„Can’t you just, you know, go where you go when you’re not here and stay there?“
„Not if you’re thinking about me.“
„Not if I’m…“
She thought about the times when he wasn’t with her, when she felt he was being discrete and giving her time alone to think and meditate… and to work and read and do crossword puzzles… until she got stuck on a word. Then all she had to do was call out and he would answer from another room or join her if her concentration was not just momentarily broken but shattered completely by the riddle.
He loved going out and went everywhere with her except… that first morning when she wasn’t sure she wanted him around, when she’d snuck out of her office hoping he’d still be asleep, hoping she could leave the apartment without him.
No, it was more than hope. It was will; she willed him to stay asleep because she didn’t want to have another losing conversation with him that morning, because she wanted to leave without him, to be alone to mull things over.
The day before that she’d thrown up a mental and physical wall between them by commanding him to stay out of the apartment… so he stayed in the hall.
„ Iam all you, babe.“
Her gaze rose slowly from the floor and their eyes met, one pair doubtful, the other pleased.
„All I have to do is fill my head with other things. That’s the trick, isn’t it? That’s how it works. This is my life and I control it.“
„Some of it.“
„Well, yes but… you, for sure. I can control you.“
He puffed his cheeks and blew out a deep breath as he folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the kitchen counter with great forbearing. „Ah-ha.“
„I woke up a little shaky this morning, a little nervous about being on my own and that’s why you’re still here. I’m over it.“
„Ah-ha.“
There was nothing to do but show him. She turned on her heel and headed for the shower, thinking how good the hot water would feel on her skin, deciding to use a soft-scented soap instead of her usual body wash, gloating over the great deal she found on her new towels. She thought about the little collagen particles soaking into her skin from her moisturizer, the softness of her sweater and the perfect length of her slacks – tried to remember all the words to Joyce Kilmer’s poem Trees. Listening to the heels of her shoes ticking on her gorgeous new hardwood, she remembered exactly where she left her keys and let herself out of the apartment… and looking across at the Whites’ door, she elected to knock on it.
Joe, of course, had gone off to work already, but Marty was happy to see her when she opened the door.
„It’s so good to see you, Charlotte. I’ve been meaning to get over and see you but Ruth has been so busy this summer that, well, I don’t know where the time goes.“
„That’s alright, that’s one of the reasons I came over. I… I’ve been meaning to tell you that if you’d ever like an afternoon off or you’d like to go out to lunch or if anything happens to your regular sitter, I’d be glad to watch her… Ruth… for you, I mean. I didn’t feel like I could offer before – my dad liked his peace and he wasn’t used to children – but now… well, I’m available if you need me. I like children. I just don’t know many.“
„That’s so sweet of you.“ The amazed look on her face made Charlotte self-conscious. What? She couldn’t be sweet? „But I’d much rather get a sitter and take you to lunch, if you’re interested, that is. I’ve always wanted to get to know you better. I’m not that much older than you, I don’t think. But you looked so busy all the time with your business and your father… we barely had time for a ‘howdy’ and a ‘how’s things’ here in the hallway. I’m glad to see you have more time for yourself now.“
Being available was three-quarters of the cure for loneliness. Who knew it was so easy? The first time the front-desk attendant at the gym said, „Good morning, Charlotte,“
before she’d even had a chance to sign in, it was… a nice surprise. She was quick and enthusiastic when Sidney and Sue invited her shopping – she was a much better shopper now than the last time they’d ventured out together.
„When was the last time the three of us shopped like this?“ Sidney asked, scooting – exhausted – into a high-backed booth in the restaurant where they’d stopped for a late lunch and a drink.
„So long ago I don’t remember.“ Charlotte remembered perfectly.
„Well, I remember,“ said Sue, her brown shoulder-length bob swinging as she got in on the other side. „It was my wedding. We were looking for bridesmaids’ shoes, and my cousin Loretta, who’s always trying to fart higher than her ass, was with us and would not even try on a shoe that didn’t have a four-inch heel and a three-figure price tag, and you said you couldn’t walk in four-inch heels, three was your limit, and Charlotte kept wandering around muttering ‘$250 for a pair of purple shoes that can’t be deducted.’“
„Wait.“ Sidney picked up a menu but didn’t look at it. „Speaking of farting, wasn’t that the same day you found out that weird aunt of your mother’s, who you didn’t want to invite to your wedding because of her toxic flatulence problem, was, according to your mother, supposedly too sick to come to the wedding, so she insisted that it was safe to send her an invitation but who was, however, feeling very well and would be attending with her son, who, by the way, could power a windmill with his own noxious gases?“
„Yesss! I forgot about that. I remember I sent you off on your own and told you to pick out whatever shoes you wanted, I’d had it. And not only did Charlotte come back in about fifteen minutes, but she’d bought a pair of black loafers and told me no one would see them under her dress. I thought my head would explode.“ They all laughed. „I vowed then and there that cars would fly before we shopped together again.“
Charlotte felt her cheeks burning and covered them with her hands. „I was such a dork. Why did you put up with me for so long?“
„You mean aside from the fact that you were the sweetest, most gentle and giving dork at McClure Middle School? I don’t know. Do you, Sidney?“
Sidney shrugged and glanced down at her menu, then up with a droll expression to keep the moment light. „Maybe because friends don’t give up on each other. You haven’t given up on me actually putting money in that savings account you made me open, have you?“
„No, but that reminds me – “
„NO!“ they said together. „No job talk today.“
„And no kid talk. This is my afternoon off.“ Sue tried to sound firm but there was nothing she liked better than talking about her children.
„Okay, then how about some juicy information on Mrs. Doctor Lacey Booth that I got directly from her aunt?“
Their ears twitched.
It wasn’t hard keeping busy, stuffing her head with the hundreds of things she wanted to do and see. There were moments, of course, when her mind wandered – she glanced up once and saw Mel sitting in a chair across the room, then again leaning against a fence up the street and again riding the down escalator as she rode up. He smiled and gave a little wave; she smiled back, felt the pang of desire and looked away… Ithink that I shall never see…
She finally went out with Henry Chancellor’s wife’s uncle’s sister’s nephew, or whatever, Axel Burton, who was quite possibly the nicest man to ever leave Chicago. They liked each other very much but… there was no spark, no mating of souls, no magic.
He was, however, interested in scuba diving, so they took lessons together, driving all the way over to Alki Beach in West Seattle three evenings a week.
„We were crazy doing mis in November.“ Her teeth chattered as she pulled on her thick down jacket, apple green with pink and yellow piping. They were past the pool work and actually swimming off Alki Beach in wet suits, which kept them fairly warm, until they took them off. „Why didn’t we wait until summer?“