'So, come on, then, Bridget! How's yer love life!' quipped Geoffrey, giving me one of his special hugs, then going all pink and adjusting his slacks.
'Fine.'
'So you still haven't got a chap. Durr! What are we going to do with you!'
'Is that a chocolate biscuit?' said Granny, looking straight at me.
'Stand up straight, darling,' hissed Mum.
Dear God, please help me. I want go home. I want my own life again. I don't feel like an adult, I feel like a teenage boy who everyone's annoyed with.
'So what are you going to do about babies, Bridget?' said Una.
'Oh look, a penis,' said Granny, holding up a giant tube of Smarties.
'Just going to change!' I said, smiling smarmily at Mum, rushed up to the bedroom, opened the window and lit up a Silk Cut. Then I noticed Jamie's head sticking out of window one floor below, also having fag. Two minutes later the bathroom window opened and an auburn-coiffed head stuck out and lit up. It was bloody Mum.
12:30 p.m. Gift exchange was nightmare. Always overcompensate for bad presents, yelping with delight, which means I get more and more horrid gifts each year. Thus Becca who, when I worked in publishing, gave me a worsening series of book-shaped clothes-brushes, shoehorns and hair ornaments this year gave me a clapperboard fridge magnet. Una, for whom no household task must remain ungadgeted, gave me a series of mini-spanners to fit different jar or bottle lids in the kitchen. While my mum, who gives me presents to try and make my life more like hers, gave me a slo-cooker for one person: 'All you have to do is brown the meat before you go to work and stick a bit of veg in.' (Has she any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?)
'Oh look. It isn't a penis, it's a biscuit,' said Granny.
'I think this gravy's going to need sieving, Pam,' called Una, coming out of the kitchen holding a pan.
Oh no. Not this. Please not this.
'I don't think it will, dear,' Mum said already spitting murderously through clenched teeth. 'Have you tried stirring it?'
'Don't patronize me, Pam,' said Una, smiling dangerously. They circled each other like fighters. This happens every year with the gravy. Mercifully there was a distraction: a great crash and scream as a figure burst through the French windows. Julio.
Everyone froze, and Una let out a scream.
He was unshaven and clutching a bottle of sherry. He stumbled over to Dad and drew himself up to his full height.
'You sleep with my woman.'
'Ah,' replied Dad. 'Merry Christmas, er . . . Can I get you a sherry ah, got one already. Jolly good. Mince pie?'
'You sleep,' said Julio dangerously, 'with my woman.'
'Oh, he's so Latin, hahaha,' said Mum coquettishly while everyone else stared in horror. Every time I've met Julio he has been clean and coiffed beyond all sense and carrying a gentleman's handbag. Now he was wild, drunk, unkempt and, frankly, just the type I fill for. No wonder Mum seemed more aroused than embarrassed.
'Julio, you naughty person,' she cooed. Oh God. She was still in love with him.
'You sleep,' said Julio, 'with him.' He spat on the Chinese carpet and bounded upstairs, pursued by Mum, who trilled back at us, 'Could you carve, Daddy, please, and get everyone sitting down?'
Nobody moved.
'OK, everybody,' said Dad, in a tense, serious, manly sort of voice. 'There is a dangerous criminal upstairs using Pam as a hostage.'
'Oh, she didn't seem to mind, if you ask me,' piped up Granny in a rare and most untimely moment of clarity. 'Oh look, there's a biscuit in the dahlias.'
I looked out of the window and nearly jumped out of my skin. There was Mark Darcy slipping, lithe as a whippersnapper, across the lawn and in through the French windows. He was sweating, dirty, his hair was unkempt, his shirt unbuttoned. Ding-dong!
'Everyone keep completely still and quiet, as if everything is normal,' he said softly. We were all so stunned, and he so thrillingly authoritative, that we started doing as he said as if hypnotized zombies.
'Mark,' I whispered as I walked past him with the gravy. 'What are you saying? There is no normal.'
'I'm not sure whether Julio's violent. The police are outside. If we can get your mum to come downstairs and leave him up there they can go in and get him.'
'OK. Leave it to me,' I said, and walked to the bottom of the stairs.
'Mum!' I yelled. 'I can't find any savory doilies.'
Everyone held their breath. There was no response.
'Try again,' whispered Mark, looking at me admiringly.
'Get Una to take the gravy back into the kitchen,' I hissed. He did what I said, then gave me a thumbs-up. I gave him a thumbs-up back and cleared my throat.
'Mum?' I shouted up the stairs again. 'Do you know where the sieve is? Una's a bit worried about the gravy.'
Ten seconds later there was a pounding down the stairs and Mum burst in, looking flushed.
'The savory doilies are in the savory doily holder on the wall, you silly willy. Now. What's Una done with this gravy. Durr! We're going to have to use the Magimix!'
Even as she spoke there were footsteps running up the stairs and a scuffle broke out above us.
'Julio!' shrieked Mum and started to run for the door.
The detective I recognized from the police station was standing in the living room doorway. 'All right, everyone, keep calm. It's all under control,' he said.
Mum let out a scream as Julio, handcuffed to a young policeman, appeared in the hallway and was bundled out of the front door behind the detective.
I watched her as she collected herself and looked round the room, appraising the situation.
'Well, thank goodness I managed to calm Julio down,' she said gaily after a pause. 'What a to do! Are you all right, Daddy?'
'Your top Mummy is inside out,' said Dad.
I stared at the hideous scene, feeling as though my whole world was collapsing around my ears. Then I felt a strong hand on my arm.
'Come on,' said Mark Darcy.
'What?' I said.
'Don't say 'what', Bridget, say 'pardon,' hissed Mum.
'Mrs. Jones,' said Mark firmly. 'I am taking Bridget away to celebrate what is left of the Baby Jesus' birthday.'
I took a big breath and grasped Mark Darcy's proffered hand.
'Merry Christmas, everyone,' I said with a gracious smile.
'I expect we'll see you all at the Turkey Curry Buffet.'
This is what happened next:
Mark Darcy took me to Hintlesham Hall for champagne and late Christmas lunch, which was v.g. Particularly enjoyed freedom to pour gravy onto Christmas turkey for first time in life without having to take sides about it. Christmas without Mum and Una was a strange and wonderful thing. Was unexpectedly easy to talk to Mark Darcy, especially with Festive Julio Police Siege Scene to dissect.
It turns out Mark has spent quite lot of time in Portugal over the last month, in manner of heartwarming private detective. He told me he tracked Julio down to Funchal and found out quite a bit about where the funds were, but couldn't cajole, or threaten, Julio into returning anything.
'Think he might now, though,' he said, grinning. He's really v. sweet, Mark Darcy, as well as being rocky smart.
'How come he came back to England?'
'Well, sorry to use a cliche, but I discovered his Achilles' heel.'
'What?'
'Don't say 'what,' Bridget, say 'pardon,' he said, and I giggled. 'I realized that, although your mother is the most impossible woman in the world, Julio loves her. He really loves her.'
Bloody Mum, I thought. How come she gets to be the irresistible sex goddess? Maybe I should go to Color Me Beautiful after all.
'So what did you do?' I said, sitting on my hands to stop myself shouting 'What about me? me? Why doesn't anyone love me?'