/d/
FROM THE RECORDS OF THE FIRST UNITED CHURCH OF ONE GOD FOR ALL MEN, CHAGRIN FALLS, OHIO: PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF WEDDING OF MR. STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III, OF SHAKER HEIGHTS, OHIO, AND MISS PATRICE ANDLEMOTH LAVACHE, OF MADISON, WISCONSIN, 26 MAY 1961.
MINISTER: Where is everyone?
PATRICE LAVACHE: Here I am, your honor.
MINISTER: And where is the groom?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: We are here.
ROBERT GERBER, BEST MAN: Here we are!
MINISTER: Are we all here?
MRS. LAVACHE: What’s that on his tuxedo?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Can we get on with this? We have a reception to go to, after all.
MRS. LAVACHE: There is a lady’s undergarment fastened to that man’s tuxedo.
ROBERT GERBER: “O, first she gave me whiskey, then she gave me gin, then she gave me crème de menthe for kissing her on the chin.” MINISTER: This man is intoxicated.
PATRICE LAVACHE: Oh, Stone.
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Shut up, Patrice. Father I personally am not intoxicated, Mr. Gerber is here for ring-duty only, all pertinent parties are functional, let’s do the thing.
MRS. LAVACHE: I insist that that man remove the underwear from his tuxedo.
MINISTER: We really must insist, sir.
ROBERT GERBER: You have any idea, any idea, what this panty signifies? MRS. LAVACHE: I shudder to think. I’m shuddering, Edmund.
MRS. LENORE BEADSMAN: Get on with it!
ROBERT GERBER: “O, first she gave me whiskey, then she gave me scotch, then she gave me crème de menthe for kissing her…” MRS. LAVACHE: Oh, Edmund.
MR. LAVACHE: There there. The family’s loaded.
MRS. LENORE BEADSMAN: This is ridiculous, get on with it. Stonecipher, what are you doing?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Shall we, Father?
MINISTER: Ahem. Miss LaVache, I understand you have composed your own vows, to be read to Mr. Beadsman.
PATRICE LAVACHE: Yes, Sir.
MINISTER: And Mr. Beadsman?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: I’ll just be going with the standard. If the standard’s good enough for the rest of the Judeo-Christian world, it’s good enough for me.
PATRICE LAVACHE: Oh, Stone.
MINISTER: Is that man going to be all right?
MRS. LAVACHE: He doesn’t look well at all.
MINISTER: What’s that ring he’s holding? Is that supposed to be the wedding ring?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Of course not. Bob, show the minister the monstrously expensive ring I’ve purchased.
ROBERT GERBER: Here it is.
PATRICE LAVACHE: But that’s a Lone Ranger decoder ring!
ROBERT GERBER: Surprise!
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Where is the monstrously expensive ring I’ve purchased?
ROBERT GERBER: I lost my head. I gave it to Paquita, to my little Amazon flower. A madness, last night, in the fulgent bath of the Midwestern moon. The night air, spring in Cleveland. And she in return… oh Paquita, my little Amazon flower!
MR. LAVACHE: So that’s where that came from.
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN in: This is beyond unforgivable.
ROBERT GERBER: “O, first she gave me whiskey, then she gave me grass…”
MRS. LENORE BEADSMAN: God damn it.
MINISTER: Ahem. Most dearly beloved, we are… sight of God… union, spiritual… speak now or…
Miss LaVache… lovely vows… commit…
Mr. Beadsman… forever…?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Of course I do.
MINISTER: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Come here, Patrice. Are you ready to be kissed?
PATRICE BEADSMAN: Yes.
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Good.
ROBERT GERBER: Yay!
MRS. LENORE BEADSMAN: About time.
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: We’re going to be late for the reception. Please go to the car immediately, Patrice.
ROBERT GERBER: Hell of a deal, guy. Congratulations.
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: You bastard. You wore a panty to my wedding, and I had to use a ring out of a box of Ralston. I’ll get even with you in corporate struggle.
ROBERT GERBER: Oh, yeah?
STONECIPHER BEADSMAN III: Damn fine ceremony, Father. Rewards will accrue. I must go. Goodbye, everyone!
EVERYONE: Goodbye!
MRS. LENORE BEADSMAN: Officious little pissant.
/e/
“… that at this point who Bloomfield chooses to spend his time with is of less than no concern to me. Bloemker. Dolls might be the very best thing for him, nervous little moth of a man, always scratching at his beard, makes me itchy. Obstat, sit down, you’re getting on my nerves. Other item, yes. Disturbing, too, so brace. Your brother is apparently temporarily missing. John. John is, missing, in Chicago. Just wait. What would have been the point of telling you right away? It would have served no purpose. I found out just this morning, just two hours ago. Beal called me from Chicago. Seems there was a lecture John had wanted to go to, so he called a taxi from his office. A friend talked to him immediately before he called the taxi, but that’s the last…. No, not at the lecture. Apparently not seen since. Now, really. I am inclined to think John simply elected to drop out of sight for a while. He’s dropped before, God knows. Holiday Inn, anywhere, what difference would it make? I could call Steve Holiday, yes, but that’s not the point, that was just an example. Calm down. I’m also inclined to suspect that it is not impossible that John is somehow privy to, maybe even involved in, Gramma Lenore’s whole little adventure. No, not really. But he’s always been against the Company, we both know that, and there was the constant doting. His sentiments, her sentiments. It’s not inconceivable. No, I called Wisconsin, not a peep, and your mother is in a not-well period right now. Even more not-well. No, but just not in a position to be useful to anyone. So wait. What could I do? I’m prepared to give him a few weeks, and if he still hasn’t turned up, at least to teach his classes, to begin worrying in earnest. Yes, his colleagues did call the police. No, I’ve not called Clarice, who knows which of her… places she’s at today. I did call Al in here, and I told Al, and he’ll tell Clarice. Alvin is part of the family, too, Lenore. Stonecipher is not reachable, as I’ve said. Stonecipher, no doubt following your personal lead, has opted not to have a telephone. The best and brightest of my children cannot be reached by me. Interpret that in whatever way you wish. Obstat, if you want another nut, take one, do not play with the jar. Go see Clarice if you wish; obviously your sister can be seen by you. Discuss whatever you wish. No? I’m ignoring everything you imply. Go to her. I am also now going to ask you for a favor. Go to Stonecipher and speak to him and see if he has been communicated with in any way. By either of them. Very possibly, I think. You’ll have to see him personally. It’s now become clear that he represents the future of the family, of the Company, that it is he on whom the mantle of power and control will devolve. Gramma Lenore knows this, she has been a witness to, if not even more likely a cause of, John’s default and then your default. All the tests for nothing. No, I never see irony, Lenore. Irony is a meaningless word to me. The point here is that Stonecipher must and will know that he is connected to this family, which is to say the Company. Not at all. Go, see him, autumn in New England. Take a vacation from your vacation, some time off from your time off. Tell him what obtains here, including the story of Gramma Lenore, et cetera, and be told of any and all involvement on his part. No. That’s ridiculous. You cannot possibly be fired for taking one or two days off for a family emergency. Who? Peahen? No. I am prepared to allow you, to insist that you take the Company jet, to minimize the time factor. A friend could be taken along. You see what you can do. In the next three or four days. Yes. I am prepared to wait and do more or less… nothing. My worry is present but manageable. Do this for me. Help the family, Lenore. See what you can do about getting off. Obstat, perhaps you’d better be getting back to the lab. I… heavens, I have a tennis date. Did you bus over? I more than understand. I’ve always hated your car, as you should recall vividly. Did I or did I not try to give you a car? But no. Let Foamwhistle drive you back. Oh come now… Foamwhistle, come in here at once. Think about what I’ve said. Please be in touch. Foamwhistle, drive Lenore to Erieview Plaza. Pardon me? What do you mean Pupik refuses to be in the same room with Goggins? Get me Pupik. You two may go free. Please call me soon. Hello, Pupik?”