrent of rhetoric about how intelligent and wonderful the Iraqi nation was and what tremendously civilized people they were. He was beginning to shout. Flecks of spit landed on my face. They smelled of tobacco and cheap cologne. The speed and harshness of his verbal assault made me wince a little; I clenched my teeth. I had to fight to control my reactions; I didn’t want him to know I was in a better state than he thought. You’ve got to take it for granted that these people are switched on.
“We are an advanced nation,” he spat. “As your country shall soon find out.”
I had been feeling a bit like a child on the receiving end of a scolding, who puts his face down while he’s being yelled at and his whole body starts to shudder.
He mentioned London and I thought, This is all getting on rather well here, we’re going to talk about London.
“I love London,” I said. “I wish I was back there now. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m just a soldier.”
We went through the Big Four again. In my mind’s eye I tried to race ahead and compare what I was going to say with what I’d already said. I could hear lots of writing going on. All the pens seemed very close to me. I heard paper being folded and the shuffling of feet.
My interrogator moved away and sat down. His tone switched to something soothing and approachable.
“I know you’re just a soldier,” he said. “I am a soldier myself. Let us just get this done in a civilized manner. We are a civilized nation. There are certain things we want to know, Andy. Just tell us. You’re just a tool. They are using you.”
It was pretty obvious what was going on. My job now was to make them think that their methods were working.
“Yes, sir,” I said, “I’m so confused, I really want to help you. I don’t know what’s happening. I’m so worried about my friend outside.”
“Well, tell me what unit you’re from. Just tell us and you won’t have to go through this pain. Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“I’m sorry, I cannot answer that question.”
It all started again.
When the new characters had come in, one of them must have slipped in behind me. When I gave the dud response, he must have got the nod because he threw a massive hook with a rifle butt into the side of my head. It took me straight onto the lino.
If you’re in a fight as a school kid you’re all revved up for it, and you’re expecting the blows. They don’t hurt so much when they come. If you’re not expecting it, the pain is intense. The shock from the rifle butt was horrendous. I passed out. I went to another world, and although it hurt intensely, it was actually quite a pleasant place to be.