Every day is a struggle, and I wonder if it will ever feel better. Ending my relationship with Logan was my choice, and I know it was the right decision. However, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t reconsider and have to fully fight the urge to beg him to take me back. But the fact of the matter is there is nothing to go back to—a relationship destined to die from the start. A relationship built on coupling more than anything else—and coupling in the most juvenile of terms at that; I am, after all, still a virgin. He just didn’t want me enough, or did he respect me too much; what was the excuse he fed me? It all feels the same, and it hurts. It doesn’t really matter how you slice it.
But truly hating him is an impossibility, and through all my bitterness and anger I still love him desperately and painfully. Love. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Then again, the past half year should never have happened. I remember the first night I spent at his apartment. Never in a million years could I have imagined going from awkward encounters standing in his kitchen in the middle of the night to finding myself in his bed, to ending the most satisfying and amazing relationship I could ever have imagined. And I want to regret it. But I don’t. Instead, I would give anything to go through it all again … perhaps with a happier ending.
I bow out of Logan’s graduation ceremony as gracefully as is possible, though I’m sure the Harringtons find it strange I should miss such a big day in Logan’s life. Logan, on the other hand, is ever present on my own graduation day, and as Sara and I take our turns receiving our diplomas, it reeks of finality to this last school year, and I’m not sure I’m ready for the life that lies in front of me. My father manages to make it to the occasion, though the stench of last night’s booze is following him. I’m far past being embarrassed by him, and as we approach the Harringtons after the ceremony, Marcus holds a hand out to him genially. Logan appears to be seething with hatred, and as my father’s stale cigarette and alcohol stench reaches the group, a few noses wrinkle. Okay, I take it back; I’m embarrassed. Still, they are pleasant as I stand by nervously and uncomfortably rocking on the outside edges of my wedge sandals.
Having given up hating my father with his eyes, Logan is now concentrating on me, not paying attention to any of the pleasantries around us. Logan’s parents are congratulating me generously and graciously. Marcus puts an arm around me and gives me a good squeeze before kissing my cheek. Ronnie pulls me into a tight hug, crying the whole time. These aren’t new tears, though; she’s been going on since Sara and I woke up this morning. Logan’s family looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to congratulate me as well, and with the eyes of his entire family watching, he takes both of my shoulders in his hands and leans down to kiss my cheek gently. His lips linger a moment too long, and I blush furiously as his lips meet my skin that has been so deprived of his touch for so long. My knees weaken as the breath leaves my lungs, and as my breath hits his neck so very close to my mouth, he inhales sharply. My body has been on fire from the moment he closed the space between us, and as his lips leave my skin, my body cries out for more.
He congratulates me with a quiet voice as he pulls away, and I’m left once again with his absence. The loss of him floods back to me in an instant, and my eyes well over with tears. I turn from the group trying to hide my eyes, but not before Ronnie notices the tears slide down my cheek. And as our eyes meet, hers drift to Logan, who is now holding Sara in a tight bear hug. I avoid our small group, pretending to see something else of interest across the room, but moments later I feel Ronnie’s hand on my arm.
She pulls me into another hug, but rather than congratulations, she offers me support. And in a tone laced with compassion and at least some degree of understanding, she whispers in my ear, “You’ll be okay, kiddo.”
At her words, my tears fall freely, and I excuse myself to the restroom. Tears aren’t hard to come by on this day, and I’m guessing I fit in quite well. To add insult to injury, Marcus invites my father and me to join them for dinner at a nearby restaurant. My father has no intention of turning down a free meal or free drinks, and so I’m to suffer with more Logan today.
As we are seated, Logan takes the seat across from me. He focuses on me while I struggle to make the most minimal of eye contact with him. I revel in his presence, yet I suffer at the same moment. I dread the end of dinner when it will be time to part from him again, but I feel like I’m coming unglued at the seams the entire time we are there. My father, holding true to form, starts drinking early and doesn’t stop until the end of the meal. He’s drunk by the time we are ready to leave, and the humiliation I felt earlier at his presence has now been quadrupled.
Marcus suggests I drive him home, but as Logan starts to object my father pipes up in a rather loud, slurred, and belligerent voice. “Doesn’t even live with me anymore. She probably can’t even remember how to get there…”
And as Sara and Marcus start questioning what he’s talking about, Ronnie pipes up quickly, saving me any further lies. “Well, Sara, the two of you do spend a good deal of time together. I’m sure it just seems as though she’s never around.”
Before anyone can comment further, she is out of her chair ushering us all out the door. Logan offers to drive my father home, and I bristle at the thought of them together. And as I eye him warily, Ronnie again interjects and agrees Logan should take care of it. Hasn’t she turned into quite the puppeteer today? Logan gives me a small nod and a final quiet “congratulations” before escorting my stumbling father to his Jeep.
Given my father’s reception to Logan, I would guess he doesn’t have any recollection of the last time they were together, but where my father’s memory might be lacking, Logan’s certainly isn’t. He hasn’t stopped glaring at my father all day. I’m worried about Logan being alone with him, but it seems the choice isn’t mine to make. I can’t quite comprehend what Ronnie knows, but she, without doubt, has her suspicions.
The day ends with Sara and I crashing in exhaustion, and at least one of us excited for summer and the rest of our lives. I sure wish I could share her enthusiasm.
Chapter 22
I feel so terribly guilty for not having foreseen just how truly devastating the end of our relationship would end up being to both of us. I care so much for her, but all I do is cause her heartache. I wish now that our relationship had never crossed the line it did, but at the same time, I can’t imagine not having had her. The pain of my presence and my touch was so evident in our interaction today. I miss her insanely, but I cause her nothing but grief when I’m around her.
And as I start to pack up my boxes for the move, I start to see more and more withdrawal from her. She is escaping to Sara’s the better portion of the time anyways, but with the boxes comes more absence. I get it. It hurts. It hurts me, too.
Rowan has agreed to move in here with Sara, and for that, I’m relieved. But I have still to work out the details of moving her in here after I leave and disguising the fact she’s been here all along. It shouldn’t be hard, considering her entire life’s possessions can easily fit in the back of her old Jeep, but she won’t be able to spend the night here on the night before I move out.