“It’s really not,” I tried to shout, but only a halfhearted mumble came out.
Jayson shifted in his chair and said snidely into the speakerphone, “She wants to go to college.”
“Not this again.”
Corryn’s annoyed tone was the wake-up call I needed.
“Yes,” I said loudly. “This again. And if you don’t let me, I’m always going to want to go. I haven’t stopped working since I turned fourteen!” I shouted before continuing my tirade. “You guys keep acting like I’m asking the world to stop spinning or something. I’m simply asking for a break. Just some time away so I can have some normal experiences and live a normal life. Why is that so hard?”
Jayson slammed his hand on top of his desk. “Because it’s idiotic, Paige.”
“No one in their right mind wants to go to college when they’re the hottest actress on the planet,” Corryn added. “You know how many other girls would kill to be in your shoes? Stop being ungrateful! You can be normal later.”
I could be normal later?
“When, huh? Just tell me that! When will I get to go to college? When will I get to be normal? When I’m fifty?” I screamed, oddly embarrassed over the tears that had formed in my eyes.
I’d grown tired of them trying to placate me, constantly telling me that my chance for normal would come soon enough. But it never did. The next project was always waiting to start the second my current one ended.
Who becomes a spectator in their own life? Paige Lockwood, America’s sweetheart, that’s who. Surrounded by people who made every single decision for me, what I wanted never seemed to matter. Whenever I fought to have my voice heard, those around me always raised their voices louder to drown me out. I’d lost count of the number of times I’d been told that they knew what was best for me.
“You’re making this film,” Corryn demanded, and Jayson nodded furiously in agreement.
“I need a break!” I shouted back. “You never let me have a break.” Dismayed at how my voice sounded defeated, as if I’d lost the fight already, I added, “Please.”
“Do you have any idea how long people will want you in their movies, Paige? They won’t want you forever,” Jayson snapped, stomping his foot on the floor to emphasize his point. “If you leave now and try to come back in five years, there won’t be a place for you. It doesn’t work like that anymore. It might have twenty years ago, but you leave a hole in this industry and they’ll find the next actress to fill it before you go to your first frat party. So, you will be doing this film and your so-called normal life can wait.”
My life could wait?
My life had been waiting for the last seven years.
Instead of completely coming unglued on them, I laughed. Full-out belly laughed as I turned to walk out of Jayson’s office. He shouted words at my retreating back I could barely make out over my own maniacal laughter.
Then I did something so out of character for me, I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it. I flipped him the bird and bolted for the stairs before anyone could stop me. I’d come unhinged.
Running Away
Paige
My insides felt like they were unraveling, every part of me untwisting and unfurling with abandon. Never in my life had I felt so out of control, so overwhelmed, so…angry.
I screamed into the emptiness of my car as tears of frustration spilled down my cheeks. Pressing the green Call button on my steering wheel, I directed my car to “Dial Quinn.”
The robotic voice announced she was calling Quinn’s mobile, and I fought the urge to pull the car over and head toward Quinn’s house. Shaking my head wildly, I dismissed that idea. This was something I needed to do on my own.
“Quinn.” I sniffed and wiped my face with the back of my hand.
“Paige? What’s wrong?” Her tone was cautious; she obviously immediately knew that I didn’t sound normal or okay.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m losing it,” I said, practically hiccupping as my words came out on a choke mixed with sobs.
“Losing it? Losing what? What’s going on?”
Another long sniff. “I got in a fight with Jayson and Corryn about my future.”
“That’s not surprising.” She breathed out, and my speakers crackled with her exhale.
“They’re trying to force me to do that stupid movie. I put my foot down, Quinn. I said no.”
She let out a whoop of approval. “You said no? That’s my girl!”
“I also flipped Jayson off on my way out the door,” I said, then hiccupped.
“You flipped someone off and I missed it? Damn it, Paige, you can’t do that sort of thing without me. If I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.”
I managed a choked laugh as I turned onto my street. “I’m pulling into my place. I’ll call you back.”
“Hey!” she shouted. “I’m proud of you.”
I sniffed and sucked in a ragged breath before responding, “Thanks. I’ll talk to you in a bit.” Pressing the red button on my steering wheel to end the call, I pulled into the valet at my apartment.
Stepping into the lobby, I avoided eye contact with everyone I would normally talk to and headed straight toward the elevator doors. My thoughts raced, causing my head to feel like it was spinning off my shoulders. I should be able to decide whether or not I want to make a movie. It should be up to me what I want to do with my life. If I wanted to take a year off and visit the moon, I should be able to do just that. It was my prerogative.
But it’s not. I’m owned.
By my agent, my manager, and my publicist. Directors, producers, and screenwriters who depend on me. The public. And the damned press.
Pressing my back against the elevator wall, I sank to the floor and rested my head on my knees. Squeezing my eyes closed, I let out a few sobs as tears spilled down my legs. When the elevator dinged and came to a jerky stop, I pushed myself up and stumbled down the hallway to my door.
Once inside the confines of my own space, anger replaced all other emotions. I started pacing the hardwood floors, tugging at my hair in frustration. This was ridiculous. All of this was beyond flipping ridiculous.
No one owns me. I’m a person, a soul, a being. I can’t be enslaved to anyone else unless I allow it to happen. If everyone is the boss of me, it’s only because I let them.
That was when I felt it. Something inside me snapped, and if my essence had the ability to make audible sounds, I would have heard the crack. The realization hit me like a runaway train.
I didn’t have to be here.
I could leave.
Get the hell out of Dodge. And Los Angeles.
YES!
This was exactly what I needed!
A madness possessed me as I ran into my bedroom and searched for my oversized travel bag. I started stuffing clothes of all kinds inside it—pants, shorts, sundresses, T-shirts, dress tops—basically anything I could grab. I was laughing like a crazed lunatic as I found more things to toss inside—makeup, face wash, a fistful of bangles, necklaces, and earrings.
Adrenaline coursed through me, making my actions feel justified. I accepted the burst of energy as an indication that I was doing the right thing. It felt good to think of leaving, the very idea so freeing.
My head nodded to no one but my own thoughts as I entered my closet and eyed my shelves of shoes. I settled on five different pairs, all different types for different occasions. I stopped at the small painting between the rows of oak shelving and pulled it away from the wall. A small safe was tucked behind it, and I quickly spun the dial to the right and then to the left. When it clicked open, I reached for the envelope filled with cash that I kept inside, and counted out a few thousand dollars.