„Charlotte!“ A cloud billowed into the hall from the bathroom and Mel emerged, wrapping a large white towel around his middle – he was clearly steamed. „Have you lost our mind?“
„Oh God,“ she said, watching Mel turn to face the-wetter-than-he-was vision of himself as the image slowly faded away. Once it was gone he looked back at her.
„You can’t keep doing this. I think I’ve been extremely tolerant of your feelings toward me – I am after all you’re perfect man – but now you’ve gone too far. I can ignore only so much. We both know where this fantasy would have landed us and you know we can’t go there.“
„I know. I know.“ She drew her legs up close to her chest and buried her face between her terry covered knees. She was mortified… and completely shaken. The neurons in her brain began to fizzle and spit, signaling a mental meltdown as the schism between her mind and her emotions became so wide she couldn’t bridge them any longer. „In my head I know, but not in my heart. I can’t help it. I’m in love. With you. And it’s hopeless. I’m hopeless.“ She stood abruptly, her face wet with tears, and marched toward the kitchen for a tissue, arms waving. „How pathetic and desperate does a person have to be to dream up someone like you? I watch Discovery Channel. They’ve never done a documentary on imaginary adult companions. I’ve hit bottom, haven’t I? I’m insane. Pretty soon Joe and Martha will sneak across the hall and figure out that I’m sitting in here talking to myself and have me committed. You and I, we can chase imaginary bugs up the walls together.“
„Stop it.“
„What’s the matter with me? Why did I ever think that listening to you would change anything? Merry Mel, come to fix poor Charlotte. What was I thinking? It’s never going to matter if I change the way I dress or the way I look or the color of my apartment or… or if I date or don’t date or… or have sexy underwear.“ She blew her nose and sniffed loudly, realizing then what had been missing from their earlier conversation: She didn’t want to be alone and she wanted someone to want her, but she was alone and she’d stay that way as long as she had Mel. „Underneath it all, I’ll still be me. I’ll be plain and weak and awkward and I won’t fit in anywhere. I’ll be the same old Charlotte who screws up every relationship she has with a man, who sits at home and watches her friends get married and make new lives and… and babies and are happy and… plant ger-bera daisies in their strip gardens. If I’m ever going to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be, if I’m ever to be truly happy with myself, then I’m going to have to change things… inside. Alone. Without you.“
She turned to him expectantly, certain he wouldn’t be able to come up with one of his unfailingly optimistic responses to this particular truth.
His expression was oddly unreadable, not a reflection of her anger, not sympathetic, not cheerful. After a short moment he said mildly, „You’re being dramatic.“
„Am I?“ She nodded and thought about it. „Maybe I am. I don’t know why I let you in… or out… or however this ridiculous thing works, but I can see now it was a mistake. You made everything so easy for me, but you’re really just another excuse for me to keep avoiding the rest of the world. The changes we made together are amazing, but none of them are the kind that count. None of them really changed me. I know who I am. And I know who you are.“ Suddenly, the wind died and her sails went flat. „And I know what you’re not. I do love you, Mel, but you have to go“
He looked like a small child who’d just had someone walk up and prick his balloon with a pin, confused and hurt.
„And please don’t think I’m not grateful for all you’ve done for me, but don’t you see, Mel? I need to make a real life with real people.“
His shoulders began to droop in defeat – in a defeat he seemed to be expecting. As he sighed, a thick, velvety green robe grew clearer and more solid over his body. He gathered the front together in a fist at his chest as if he were cold and weakly sat in the chair a few feet away. In another flash of reality she realized how careful he must have been to so rarely let her see his magic – perhaps because the strangeness of it might have startled her awake sooner to the fact that he was all magic.
„This is the way of it, I suppose. Good enough when you’re unhappy and lonely, but always a poor substitute for real life. It was the same when you were a little girl. If there were other children to play with, you didn’t give me a thought.“ He looked and sounded heartbroken and dejected.
„I’m sorry, Mel.“
He shrugged. „You know, I didn’t expect you to see me that day at the viewing. And I sure never expected to get a second chance with you. It happens so rarely. All children have imaginations strong enough to create a playmate but only a brave few will admit it to adults, and fewer still take it the one step further to anthropomorphize it. Most make-believe buddies are lost in youth, trapped in childhood memories. If they’re quick, a few can relocate to siblings or neighbor kids… the family pet. But only a lucky few get the chance to grow up and come out again. Didn’t I say you were a rare and wonderful exception? A True Believer.“
Her smile was sad. „Yes, you did.“
„Charlotte.“ When she looked at him, he rearranged himself in the chair and patted the cushion, inviting her to sit with him. The chair was new and big, not nearly wide enough to be a loveseat but wider than most, perfect for curling up… or sharing. She snuggled close and he put his arm around her. „I’ve had a great time.“
„Me, too. I’ve never had a friend like you before.“
„Yes, you have. When you were four and five and for a while when you were six.“ She gave a soft laugh and turned her ear to his chest. The steady rhythm of his heart was soothing; she felt safe and warm and completely attracted in the circle of his arms. She closed her eyes to concentrate on safe and warm. „The trick is to remember that the very best parts of me are actually you. And you were wrong before – some of the changes we made are the kinds that count, or you wouldn’t have had the strength to send me away. I’m very proud of you, Charlotte. It takes a big heart to forgive yourself for past mistakes, real courage to stand up for yourself and a keen mind to know what you want from life. All you ever needed was a little confidence… and a friend you couldn’t ignore.“
Her limbs grew heavy; her respirations slower and deeper as his holiday scent filled her head. „I’m afraid,“ she murmured from that half-awake, half-asleep state that was like flood water from the basement, heading for the attic. „I don’t want to be alone.“
„Everyone’s afraid. Remember that. And you’ll only be alone if you want to be,“ she heard him say clearly, but the next words came like those in a dream. „Forget me, Charlotte.“
Nine
„Forget me? That’s it? That’s the best you can do? I can’t say something and hop three times on my left foot to make you disappear?“ She stomped around in the kitchen getting her coffee, having not ten minutes ago come blissfully awake in his arms.
„As far as I know, that’s how it works. If you’re thinking about me, I’m here.“
„I’m thinking about you because you’re standing right in front of me. I thought you’d disappear last night while I was sleeping?“
„Without saying good-bye?“
She narrowed her eyes at him. „You’re doing this on purpose. You changed your mind. You’re not going to leave.“
„It’s not up to me,“ he said, looking entirely too pleased. „You know that.“