Let reason maintain a mean that doesn’t resemble a lack of love or a kind of madness, and let it keep us in a state of mind that is caring but not anguished. Let your tears flow, but also let them stop. Let sighs be drawn from your deepest breast, but also let them find an end. Govern your mind so that you may win approval both from the wise and from your own family.11
In the end, it’s natural that grief will dissipate given time. But it’s even better if we can grow out of grief, rather than just grow weary of it. As Seneca advised Lucilius, “It’s better that you abandon grief, rather than have grief abandon you.”12
REDUCING THE SHOCK OF GRIEF
Does anyone weep over something he knew to be inevitable? To complain that someone has died is to complain that person was mortal.
—Seneca, Letters 99.8
It isn’t possible to prevent grief from arising when we lose a loved one. But it is possible to minimize the shock of grief by realizing in advance that everyone we know is mortal and that, one day, our paths will part for good. Seneca went so far as to suggest that when someone gives birth to a child, it’s good to think, “I have given birth to a mortal.”13 Rather than being a heartless thought, it’s just a truth about human nature.
Knowing that someone is in the process of dying reduces the shock or surprise of losing them dramatically. When I was twenty-seven, my dad, who had led a remarkable life, was hospitalized. It was also clear that his end was near. About a month later, he died, on December 31. As I used to say, “He went out with the old year.” If he had lived just six more days, he would have been seventy-five years old. At the time, I experienced a deep sense of grief. But since everyone was expecting his demise, the initial shock was far less intense than it would have been if he had simply died with no warning.
As Seneca notes, “Those who anticipate the coming of suffering remove its force when it arrives.”14 It’s difficult, though, to imagine that those who are young, in the prime of life, or even much younger than us, might suddenly die at any moment. That’s why it’s helpful to remind ourselves from time to time that it could take place. Even Seneca failed to follow his own advice about this with his close friend Annaeus Serenus, who died at a young age. As Seneca confided to Lucilius, “I wept so excessively for my dear friend.” That’s because Serenus was so much younger, and, as Seneca said, “I had never imagined it possible for his death to precede mine.” He concluded, “Let us continually think as much about our own mortality as about all of those we love. . . . Whatever can happen at any time can happen today.”15
One of my favorite Stoic ideas is that everything we have, or believe that we possess, is just “on loan” from the universe. Everything. And one day, all those things will need to be returned. Seneca brings this up in his message to Marcia, who was still experiencing extreme grief over the death of her son, as though it had just happened yesterday. Seneca tells Marcia that “All the extraordinary things that glitter around us,” including children, honors, wealth, and everything that depends on uncertain chance, “do not belong to us but are only on loan.”16 Not one of them is a permanent gift. Seneca explains further,
We must love them with the awareness that we have no promise we will have them forever, nor any promise we will have them for long. We must remind ourselves often that we should love things as if they are sure to leave us, or that they are leaving already. Take what Fortune gives, but realize that it comes with no guarantee.17
Epictetus said, “Never say that ‘I have lost something’; only say, ‘I have given it back’”—even if that is a loved one.18 As Seneca wrote to Polybius, when his brother died, “Let us take joy in what is given to us and let us return it when we are asked.”19 Seneca explained elsewhere that someone who views the world correctly will realize that all his property, and even his life, is a temporary gift of Fortune. He’ll then live as if everything were on loan, and he’ll be prepared to return those gifts without sorrow when the universe finally reclaims them.20
Some readers have wrongly assumed that the Stoics were advocating emotional detachment from those around them by thinking in this way. But nothing could be further from the truth. Knowing that nothing is permanent is just accepting a fact of nature. It has nothing to do with a person’s ability to love deeply. Realizing that my loved ones are all impermanent encourages me to treasure them more deeply. It makes me even more grateful for the limited time we have together.21
TURNING GRIEF INTO GRATITUDE
Keep remembering but cease to grieve.
—Seneca, Letters 99.24
Don’t complain about what was taken away, but give thanks for what you were given.
—Seneca, Consolation to Marcia 12.2
Seneca has the most brilliant strategy for dispelling grief over the long term. When we lose a loved one, we will certainly grieve for a period. But as that grief begins to fade, we can replace those sad feelings with happy and joyful memories.
Seneca’s profound insight is that grief, in a way, is selfish and lacking in gratitude for our loved ones. Rather than being ungrateful and sad, let us be grateful for the wonderful experiences we’ve had together. As he wrote to a friend who lost an infant son, “Many people do not count how many great blessings they’ve received and how much joy they’ve experienced. That is just one reason why your kind of grief is bad: not only is it needless, it is ungrateful too.”22
He continues,
Do you bury a friendship along with the friend? And why would you mourn him as if he didn’t benefit you? Believe me: a large part of those we have loved remains with us, even if chance has removed them. The time that has passed is ours to keep, and nothing is safer than that which was.23
Seneca is correct that grief, given time, can be replaced by happy memories. For several years after my father died, I’d feel some seasonal sadness around the time of his death, at the end of each year. It’s like there was an empty space where he was supposed to be. Many others who have lost family members have experienced this kind of seasonal sadness too. But that was a long time ago. When I look back at my dad or even his death today, I now feel no grief at all—just a sense of happiness, and a sense of gratitude, for the time we spent together. But when a person’s mind is filled with grief and sadness, it’s hard to make space for the happy memories and gratitude that would more deeply honor a loved one. Being able to replace grief with gratitude is not just possible; it’s crucial for living a happy life.
Seneca says this applies even to people who have lost little children. Their memory can still bring us joy, even if their lives were short. As Seneca tells Marcia, “Your son deserves to make you happy each time you think of him, each time you mention his name—and you will honor him more greatly if you greet his memory cheerfully and with joy, as he used to be greeted while still alive.”24 Rather than grieve, Seneca says, remember all the happy times you spent with your son, and “his boyish, loving caresses.”25
CHAPTER 13
Love and Gratitude
Anxiety is not appropriate for a grateful mind. On the contrary, all worry should be dispelled through deep self-confidence and an awareness of true love.
—Seneca, On Benefits 6.42.1
STOIC LOVE AND AFFECTION
As we’ve seen, the stereotype of Stoics being cold and unfeeling just isn’t true. The Stoics, in fact, took love and affection to be the primary human emotion. They put love, as an emotion, in a category all by itself. In Seneca’s view, the Stoics had more love for humanity than any other philosophical school. Love and affection, they maintained, form the very basis of human society. They realized that parents instinctively love their children. They also thought that this kind of primary affection could be extended outward to encompass all of humanity. That is why Seneca wrote, “Society can only remain healthy through the mutual protection and love of its parts.”1 Because of this, it’s no exaggeration to say that Stoic ethics is ultimately based on love. The fact that people love one another is an aspect of natural law, which provides a natural basis for human community and society.