As I wander back out to the kitchen, feeling overly waterlogged but refreshed, I see Logan is working on breakfast. I slide my hand up the back of his T-shirt, wondering all the while where I suddenly got such nerve as to so boldly touch a man. Oh yeah, picked up a little nerve last night … and maybe a bit more this morning. He reaches his arm around me, pulling me gently to his side before leaning down and kissing me on my forehead. I blush as that word pops in my mind again, “relationship.” Is this what a relationship feels like, I wonder—close, comfortable, warm, safe, thrilling, erotic, and smelling deliciously of pancakes…
As we sit to breakfast, I decide to set Logan’s mind at ease. “Logan, I’ll stay here. Full time.” And the look that comes over his face is all the appreciation that I need, and quite frankly, don’t deserve. Relief floods over him, and the tension is suddenly gone from his beautiful features.
Chapter 13
We can’t get to the trailer to pick up my car and clothing until my father leaves, which likely won’t be until the evening when he heads out to paint the town in drunken vomit. Since I have to work, Logan decides he’ll take me and pick me up, and we’ll go over to the trailer together after I’m off. And the moment I step out of the back door of the bistro at closing time, I sense his anxiety. I know he’s nervous my father will come home, and after the night before, I am, too.
As we enter the trailer, he pulls me hastily down the hall toward my room. It is still disheveled and torn apart from our little one-sided boxing match the night before, and Logan sets to work immediately. Collecting clothes and any other personal items I might need goes a lot quicker than I expect; I suppose it has more to do with the fact I really don’t own much of anything. And within fifteen minutes, we’re out the door and loading my bags into the back of my Wagoneer. There’s a better than good chance my father won’t even notice I’m missing from his life. And quite frankly, I’m counting on it.
Sara calls while I’m on my way back to Logan’s, asking if I want to come over for the night. I’ve spent less time with Sara recently than I ever have in the past, and as much as I want to be with Logan, I also really want to see Sara. It is agony not being able to share my life with Sara the way I always have, and because Logan has become such a big part of my life, I feel as though I never spend any real time with Sara anymore. I miss her terribly, and while I know I can’t talk to her about any of the things I desperately need to talk to her about, I also know I need to spend time with her all the same.
After we carry my meager worldly possessions inside and dump them on the spare room bed, I tell Logan I’m going to stay with Sara for the night. He looks momentarily stunned before shaking it off and pulling me into his arms. He leans down and kisses me deeply, pulling gently on my bottom lip with his mouth. “Well, at least your lip doesn’t look too bad.” Of course, I’d forgotten about my lip, but after a bit of lip gloss I’m looking as good as new, and I’m out the door.
I miss Logan the moment I hop in my car and realize I won’t see him until the next day. If I’m this pathetic being away from him for one night, what’s it going to be like when he’s off to Colorado for his spring break skiing trip in a week? He’s also going to be spending a good amount of time between Allendale and Denver these last few months of the semester, getting ready for his move and his new job. I may as well get used to being away from him. Perhaps it will soften the blow when he’s gone for good.
It’s late when I arrive at Sara’s, but she has a late night horror movie fest planned, and we end up terrified and certain there are at least three supernatural serial killer maniacs on the loose in Allendale by the times it’s all said and done.
We finally turn in, and moments after, the lights go out. “Row, what’s going on with you? You’re different lately…” I’m silent, not having any idea how to respond, so she continues. “I just miss you. I feel like we never talk anymore, and even though we see each other all the time, there’s just something missing. Like I’m missing part of you, and I don’t know what part it is.”
Leave it to Sara to use her best friend psychic powers on me. I’m still stunned into silence, but she deserves an answer. The problem is I can’t give her one, at least not the real one. But I try to oblige. “You’re not missing anything. I’m sorry. I know I’ve been distant lately. I think I’m just out of sorts with the end of our senior year coming up, and all the changes next year. It all just feels a bit overwhelming at times. I really am sorry. Please believe me I have no reservations about our friendship and us moving in together next year. You mean the world to me, and I’m sorry if I’ve been off lately.” And I’m telling the truth.
I have no reservations about my friendship with Sara. I would be nowhere without her. And after all is said and done, and Logan has moved on with his life, I will still need her friendship more than ever before. Whether I can tell Sara about Logan or not really won’t be the issue. I’ll just need her to be my constant and true friend. She’s never let me down in the past, and I’m counting on her friendship to get me through the future.
Having Rowan out of the house has given my mind all the permission it needs to run wild with my thoughts of her. I’m more than confused about her and the direction I’ve pushed our relationship. I’m also insane about her as well, and I know now it was only a matter of time before we ended up here. What does that say about me? What does that say about my feelings for Rowan? I know I’m protective of her, but I’ve known her since we were kids; of course I would care about her. I’m attracted to her, there is no doubt about that, but is it more than just attraction? Do I care about her more than I should? I thought I might die if anything happened to her last night. I wanted to kill her father for hurting her, but my need to take care of her and my fear she might be really hurt superseded any vengeance I might have wanted to take out on him. I can’t bear the idea of losing her, yet I will. Caring about her more deeply than I should isn’t an option. Falling in love with her is most definitely not an option. But is it really my choice?
Chapter 14
The next week passes quickly; too quickly. And before I know it, I’m touching her for the last time in what will be more than a week apart. The past week has been filled with her, perhaps a little studying for the bar exam, and then, of course, more of her. She hasn’t spent a single night out of my bed aside from the first night she spent with Sara, which suits me just fine, since I can’t keep my hands off of her. I’ve become intimately familiar with every inch of her body, sometimes spending inordinate amounts of time simply touching and kissing every ounce of skin I can find.
I’ve been vacillating between excitement for our annual spring break trip and absolute despair at the idea of leaving her for a week, so it is none too surprising I’m homesick for her the second we pull from the curb. This is a trip I’ve taken with my oldest of friends for the past five years, and it’s always a great trip. Denver has always been my second home. Sara and I grew up spending practically every holiday and vacation here. We were on the slopes by the time we were five, thanks in large part to our parents’ passion for skiing and their nice little condo in Frisco. It is no doubt the reason I chose to start my career in Denver. Being close to the mountains seemed like a dream come true when I first decided to make Denver my home, but a shadow has slowly been building over that dream for the past few months.