He smiled and waved. „You can change your mind and let me in. I’m good company.“
„You’re also a distraction. I need to think.“
„I won’t make a sound.“
„No. Now leave me alone.“
She dropped her briefcase and purse on the table beside the door, hung up her coat and went to the kitchen to cook the chicken she didn’t feel like eating… also alone.
She had to face the facts. She was in deep trouble if she was resurrecting imaginary companions from her childhood. And while she was reluctant to give him any credit for his thinking, he was right about one thing: It was time to make some changes in her life. Big ones. Huge ones. Drastic ones.
It wasn’t like it was a new concept to her; she’d been thinking about it, dreaming about it for years. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to change. She did, more than anything. So, what held her back?
As she thought about it, there came another knock on the door. She went to the kitchen doorway and stared across the room at it – decided to ignore him. A few seconds later, he called through the door, „Courage and self-confidence. That’s all you need. And a plan. I can help you with the plan. I have some really great ideas.“
„Stop bothering me!“
He was gutsy and self-confident enough for both of them… and stubborn and annoying. Was he everything she wasn’t? No… that didn’t work. She made him, so… she was brave and bold, too… right?
She took a few salad fixings from the frig, closed the door with her foot and carried them to the sink.
So say she suddenly went nuts and changed her entire life around, did everything she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it. What would people say? They were used to her being the way she was. She was used to it. Would they treat her differently? Would she be a different person? Would it make her happy? Or make her feel foolish for even trying?
Who cares what other people think? You ‘re not changing for them; you’re changing for yourself You don’t have to change your whole self only what makes you unhappy, only what you want to change to make yourself happy. And why would you feel foolish for making yourself happy? Treat yourself better and other people will treat you better. That’s just logical…
She threw the paring knife and cucumber in the sink, marched out of the kitchen, through the open dining room and across the living room to shout at the closed front door.
„Are you talking in my head now?“
„Well, you won’t let me in to talk to your face, and you really shouldn’t be making any unilateral decisions in there on your own. We’re a team, remember?“
„If you don’t leave me alone I’m going to… Ha! I have the entire six-hour mini-series of Pride and Prejudice on DVD in here. You want that?“
There was a thud on the door and a brushing sound of something sliding to the floor on the other side… and then silence.
Charlotte put her hand over her mouth and laughed silently into it, all the way back to the kitchen.
Five
She woke abruptly the next morning from a heavy, dreamless sleep. Which was odd actually, because she usually woke slowly, attempting over and over to reenter the dreams her alarm clock interrupted, or sorting through the shadows and images to determine them too bizarre to revisit. This morning she came wide awake without remnants, several minutes before her alarm rang with only one clear image in her mind.
„Mel?“ She finished tying her robe as she walked down the hall toward the living room. Was it possible? Could the whole previous day have been last night’s dream? „Mel? Are you still here?“
A muffled „Good morning“ came through the front door.
He was on the floor in the hall with his back against the wall. He’d taken off his red shoes and stuffed his tube socks down inside them; rolled up his pouchy jacket to rest his head on. If he’d slept, he did it sitting up.
„Have you been out here all night?“ she asked after opening the door.
„Where else would I be?“ He started to gather his things and get up. He seemed a little snippy. „I can hardly engage in an active night life without you, now can I?“
„I guess I thought you would… pop out… or inside the apartment maybe, after I went to sleep.“
He stood looking down at her. There was a hurt and a vulnerability in his eyes that was genuine. She felt something go warm and soft, and liquefy inside her. „I am powerless without you, Charlotte. If you want me in your life you have to let me in.“
„What would happen to you if I didn’t?“
He gave a little shrug, but she could tell the thought pained him. „Same as last time. You sent me under the bed to look for snakes and spiders and forgot all about me. I stayed there until you stopped worrying about such things. After that, you filled your mind with other issues, bigger problems. I tried to help you then, too, but you wouldn’t let yourself see me. I had to do the best I could from inside your head – in dreams, in deep thought, through your imagination, but you got pretty good at closing me out in there, as well.“
„I didn’t mean to hurt you.“ And she didn’t want him to go away again.
His dark brow furrowed. „I know. It’s a sad fact of life, I believe, that growing up involves doubt and confusion, and that maturing so often becomes synonymous with sacrificing dreams and desires for what is logical and practical.“ He motioned to the open door, aware, apparently, that she was now ready to accept him. It was his awareness of it, of her, that was still very… weird. Following her inside, he continued. „Don’t get me wrong; logical and practical are necessary. But not to the exclusion of everything else.“
„And you think that’s what I’ve done. Given up all my dreams and wishes for what’s logical and practical?“
„Worse. You let your doubts and confusion run rampant and gave up everything for what your parents thought was logical and practical.“
That hurt. More than she could say. Probably because it was too close to the truth, and mostly because he’d said it out loud. Was he deliberately trying to hurt her?
„That’s not a very nice thing to say.“
His smile was small as he dropped his shoes and coat on the couch. „I couldn’t say it if you didn’t already think it, remember?“
„Damn, that’s annoying. There should be some rule about you hurting my feelings with my own thoughts. Put your shoes on the floor and hang that up in the closet. I like things tidy.“
She turned on her heel and headed for the kitchen. She couldn’t take much more of him without some coffee. The pot was on a timer and she emerged moments later with a steaming mug full.
„Actually, there are rules,“ he said, sliding into a chair across from her at the dining room table. „I can’t lie to you. I need to be as honest with you as you’ll let me.“ He looked sheepish. „I am sorry I hurt you, though. I could have said the same thing with a lot more finesse.“
„So you’re mad because I left you outside all night.“
„No. I’m just tired of being ignored.“ He sighed and slouched in the chair. „I want everything to change now, today… yesterday even. I want it all to be as it could be… as it should be. But I can tell you’re still not ready.“
„Ready for what?“
„To listen to what I have to say. To trust me. To act on my advice.“
„I let you in.“
„That’s not the same thing.“
No, it wasn’t. „I just met you. I need more time.“
He stared at her for a moment, then closed his eyes, pressed his thumb and fingers to the middle of his brow. spread them out and rubbed his temples as if he had a headache.
„Do you want some coffee?“
„Do you really want me more awake than you are? And for future reference, that stuff goes straight to my nervous system. A hyper-stimulated imagination can be very scary, you know.“
She wanted to laugh but just smiled instead. „Are you always this grumpy in the morning?“