Bunter smiled gently and vanished, with the assurance that he should ‘do very well, my lord, thank you’.
He returned, however, about the quail stage, to announce that the chimney in her ladyship’s room was clear, owing (he suggested) to the circumstance that nothing had been burned “I it since the days of Queen Elizabeth. He had consequently succeeded in kindling upon the hearthstone a small fire of wood which, though restricted in size and scope by the absence of dogs, would, he trusted, somewhat mitigate the inclemency of the atmosphere.
‘Bunter,’ said Harriet, ‘you are marvellous.’
‘Bunter,’ said Wimsey, ‘you are becoming thoroughly demoralised. I told you to look after yourself. This is the first time you have ever refused to take my orders. I hope you will not make it a precedent.’
‘No, my lord. I have dismissed Mrs Ruddle, after enlisting her services for tomorrow, subject to her ladyship’s approval. Her manner is unpolished, but I have observed that her brass is not and that she has hitherto maintained the house in a state of commendable cleanliness. Unless you ladyship desires to make other arrangements-’
‘Let’s keep her on if we can,’ said Harriet, a little confused at being deferred to (since Bunter, after all, was likely to suffer most from Mrs Ruddle’s peculiarities). ‘She always worked here and she knows where everything is, and she seems to be doing her best.’
She glanced doubtfully at Peter, who said: ‘The worst I know of her is that she doesn’t like my face, but that will hurt her more than it will me. I mean, you know, she’s the one that’s got to look at it. Let her carry on… In the meantime, there is this matter of Bunter’ insubordination, from which I refuse to be diverted by Mr; Ruddle or any other red herring.’
‘My lord?’
‘If, Bunter, you do not immediately sit down here and have your supper, I will have you drummed out of the Regiment. My god!’ said Peter, putting a formidable wedge of foie gras on a cracked plate and handing it to his man, ‘do you realise what will happen to us if you die of neglect and starvation? There appear to be only two tumblers, so your punishment shall be to take your wine in a teacup and make a speech afterwards. There was a little supper below-stairs at my mother’s on Sunday night, I fancy. The speech you made then will serve the purpose, Bunter, with suitable modifications to fit it for our chaste ears.’
‘May I respectfully inquire,’ asked Bunter, drawing up an obedient chair, ‘how your lordship comes to know about that?’
‘You know my methods. Bunter. As a matter of fact, James blew-if I may call it-the gaff.’
‘Ah, James!’ said Bunter, in a tone that boded James no good. He brooded a little over his supper, but, when called upon, rose without overmuch hesitation, teacup in hand.
‘My orders are,’ said Mr Bunter, ‘to propose the health of the happy couple shortly to-the happy couple now before us. To obey orders in this family has been my privilege for the last twenty years-a privilege which has been an unqualified pleasure, except perhaps when connected with the photography of deceased persons in an imperfect state of preservation.’
He paused, and seemed to expect something.
‘Did the kitchen-maid shriek at that point?’ asked Harriet ‘No, my lady-the housemaid; the kitchen-maid having been sent out for giggling when Miss Franklin was speaking.’
‘It’s a pity we let Mrs Ruddle go,’ said Peter. ‘In her absence we will deem the shriek to have been duly uttered. Proceed!’
“Thank you, my lord… I should, perhaps,’ resumed Mr Bunter, ‘apologise for alarming the ladies with so unpleasant an allusion, but that her ladyship’s pen has so adorned the subject as to render the body of a murdered millionaire as agreeable to the contemplative mind as is that of a ripe burgundy to the discriminating palate. (Hear, hear!) His lordship is well known as a connoisseur, both a fine body (Keep it clean, Bunter!)-in every sense of the word (Laughter)-and of a fine spirit (Cheers)-also in every sense of the word (Renewed laughter and applause). May I express the hope that the present union may happily exemplify that which we find in a first-class port-strength of body fortified by a first-class spirit and mellowing through many years to a noble maturity. My lord and my lady-your very good health!’ (Prolonged applause, during which the/ orator drained his cup and sat down.)
‘Upon my word,’ said Peter, ‘I have seldom heard an after-dinner speech more remarkable for brevity and-all things considered-propriety.’
‘You’ll have to reply to it, Peter.’
‘I am no orator as Bunter is, but I’ll try… Am I mistaken, by the way. in imagining that that oil-stove is stinking to heaven?’
‘It’s smoking, at any rate,’ said Harriet, ‘like nothing on earth.’
Bunter, whose back was towards it, got up in alarm.
‘I fear, my lord,’ he observed, after some minutes of silent struggle, ‘that some catastrophe has occurred to the burner.’
‘Let’s have a look,’ said Peter.
The ensuing struggle was neither silent nor successful
‘Turn the blasted thing out and take it away,’ said Peter at length. He came back to the table, his appearance in no way improved by several long smears from the oily smuts which were now falling in every part of the room. ‘Under the present conditions, I can only say, Bunter, in reply to your good wishes for our welfare, that my wife and I thank you sincerely and shall hope that they may be fulfilled in every particular. For myself, I should like to add that any man is rich in friends who has a good wife and a good servant, and I hope I may be dead, as I shall certainly be damned, before I give either of you cause to leave me (as they say) for another. Bunter, your health-and may heaven send her ladyship and you fortitude to endure me, so long as all shall live. I may as well warn you that I for one am firmly resolved to live as long as I possibly can.’
‘To which,’ said Mr Bunter, ‘always excepting the fortitude as being unnecessary, I should wish-if the expression may be permitted-to observe. Amen.’
Here everybody shook hands, and there was a pause, broken by Mr Bunter’s saying, with slightly self-conscious haste, that he thought he had better attend to the bedroom fire.
‘And in the meantime,’ said Peter, ‘we can have a final cigarette over the Beatrice in the sittingroom. I suppose, by the way, Beatrice is capable of heating us a little washing water?’
‘No doubt of it, my lord,’ said Mr Bunter, ‘always supposing that one could find a new wick for it. The present wick appears, I regret to say, inadequate.’
‘Oh!’ said Peter, a little blankly. And indeed, when they reached the sittingroom, Beatrice was seen to be at her last expiring blue glimmer.
‘You must see what you can do with the bedroom fire,’ was Harriet’s suggestion.
‘Very good, my lady.’
‘At any rate,’ said Peter, lighting the cigarettes, ‘the matches still seem to strike on the box; all the laws of Nature have not been suspended for our confusion. We will muffle ourselves in overcoats and proceed to keep each other warm in the accepted manner of benighted travellers in a snow-bound country. “If I were on Greenland’s coast,” and all that. Not that I see any prospect of a six-months’ night; I wish I did; it is already past midnight.’
Bunter vanished upstairs, kettle in hand.
‘If,’ said her ladyship, a few minutes later, ‘you would remove that contraption from your eye, I could clean the bridge of your nose. Are you sorry we didn’t go to Paris or Mentone after all?’
‘No, definitely not. There is a solid reality about this. It’s convincing, somehow.’
‘It’s beginning to convince me, Peter. Such a series of domestic accidents could only happen to married people. There’s none of that artificial honeymoon glitter that prevents people from discovering each other’s real characters. You stand the test of tribulation remarkably well. It’s very encouraging.’