That seemed to calm her worried eyes a bit, and she went on. “The day I miscarried I drank an entire bottle of wine, and I trashed my apartment.” They were both silent as she stared at her still-trembling hands, and Brandon held his breath. “I had every intention of taking my life. I even bought the gun off the street because I didn’t want to go through the waiting period and all the red tape of getting it registered. I was too much of a coward to take pills and try to overdose.” She looked up at him her, pained eyes once again swimming in tears. “I have the worst luck in the world, and I figured I may as well do it the sure way. Knowing me, I’d make it through an overdose and would have to face my family, who would then know what I coward and a fraud I really am. I bought the biggest gun I could find to make sure it did the job.”
“Why does that make you a coward or even a fraud, Regina? You had two terrible losses back to back, and you snapped. It’s not unheard of.”
“I’m not the first person to lose someone,” she said, raising her voice. “People lose loved ones all the time, and they get through it. I never even got rid of the gun” She frowned, motioning to the wooden chest.” It’s buried in there somewhere. I made the mental argument with myself that I should keep it since I was a single woman living alone, but deep inside, I knew it was really for fear that I might need it again someday.” She pointed at him with that feral look in her eyes she had earlier when she’d told him about Janecia, so Brandon held her tight. “You lost both your parents, one of them just as suddenly and tragically as I lost Ryan, and I bet you never considered taking your life.” Shaking her head, she stared out at nothing in particular. “I can’t even imagine,” she whispered. “You’re so much stronger than I am. I’m so weak. After everything you’ve been through and all by yourself, you didn’t fall apart like I did. I had my entire family and friends, and still, if it hadn’t been for my neighbors, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
Brandon lowered his face to try to get her attention. He waited until he had it and she was looking right at him. “People handle things differently, and everybody grieves differently, okay? No, I never considered taking my life, but think about it. What did I do? I did the very same thing you almost did. Maybe not literally but I made the decision to stop living. I went through the motions of waking and working and continuing with my life, but I wasn’t living. I didn’t even realize it until you came along. This is living.” He kissed her softly because he’d just had a huge revelation. “What I was doing before you . . . Baby, I may as well have been dead. My life now with you compared to what it was then . . . I was dead.”
The corner of her lip lifted, and her eyes were flooded once again, but this time there was a smile behind them, and she wrapped her arms around him tightly.
“I was so afraid to tell you about what I’d done,” she said against his neck. “The only people who know are my therapist and the neighbors who broke down my apartment door after hearing me trash the place and screaming like a crazy person. Janecia doesn’t even know. All she knows is I had a breakdown and had to start seeing a therapist. I was afraid you’d see me differently—lose respect for me—but as usual, you’re amazing, Brandon.” She pulled away and their eyes locked. That gentle innocence he’d been drawn to way back when, reflected in the way she looked into his eyes now. “I love you,” she whispered.
For a moment, he froze. Aside from his mother, no one else had ever said these words to him, and it nearly suffocated him. It was subtle, but there was no hiding the disappointment in her eyes when he didn’t immediately respond.
“You do?”
She nodded nervously. “I do.”
This was the last thing he expected to hear tonight, especially after everything they’d just discussed. As terrified as he was to admit it—say it out loud—he had to.
“I love you too.”
He got that look from her, that same one she’d given him when he promised he’d never ride a motorcycle. It was suspicious, and he knew why. “I do.” He laughed, hugging her tightly then kissing the top of her head. “You just caught me off guard, but I do.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “I love you, Ms. Brady.”
She laughed, and it was a beautiful sound—beautiful and satisfying—considering she’d been so miserable just minutes ago.
“Make love to me, Sergeant Billings,” she whispered against his lips.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said with a growl as he stood up and lifted her in his arms. “Your wish is my command, princess.”
Feeling like the luckiest man in the world, he rushed off with her.
Chapter Eighteen
The following Friday Regina walked out of his bedroom after changing into nothing more than Brandon’s Padres T-shirt and panties as she often did after work during the week. She informed Brandon they wouldn’t be meeting Janecia and Clay for appetizers and drinks like they had the past few Friday nights.
Brandon chose his words carefully because he didn’t want to ignite anything, but he had a feeling she’d be regretting this later. “Babe, you can’t just stop talking to your best friend over this. I know how strongly you feel about it, but do you really want such a long friendship with someone you care so much about to end like this?”
Regina opened up the box of pizza she’d ordered in lieu of their date night out. “It’s not ending,” she said, pulling a slice out of the box and setting it onto a paper plate but didn’t look at him. “They left this morning for Puerto Nuevo.”
“Oh,” Brandon said, feeling like a complete ass now.
The last thing he wanted was to have her thinking about this all night. Mercifully, before he could come up with a way to change the subject, her phone rang. She walked away from the pizza on the table and into the kitchen where she’d left her phone.
Brandon walked over to the pizza box and opened it, examining the gourmet pizza she’d ordered from her favorite place. Unlike the pizzas he was used to with lots of red sauce, she’d mentioned this was made with white garlic sauce, so the whole thing was mostly white, but it at least it had sausage.
He’d just taken a bite of the pizza and the flavors had exploded in his mouth when he heard the tail end of Regina’s conversation and froze.
“She’s dating my Ricardo? Are you sure it’s the same one?”
Chewing slowly, he waited as Regina paused and he heard the refrigerator door open. “Get out!” she said, suddenly sounding a little too giddy for someone who’d just walked away in such a somber mood. “She’s bringing him Sunday? Does she know he’s my ex?”
She paused again while Brandon swallowed down his pizza. It went down a little harder than he’d expected.
“Oh, wow. Did she say if he’s still surfing? I wonder if he still looks the same.”
After hearing that, Brandon started toward the kitchen. He didn’t want to be petty, but Regina’s interest in her Ricardo was irritating as shit, so he figured he may as well get close enough to hear every word. It wasn’t like she’d hushed her voice or was trying to keep this conversation private, so he leaned against the kitchen entryway and took another bite, looking straight at her. Suddenly, she seemed uncomfortable. It was almost as if it’d just hit her that Brandon could hear what she’d been talking about.
Clearing her throat, she turned away and reached into the fridge. “No, don’t be silly.” Now she lowered her voice, making Brandon chew slower in an effort to remain calm. “I know she’s annoying, but I’m seeing someone now, remember? Besides, I wouldn’t play those immature games. Listen,” she said, abruptly turning back to Brandon with a smile. “We were about to eat. I’ll call you later. Let me know if there is anything you need me to bring.”