„But you see, even with that, there is a reserve about him. He never talks about his life, never at all.“
„And exactly what should he tell you? He is your employee, Grace. What do you know of Petkin’s private life?“
She shrugged. „1 spend more time with him than I do with the butler.“ After a careful inspection of the catch on her bracelet, she added, „He is doing exactly what I hired him for, but the truth is I wish there were something more, something closer to friendship.“
„And are you friends with all your employees?“
„My maid and I are friends.“ Even she could hear how defensive that sounded. „But I take your point.“
„Kitty is a rare exception. You grew up together. She will always be as much friend as servant. Grace, you know as well as I do that it is not wise to be friends with an employee.“
„You are the one who encouraged me to become more intimate with him.“
„Yes, and I still think that having a lover would be a very enlightening experience for you. But I have my doubts as to whether this is the best way to go about it.“
„Men do it all the time.“
„Yes, that’s true, my dear, but friendship is not a prerequisite for them.“
„Oh. I always thought that was what would make the difference between enjoying sex and merely tolerating it.“ She pressed her lips together. Why had she said that aloud?
„When it comes to sex, men do not think first with their heart“ – Louise paused – „or even their brain. For a woman like you, some sort of connection is essential.“
„And what do you mean by ‘a woman like me’?“ Grace stood up. „Someone who is happier as a widow than I was as a married woman? Someone who has never had a lover?“
„Both of those, Grace, but mostly a woman who, despite an inclination to flout convention in private, is in public a lady and not given to the casual in any way.“ She stood up and took Grace’s hands. „Perhaps that is the solution. Stop thinking so much, Grace. Let him know you are interested in more than… what was it you said?“
„He is very attentive and courteous.“
„Yes, let him know that you are interested in more than attention and courtesy and see what he does.“
„I wish this were easier.“ Grace looked down at her lap. „It is too much like walking an untested bridge over a deep ravine. It was so much simpler before.“
„You know in your heart that you would rather be facing that bridge than a brick walk that does no more than circle the garden.“
„Yes, yes.“ Grace closed her eyes. „That describes my marriage exactly. But that is the past. I have changed, have I not?“
„No one who knew you then could doubt that.“
„I wish there were something between the safe path and the treacherous bridge. Why do I have to go from one extreme to the other?“
„Grace,“ her aunt said with an incredulous laugh, „it has taken you two years to risk the bridge. That is hardly going from one extreme to the other.“
„Oh, Aunt Louise.“ Grace pulled her aunt into a hug. „I am so glad to have you with me this Season. Talking with you is so much more satisfying than letters. I will try it. I will, even though I have no idea how he will react.“
„Neither do I, my dear. But I must admit that I am hopeful.“
Nine
„Garrick has been dead almost forty years and still his plays entertain. I do think The Clandestine Marriage is my favorite.“ Grace looked down as the people below moved out of the theater. She nodded and waved to acquaintances in another box who, like her, preferred to make their departure after the crowd had thinned.
Lindsay had come to realize that she preferred to discuss the play while it was fresh in her mind, and lingering the twenty odd minutes presented the ideal opportunity. „Yes, my lady, Garrick was a genius. The proof being that his characters are true for any age. You must be acquainted with any number like the grasping sister and the snobbish aunt.“
„They ring so true.“ She shook her head in some amusement. „Do you think they recognize themselves?“
„Do you recognize yourself in Fanny?“
„The secretly married daughter?“ Grace looked at him in some surprise. „No, not at all. What makes you say that we are alike?“
Lindsay looked away for a moment and considered if what he was about to say would offend her. And wondered for a moment how often Poppy’s mama had to make the effort to guard her tongue lest she offend her patron. He spoke anyway. „You and Garrick’s Fanny are both well-meaning, loyal, sweet.“
Grace blushed a little, and was about to speak when he held up his hand. „Sweet,“ he repeated, „but like her, you play a game with society. In the play Fanny felt the need to keep her marriage a secret.“
„Ah, yes. I see.“ She was silent a moment. „Well, at least it is a comedy and not a tragedy. Though I suppose you could make the same case for Romeo and Juliet. That they felt the need to keep their relationship a secret.“
„We are not young, plagued by warring families or in love.“
„Remind me of that, will you, when this seems entirely too complicated a charade.“
She laughed a little as though it was a joke and he smiled, but it was the first time in the weeks they had been together that she had ever implied she was less than comfortable with their arrangement.
„Would you like to leave now?“ She held up her cloak.
He took it. The cloak was a light wool with a silk lining. The weave was fine, soft to the touch. He suspected it was as soft as her skin would be. As much as he might have liked to test the theory, he did no more than drop the cloak around her shoulders.
They found a crowd still on the stairs, and waited, Grace chatting with an acquaintance as he considered her comment about their „charade.“
If she was not entirely satisfied with their arrangement, then it showed they shared something beyond an appreciation of Garrick’s plays. He hated the constraints of his position, and attending the opera was the least of them.
For a man who had spent most of his life in charge, taking orders from a woman was a dramatic change. Yes, he had always had to obey orders as well, but he had never been so low in rank that there were not others to obey him. It made him realize that the chain of command was a salve to the self-worth of a man. Now he was in a position where he took orders from someone who was more comfortable holding a reticule than a sword.
Hardly onerous, yet still, at times, maddening. Especially the way she phrased things as though he had a choice. „Shall we leave?“ Or „Would you like some supper?“
Lindsay had watched her with the others she employed, and, as she was with him, she was unfailingly courteous. But probably like her other servants, he had learned to take her questions as they were intended: All that mattered was what she wanted to do, and when she wanted to do it.
How did the others handle fatigue that came with a teething baby? How did they handle worry about responsibilities that had nothing to do with employment but were what made it so necessary?
In the army he was focused on one thing only. His loyalties were not split between a family that wanted to know every detail of his life away from them and a woman who never asked about his life in the hours they were not together.
When it became unbearably irritating, like tonight, he would remind himself that in time he would sell his commission and leave her employ. It was an option that the others did not have.
He watched as she laughed at something and could not help but smile. He looked around and saw several others turn toward the sound. Her laughter was one of die most charming things about her. Always genuine and inviting, so that anyone who heard it wanted to be part of her party.
Her laughter and inquisitive mind were not the only things that made his employment bearable and, when he was less tired and frustrated, fair compensation for her maddening version of leadership. Grace Anderson found good almost everywhere. And if she could not see the good in something, she would wish for it. How many times had she said „I wish…“?