"I have the extract of gutsia," she said, handing Babriel a small flask in which colors of red, violet, yellow, and blue could be seen coruscating softly.
"Great," said Babriel. "We thank you. You have been most unfailingly courteous, helpful, kind-"
"Let's get on with it," Azzie said. "Thanks a lot, babe. If you ever want to change your luck - "
The supply clerk vanished in a cloud of indignation.
Azzie went to the kitchen to give Frike instructions in how to mix the gutsia with Charming's cream of leek soup. Grateful as he was to Babriel for procuring it for him, he was deeply suspicious. Why had the angel been so helpful? Pure generosity didn't seem a sufficient motive. Were angels capable of double-dealing? What was Babriel up to?
Chapter 2
Azzie administered the gutsia that evening, and Charming showed a remarkable improvement. Over the next few days, his fencing skill and aggressiveness picked up. He was no longer interested in his dolls.
All in all, it seemed a good time to Azzie to bring up the subject of his quest.
"I've been meaning to speak to you again about your future," Azzie said one quiet afternoon when he and Prince Charming were together in the big common room of the castle.
"Yes, Uncle?"
"You remember the things I told you about the Napping Princess?" he asked. "It's about time to head off in her direction."
"I wouldn't mind hanging around court," Charming said.
"Forget it. It's a great adventure that's in store for you."
"That's nice, Uncle. But, you know, I've been wondering why I'm supposed to find her and kiss her and all, anyway."
Azzie took on a tone of deepest portent. "My boy, it was written long ago that only a kiss on the lips from her true love would awaken the Princess from the sleep."
"Hope that works out for her," Charming said.
"Of course it will! You, Prince Charming, are the destined lover and husband of this fair maid."
"Are you sure it's supposed to be me, Uncle? I mean, how do you know it's not some other fellow's quest?"
"Because it is so written."
"Written where?"
"Never mind where," Azzie said. "Just take my word for it, if I tell you it's written, it's written. My boy, you are a very lucky youth. Princess Scarlet is the most beautiful of maidens, and she comes with a rich dowry. It will be difficult and dangerous getting to her, but I know you will do fine."
"How difficult? How dangerous?"
"There is an enchanted wood to pass through," Azzie explained. "You must fight the various denizens of the wood. Then there is the glass mountain which you must somehow climb."
"This sounds extremely difficult," Charming said. "Glass mountain, eh? Perhaps I could manage it. I don't know, though."
"I'll see that you come to no harm," Azzie told him. "Trust your old uncle Azzie. Never set you wrong, did I?"
"You won't get a chance this time either," Charming said. "I'm not going."
"At least look at her picture. What do you think?" Azzie asked, showing Prince Charming the miniature.
"She looks all right," Charming said, in tones of profound disinterest.
"Pretty, huh?" Azzie said.
"In a common sort of way."
"Fine bright eyes, eh?"
"Astigmatic, no doubt."
"And the mouth!"
"A regular sort of mouth," Charming said.
"Tiny! Dainty!"
"Smallish," Charming conceded.
"She's lovely, is she not?"
"She's okay, I suppose," Charming said. "But I'm too young to have a princess of my own forever and forever. I haven't even dated yet."
Charming's lack of interest was dismaying. Azzie had not expected this. As a fairly typical demon, he was usually in a state of concupiscence. The very idea that this Prince could be so blase about the beautiful Princess astounded him. It irritated him also, and when he thought about it further, it worried him.
If Prince Charming evinced no more than a polite interest in Scarlet, how could he be expected to go through hell and high water to reach her bedside and awaken her with a kiss? With his attitude, he'd be more likely to send her a letter saying, "Time to wake up now, miss."
In vain Azzie pointed out the Princess' charms. Charming met them with a devastating indifference which hurt Azzie's feelings, since the Princess was his creation. But he couldn't be too angry since he had created the Prince as well, and thus was more or less responsible for his attitude.
This was a turn of events Azzie had not expected. It had never occurred to him that his Prince would not fall instantly in love with Scarlet. Now that his cowardice seemed somewhat under control it seemed he was romantically sluggish.
"Damn!" Azzie observed, gnashing his teeth. "Oh, damn! Another design flaw!"
It was a hellish situation.
Chapter 3
In the evening he put Charming out of the way with a magic sleep. Then he headed for his conjuring room. Frike was there, humming to himself as he topped off vials of agius regae, bloodswart, hellbane, and other herbs and simples which wizardly demons find useful.
"Put that crap away," Azzie said. "I need to do some conjuring. Bring me ten cc's of bat's blood, some demonswart, and a half gill of black hellebore."
"We're all out of black hellebore," Frike said. "Would toadswart or anything else do?"
"I thought I told you to keep the stock up."
"I'm sorry, master. I developed a taste for it."
Azzie snorted.
"Stuff'll stunt your growth," he observed, "and make your palms hairy. Bring me some heliogabulus root then. It will have to suffice."
Frike brought the root and, following Azzie's directions, arranged it around a pentagram which was set into the stone floor with mother-of-pearl. He lighted the black candles, and Azzie intoned the invocation. The words employed many double glottal stops, a common feature of the ancient language of evil. Presently, a wisp of gray and purple smoke appeared in the circle. It expanded, filled out, grew larger, taller, thicker, and finally resolved into the tall figure of Hermes Trismegistus.
"Hail, Great One," Azzie said.
"Hi there, Little One," Hermes said. "What seems to be the trouble?"
Azzie related his difficulties with Charming. Hermes said, "You made an error in telling him about the Princess, Azzie. You assumed that things happen in real life as they do in fairy tales, and that Prince Charming would fall madly in love with Princess Scarlet from one look at the miniature."
"Isn't that how it happens?"
"Only in fairy tales."
"But this is a fairy tale!"
"Not yet it isn't," Hermes said. "After it is all over and retold by a bard, then it becomes a fairy tale. But for right now, that condition has not been met. You can't simply show a young man a picture and expect him to fall in love with it. You must use psychology."
"Is that a special spell?" Azzie asked.
Hermes shook his smoky head. "It is what we call a science. It is the science of human behavior. There's nothing like it in the world yet. That's why everyone is so wonky. No one knows why they do what they do because there's no psychology."
"Well, what do I do?"
"The first thing is to wipe out Charming's memories of 'your telling him about Scarlet. A small dose of Lethe water ought to do the trick. Not a great deal, just enough so that he will forget your recent conversation with him."
"And then?"
"Then I will tell you what to do next."
There was no trouble procuring Lethe water. Hermes brought it in a small crystal flask, and Azzie administered it to Charming. That evening, Azzie and Prince Charming dined together in the big walnut-paneled dining room. Frike served, splashing the soup as usual because of the way he lurched when walking. When the smoking joint had been taken away and the cream tarts eaten, Azzie said, "By the way, Prince, I shall be going out of town for a while."