I poured him a glass of Chardonnay and brought it to him in manner of James Bond-style hostess saying, with a calming smile, "Supper won't be long."
"Oh my God," he said, looking around terrified as if there might be Far Eastern militia hiding in the microwave. "Have you cooked?"
"Yes," I said indignantly. I mean you would have thought he would have been pleased! Also he had not so much as mentioned the whore outfit.
"Come here," he said, patting the sofa, "I'm only teasing you. I've always wanted to go out with Martha Stewart." Was nice having cuddle but, thing was, pasta had already been on for six minutes and was going to go floury.
"I'll just do the pasta," I said, extracting myself. Just then, the phone rang and I lunged at it out of pure habit, thinking it might be him.
"Hi. it's Sharon. How's it going with Mark?"
"He's here," I whispered keeping my teeth and mouth clenched in the same position so Mark would not lipread.
"What?"
"'E's "ere," I hissed clenched-teethedly.
"It's all right," said Mark, nodding reassuringly. "I realize I'm here. I don't think it's the sort of thing we should be keeping from each other."
"OK. Listen to this," said Shaz excitedly. "'We are not saying that all men cheat. But all men do think about it. Men have these desires eating at them all the time. We try to contain our sexual urges . . .'"
"Actually, Shaz, I'm just cooking pasta."
"Oooh, 'just cooking pasta', are we? I hope you're not turning into a Smug Going-Out-With- Someone. Just listen to this and you'll want to put it on his head."
"Hang on," I said, glancing nervously at Mark. I took the pasta off the heat and went back to the phone.
"OK" said Shaz excitedly. "'Sometimes instincts override higher-level thinking. A man will stare at, approach or bed a woman with small breasts if he is involved with a woman with large breasts. You may not think variety is the spice of life, but believe us, your boyfriend thinks so.'"
Mark was starting to drum his fingers on the arm of the sofa.
"Shaz..."
"Wait ... wait. It's this book called What Men Want. Right . . . 'If you have a beautiful sister, or friend, rest assured that your boyfriend is HAVING THOUGHTS ABOUT SEX WITH HER.'"
There was an expectant pause. Mark had started miming throat slitting and toilet chain flushing motions.
"I mean isn't that revolting? Aren't they just ... ?"
"Shaz, can I call you back later?"
Next thing Shaz was accusing me of being obsessed with men when I was supposed to be a feminist. So I said, if she was supposed to be so uninterested in them, why was she reading a book called What Men Want? It was all turning into a hideously unfeminist man-based row when we realized it was ridiculous and said we'd see each other tomorrow.
"So!" I said brightly, sitting down next to Mark on the sofa. Unfortunately had to get up again as had sat on something that turned out to be an empty Miller Lite yoghurt carton.
"Yeees?" he said, brushing the yoghurt off my bottom. Sure there cannot have been that much on or needing quite such hard brushing but was very nice. Mmm.
"Shall we have supper?" I said, trying to keep my mind on the task in hand.
Had just put pasta in bowl and poured jar of sauce on it when the phone rang again. Decided to leave it till had eaten but answerphone clicked on and Jude sheep-voiced out, "Bridge, are you there? Pick up, pick up. Come on, Bridge, pleeeeeease."
I picked up the phone, as Mark hit himself hard on the forehead. The thing is, Jude and Shaz have been kind to me for years before I even met Mark so obviously it would not be right to leave the answerphone on now.
"Hi, Jude."
Jude had been to the gym where she ended up reading some article calling single girls over thirty 're-treads'. "The guy was arguing that the sort of girls who
wouldn't go out with him in their twenties would go out with him now but he didn't want them any more," she said sadly. "He said they were all obsessed with settling down and babies and his rule with girls now was "Nothing over twenty-five"."
"Oh honestly!" I laughed gaily trying to fight a lurch of insecurity in my own stomach. "That's just complete bollocks. No one thinks you're a re-tread. Think of all those merchant bankers who've been ringing you up. What about Stacey and Johnny?"
"Huh," said Jude, though she was starting to sound more cheerful. "I went out with Johnny and his friends from Credit Suisse last night. Someone told a joke about this guy who drank too much in an Indian restaurant and passed out in a korma and Johnny is so literal that he went, 'Christ! How bloody awful. I knew a bloke who ate a lot of Indian food once, and he ended up with a stomach ulcer!'"
She was laughing. The crisis had clearly passed. You see there is nothing seriously wrong, she just gets a bit paranoid sometimes. Chatted a bit more and, once her confidence seemed firmly back in residence, I rejoined Mark at the table only to discover the pasta was not quite as had planned: slopping about wetly in white-coloured water.
"I like it," said Mark supportively, "I like string, I like milk. Mmmm."
"Do you think we'd better call out for a pizza?" I said, feeling a failure and a re-tread.
We ordered pizzas and ate them in front of the fire. Mark told me all about the Indonesians. I listened carefully and gave him my opinions and advice, which he said were very interesting and very "fresh', and I told him about horrid sacking meeting with Richard Finch. He gave me very good advice about working out what I wanted from the meeting and giving Richard plenty of places to go other than sacking me. As I explained to him, it was rather like the win-win mentality as advocated in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People when the phone rang again.
"Leave it," said Mark.
"Bridget. Jude. Pick up. I think I've done the wrong thing. I just called Stacey and he hasn't called back."
I picked up. "Well, maybe he's out."
"Of his mind just like you," said Mark.
"Shut up," I hissed, while Jude ran through the scenario. "Look, I'm sure he'll ring tomorrow. But if he doesn't, just move back one of the Mars and Venus Stages of Dating. He's pulling away like a Martian rubber band and you have to let him feel his attraction and spring back."
When I got off the phone, Mark was watching the football.
"Rubber bands and win-win Martians," he said, smirking at me. "It's like war command in the land of gibberish here."
"Don't you talk to your friends about emotional matters?"
"Nope," he said, flicking the remote control from one football match to the other. I stared at him in fascination.
"Do you want to have sex with Shazzer?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Do you want to have sex with Shazzer and Jude?"
"I'd be delighted! Did you mean individually? Or both at the same time?"
Trying to ignore his superficial tone, I pressed on. "When you met Shazzer after Christmas did you want to sleep with her?"
"Well. The thing is, you see, I was sleeping with you."
"But has it crossed your mind ever?"
"Well, of course it's crossed my mind."
"What?" I exploded.
"She's a very attractive girl. It would have been odd, surely, if it hadn't?" He grinned wickedly.