And then I knew—it was a trap. “Bryn!” I screamed.
My dream then shifted to a different memory.
“I wanna be with you, Bryn. I don’t wanna be with anyone else. Ever.”
He stilled for a moment, breaking our kiss and pulling back just enough so he could look into my eyes. “We’ll find a way. Somehow—we’ll find a way.” And then his lips sought mine out again. That was all I needed to hear. Bryn would fight for me. Somehow we would make it work.
We stayed like that for I’m not sure how long, just making out furiously in the woods across from my house. But before things could progress much farther, Bryn pulled away, even with my protesting lips trying to ensnare his again. “Not like this. Your first time can’t be like this.”
I tried to catch my breath as I gazed up into his beautiful blue eyes. My insides churned for him. “You can’t take it back. You can’t say we’ll find a way and then take it back. That would be even worse than if you’d never said anything at all.” It would kill me, but I left that part unsaid.
He cupped my face in both of his large hands and spoke inches from my face. “No. There’s no going back. I want this.” He shook his head slightly. “No. I need this. I need you. I can’t imagine my life without you. Just being your Guardian isn’t enough—it’d never be enough.”
I sat up in my bed with a scream caught in my throat, and came face to face with . . . myself.
A feeling of dread snaked its way up my spine as I met the green eyes of the me I used to be. This was it, the sign that I’d finally lost it. Padded room here I come. “Don’t worry, you’re still dreaming,” the me with enviable lush long red auburn hair said with a wry smile.
I heaved a huge sigh of relief. “Okay, so what am I trying to tell myself? The symbolism, now that I know I’m dreaming, isn’t lost on me.”
My old self chuckled. “No, you’re not exactly being very subtle at the moment.” She then looked at me again and all the amusement drained out of her face. “You’re letting your fear of being alone rule your decisions.”
“No I’m not. I’m here, aren’t I? Facing this task . . . alone . . . without Bryn and Khol. I—”
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. You know I mean with the whole Bryn and Khol situation. When Bryn broke your heart . . . our heart . . . you ran into Khol’s open arms because it was easy. How can you run to him after everything he’s put you through? How can you think about choosing him after you tried to end your own life for Bryn’s sake?”
“I love Khol too!” My voice went up an octave as I pleaded my defense . . . to myself. Maybe I was ready for a padded room, even if it was a dream. “Since you’re a part of my subconscious, I shouldn’t need to tell you that I love him too! You know I do!”
“Not like Bryn. And you know that’s true. Bryn is our home. He always will be, no matter how he’s hurt us. Don’t let your fears rule you. You need to grow up. Your insecurities and fear of being alone have ruled you from the beginning. For all your constant declarations of love for Bryn, you didn’t waste any time with Khol or with Jeremy the last time he was by your side.”
“That’s not fair. That’s not—”
“The truth hurts sometimes. Stop with all the teenage angst and drama. You’re going to have a child of your own soon. Fight for Bryn, and stop making excuses to hide behind your own insecurities, because if you’re not careful, you really will end up the slut you’re afraid you already are. All sluts aren’t created equal you know. Some are just afraid to be alone. Some are just looking for unconditional love.”
“But he doesn’t want me!” I practically screeched, choosing to ignore what else I’d just said to myself. “And I wouldn’t be a slut if I mated with Khol I’d—”
“Be settling and you know it.” I quirked an eyebrow at myself. “And are you so sure Bryn doesn’t want you? Or is something else going on?”
“What do you mean?” My mind flashed to how bad Bryn had looked in the vision I’d had just before I’d drunk the herbs Nala had given me to knock me out. “Tell me.”
“Well, the problem with me being you is that I only know what you know. But we both know that something isn’t right. Bryn would never walk away from you the way that he has without some outside force coming into play—especially with the possibility that you’re carrying his child. We’ve known Bryn since we were both were five years old; you know he isn’t acting like himself. ”
And if that was true then maybe I’d been the one to betray Bryn and not the other way around. I was an immature hypocrite. Maybe I didn’t deserve Bryn. The truth really did hurt. “So what do we—I mean I do?”
“How should I know? I’m just your subconscious,” the old me said with annoyance. “By the way . . . happy nineteenth birthday to us.”
I really did wake up after that. I lay in the cool dark room listening to myself breathing over the roar of my heart beating in my ears. This would be the first birthday I’d ever been apart from Bryn since we were five years old. No wonder it was also the first time I’d almost forgotten about it. Yep . . . happy birthday to me.
12
Terrance’s whole body shook with thinly veiled fear as he approached the office door where his master was currently working on business. He was always working on some kind of business. And he would not be pleased with the news that Terrance was bringing him this day.
“Come in,” his master’s voice boomed through the thick oak, before Terrance had even raised his hand to knock. He only hesitated for a moment before entering. There was only so long he could delay the inevitable. “Tell me,” his master growled as he scuttled into the lush room with eyes averted toward the ground.
“She’s not dead.”
“And what of our operative inside the human girl?”
“No news. She is either dead or being held captive. Either way she is currently beyond our reach.”
“I see.” His master’s voice was much too calm. “You do realize this was your last chance, Terrance. I don’t tolerate incompetence . . . at least not for very long.”
Terrance dropped to the ground onto his knees. “No, please, my liege. I won’t fail you again. I—”
“No, you won’t fail me again.” It was the last words Terrance heard before he was ripped from his host’s body and pulled into the bright red stone where he would now make his home.
13
I’m different, no doubt about that, I thought as I tried to blend the rainbow clip-in extensions into my white hair. But maybe that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing like I had originally thought. I had acted like a hypocrite toward Bryn, and like a child in general. A part of me had always known it, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. Now was the time to ensure that my change would be for the better and not the worse. It was time for me to take responsibility for my own actions and choices and to stop hiding behind my fears and insecurities. How many times now had I declared that I would become the person I desired to be but only to backslide soon after? How many times had I blamed the actions of others for the bad choices I made? Too many. And the worst part was that I clearly knew better. “No more,” I muttered to my scowling reflection. I let my emotions flow from chastising to hopeful in a slow trickle as I completed my morning routine and headed downstairs for some breakfast.